It has been a bad day….
Depression is my constant shadow.
I have wondered, thought about ending it all.
I have weapons, but have vowed to never go by way of a gun, for enough damage has been done to gun owners without yet another suicide by a gun. I spoke to a therapist years ago about this during one of my attempts and he joked that he knew I would never choose to go by gun. He and I talked about hunting and sports shooting, he was really cool. I could use him again right now.
I have more than enough pills to do it, but I fear fucking it up and ending up in an ER, then ICU, and then to end up in a psyche hospital again. Then I can foresee my Constitutional Rights being suspended and losing all my guns and the money invested in them.
It all started this morning as we got ready to go to a meeting. Debbie wanted a sweatshirt or sweater and I could not find it. I of course got bitchy because I could not find it. And then she started in on me about how I have been doing her laundry and she cannot find anything.
And to make it worse I said something silly on the way to the meeting, something like you want to slap me in the head and she said yes. She admitted to wanting to hit me. I have always vowed to not live in a relationship where physical violence occurred. I saw my parents fight physically and I was beaten by my mother on a regular basis, so physical violence is not my game. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from the traumatic childhood I had at the violent hand of my mother and her sadistic psychological abuse as well.
I am deeply in debt for two motorcycles and I have no car, other than my old Jeep that I am waiting to put back on the road in two months once it is legally an antique and no longer will be required to pass emission testing.
I am old.
I am tired.
I am tired of starting over.
I am going to stop taking all my meds and let the processes take their course.
This is the third time I have been married. I cannot see me dating, as I cannot imagine finding anyone my age interested in me as I am not a handsome old man or rich.
I am broke and broke down.
I feel like I am just occupying space, taking up room. I feel like it is time to go, to leave this realm and enter the next.
But if I can hold on till after the Holidays and find an apartment, something close to work, then I could move out, then file bankruptcy and start life over again and alone.
If I were to do this and succeed I would vow to never ever date or be involved with anyone again.
I have no family left. My sons and grandchildren live 350 miles away and would never miss me.
Why, why go on?
I have an ex-girlfriend, mother of one of my sons, she loves me still, but she is married and in a relationship that she would not leave.
Would people morn?
I have a policy paid for that takes care of my cremation and I have my Urn purchased.
But hell, just chuck my remains in the garbage……….