Saturday night after 2 surgery.. though day 1 for me

So today was an interesting day. Not to say it was bad but neither good either.

Confusion is more what the state of mind is. Then again that’s been how I’ve just been feeling over all these past few days. 

It bothers me that I was labeled a ‘friend’ by him when asked at the hospital whom I was. Then a part of me thinks back and realizes that I also said that recently on the phone when I called the insurance company. Is it payback, knowing how he tends to be that way with me? Hmmmmm

Its like I remember how he always says that he spends all his time with me and so forth but why do I feel like he is so distant?

We went out today and he took me to breakfast after making some stupid comments to me. Think he realized that he was mean after it was said by the face he made. After breakfast we went to various thrift stores to look for things that were wanted by him for his grandmothers grave to decorate for christmas. Those trips went okay with exception that there was this curvy lady at the boba spot we went to and he kept feeling the need to keep looking her way. (What else is new)

We get back to the apt and this is where the weirdness kicks in….

Why spend so much time with one but then sit at a bed with one and keep a bag in between us? To me it feels like he’s trying to keep distance. I can’t be the only one whom would take it that way. It hurts, it does. Then the thought that repeats in my head is me saying ‘i love you’ earlier and the reply being ‘I don’t think you do’. I out of no where start to cry but of course that is after I walked out the room and went to my sons bathroom to do in private, definetly not in front of him. That’s just what this relationship has came to, unfortunetly.

He has only slept about 2 hours since his surgery yesterday and somehow is still awake. I don’t get it. It sucks to think that I’m waiting for him to fall asleep so I can stop having this anxiousness feeling I have in my stomach.

I’m not understanding why I stay in this relationship. I don’t want to be unhappy anymore but the thought of him being with another women is what bothers me the most. It’s kind of like I’m losing and one thing about me everyone knows is I’m not a quitter and I don’t lose. Dang this sucks. 

I gained some nerve to ask “do you really feel I don’t love you since that’s what you said earlier?” His response is “do you want me to leave now, I can all you have to do is say”. My reply “no, I didn’t say that”. How sad and pitiful is that for a grown women to not stick up for herself. Damm…. but one thing is he did respond after with “if you love someone why don’t you try to get along with them”. 

I don’t know how to feel or act anymore. The pride in me is saying “f you” but the other side doesn’t even have the nerve to speak up. I’ve never felt this way before, so instead we sit here not even looking at one another and just on our phones doing our separate things. What a great way to live life.

 

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