Depression…

It has been a bad day….

Depression is my constant shadow.

I have wondered, thought about ending it all.

I have weapons, but have vowed to never go by way of a gun, for enough damage has been done to gun owners without yet another suicide by a gun. I spoke to a therapist years ago about this during one of my attempts and he joked that he knew I would never choose to go by gun. He and I talked about hunting and sports shooting, he was really cool. I could use him again right now. 

I have more than enough pills to do it, but I fear fucking it up and ending up in an ER, then ICU, and then to end up in a psyche hospital again. Then I can foresee my Constitutional Rights being suspended and losing all my guns and the money invested in them.

It all started this morning as we got ready to go to a  meeting. Debbie wanted a sweatshirt or sweater and I could not find it. I of course got bitchy because I could not find it. And then she started in on me about how I have been doing her laundry and she cannot find anything.

And to make it worse I said something silly on the way to the meeting, something like you want to slap me in the head and she said yes. She admitted to wanting to hit me. I have always vowed to not live in a relationship where physical violence occurred. I saw my parents fight physically and I was beaten by my mother on a regular basis, so physical violence is not my game. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from the traumatic childhood I had at the violent hand of my mother and her sadistic psychological abuse as well.

I am deeply in debt for two motorcycles and I have no car, other than my old Jeep that I am waiting to put back on the road in two months once it is legally an antique and no longer will be required to pass emission testing. 

I am old.

I am tired.

I am tired of starting over.

I am going to stop taking all my meds and let the processes take their course.

This is the third time I have been married. I cannot see me dating, as I cannot imagine finding anyone my age interested in me as  I am not a handsome old man or rich.

I am broke and broke down.

I feel like I am just occupying space, taking up room. I feel like it is time to go, to leave this realm and enter the next.

But if I can hold on till after the Holidays and find an apartment, something close to work, then I could move out, then file bankruptcy and start life over again and alone.

If I were to do this and succeed I would vow to never ever date or be involved with anyone again. 

I have no family left. My sons and grandchildren live 350 miles away and would never miss me. 

Why, why go on?

I have an ex-girlfriend, mother of one of my sons, she loves me still, but she is married and in a relationship that she would not leave.

Would people morn?

No.

I have a policy paid for that takes care of my cremation and I have my Urn purchased. 

But hell, just chuck my remains in the garbage……….

One thought on “Depression…”

  1. Oh no, please don’t end it! You would never believe how much people would miss, people you wouldn’t even have thought! When someone commits suicide it touches more people than anyone could ever realise! I could never tell you not to feel this way because I know exactly how it feels. Just find a smile thing to live for, to get through hour by hour. Hopefully you can pass by enough time for things maybe to start feeling a bit better. I used to think to myself ‘I’ll stay for Christmas’ or ‘I’ll stay till Wednesday’ just setting myself little manageable goals. It sounds ridiculous I know but I used to do it and somewhere in between things would get a little easier to manage again. My life was pretty hopeless and it still is in some ways, I’ve never even got my life started…I’ve been engaged twice and it never worked out…but I’m still here! If I can do it you definitely can too 🙂 You’re stuck in the self-loathing spiral of the depression, which is the worst…when your mind only lists and screams the negative at you all the time. Our own minds can be so cruel to us! It is not your fault your parents were so mean. Please don’t let the hurt they caused take you down now when you were still brave enough to move on from all that back then and live your own life until now…keep going!!

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