Journal Day 27

This is going to be the first journal entry I type while completely wasted. Well, this paragraph or a few more afterwards will be, until I say otherwise. This entry is for November 19th, day 27 of my recent journal entries. I feel so numb I can’t even think. People around me have passed out. Other people are just lying asleep in the most uncomfortable of positions. Well, I’m not ready to go to sleep yet.

(//these kinds of comments are from when I’m reading and making changes in the morning).

This morning I spent a majority of time buying out groceries. These groceries were about $50, and they’ll last me probably a week or even less. Honestly I can’t care about anything right now. My body is in total numbness, I cannot feel anything. I can’t even feel my fingers as I type these words and sentences. My mind is in a whirlwind, my vision a blur, my hearing destroyed, my sense of touch numbed. Yet I write. I’m logical. I was able to calculate bar fees and tip without the aid of a calculator (//I mean I kept track of the costs, and when the receipt arrived, I was spot on. Who cares about calculating tip?).

I believe I can think clearly and comprehensively. My typing is similar to the speed I normally type at when sober, though I don’t feel my fingers touching the keys. I can look in one direction and focus on it vividly but when I look to another direction, it’s a blur. I can smack my arms and walk around without any shoes, but I don’t feel myself smacking my arms, nor do I feel my feet touching the ground, yet I move.

I just want to go to sleep – to take a nap. There is nothing easier. My eyelids are heavy. My body is numb. My body is slow. My brain is slow. My brain has this constricting feeling around it, as if it’s being squeeze by a tight rubber band down the middle, and is in a small room with increasing pressure. I drank a lot tonight, not by choice, but because it was a friend’s birthday party I was invited to, and to drink was to be a part of the group.

People are passed out around me in the most awkward positions. One person has their hands in front of a laptop, and is lying halfway on the couch, body on the couch, legs off, the laptop is on and he is just lying there dead almost. I feel like passing out too. I’d like to think I can rationally think in this position, but I’ve drank too much. All this posting will probably look like dribble to me when I wake up and read it in the morning. I just sneezed four consecutive times in a row within 1-2 seconds of each other.

It was a freezing night outside, not that I felt any of it. I was way too numb and so were my friends. I sneezed again. I sneezed again. That’s sneezing six times within minutes of each other. The first four were seconds to each other.

Is it a good feeling that I’m numb? I can’t feel a thing. The only thing I feel is tiredness. I can barely read the text on the screen – even with my contacts on – because it is so blurry. Again, I can’t even feel my fingers typing. I just see words appearing on the screen as I think them. I can easily pass out, but I fight it. I’ll now try and describe how today was like, in my extremely drunk state.

Today I woke up around 9 or 10 AM, and I was extremely hungry. I checked the fridge and there was no food left. So after taking a shower and brushing my teeth, my dad and I went to Costco to buy food. I hauled in a bunch of fruits and vegetables for around $50. Yay, this should last me about a week. I know it’s expensive, but I also know that it’s extremely healthy. So I have no qualms against it. Oh my gosh, so numb. I’m going to swap my contact lenses for glasses so in case I pass out, I’ll have my contacts out.

food-haul
Food Haul

Yeah well, I’m wearing glasses now. I don’t remember where I put my contacts. It should’ve been in my pockets, but they’re not in there, so I don’t know where they went. I asked the host where they kept the blankets, I got a response of “over there” with no directions or anything, just a passed out response of “over there” so you know what? I’m going to steal the blanket in your room and use that as my own as I sleep on the floor tonight. (//imagine someone lying down and just saying “over there”, that’s the response I got) This is sad. I really don’t know where my contacts are, they should be in my pockets.

I’m now next to a bunch of passed out and snoring people. I can’t blame them. I want more than anything to go to sleep right now, yet I write.

So I woke up this morning and because there wasn’t any food in the fridge, I went out to buy some food, mostly fruits and vegetables. This was around $50. This amount of food usually lasts me a few days to a week before I have to go and restock. (//Cool, I just repeated myself. But I wasn’t sure, I remembered writing about it, but I didn’t know, and I could barely read the screen).

Yikes. My mind is so numb. I want nothing more than to just pass out.

After buying the groceries, I ate at home. Then I packed up to head to the office, and as I was about to head out, a package arrived. A big coincidence because I already had my jacket and backpack on, ready to head out into the world, when I opened the door and found a package for me. It was one of the new books I ordered, this one was called “The Edge” and I read a little bit of it.

There was an entire section of the book dedicated to anti-drugs and anti-alcohol. I am for all that. Except it was my friend’s birthday, and to say no to alcohol would have meant saying no to a friend. It was hard to resist, but I drank. In most situations, I don’t drink. Since this was a close friend who paid for all my meals during my own birthday a few months back, to refuse this invite now by not drinking would be disrespectful. (//I say no to drinking 95% of the time. I’m probably not going to the freaking football game tonight because it’ll be loads more drinking and I already had my share of drinks this weekend).

The book “the edge” is pretty powerful. There’s thousands of quotes and ideas in the book that teach a person how to become the best that they can be. The premise of it, summed up, can all be boiled down to: “Hard work = success”, at least that’s what I got from the book (//That’s what I got from reading the few sections I did, and skimming other areas). And hard work is never easy. You have to do a lot in order to succeed, and you might fail a lot on the way (//oh really?).

But yeah, I’m now very sleepy. So very sleepy. I’m just going to give in and pass out now. Good night, I’ll pick up from where I left off: writing about “the edge” book and right before I left to go back to the office to take a bunch of selfies – just future reference for when I write the next few paragraphs when I’m sober again.

Exactly as described above. I read through parts of the book “The Edge” and I drove to my office to work. I planned on working. Instead I took a bunch of selfies. So I’m used to getting compliments like this, but Savedbygrace said it wasn’t very healthy for me to lose anymore weight because I already looked fine.

Everyone says it. Even when I was obese, I’d get comments that I wasn’t that fat, and it was kind of demoralizing. I know Savedbygrace and others had the best intentions, and I know I look fine without anymore weight loss, but I’m 100 million percent sure I am at a very unhealthy weight and I need to lose a lot more. I know I look okay, but health-wise, I still need to lose a lot more. Just for comparison to the weight I’ve lost so far, I made an image with side by side comparisons making the same expressions and poses.

megg-before-after

This took a couple of hours, probably 3 hours to create. Was that a waste of time? I don’t know, I enjoyed working on it. I submitted the photo on reddit. I thought it would’ve gotten a lot more likes and views, but whatever. That was my first post I’ve ever submitted on that website.

Okay so it’s kind of hard to tell, but my body still needs a lot of work. My arms have a lot of flab. My face too. Stomach is too round, face is too round. Thighs are too huge. These are judgments only I can make for myself, because in our society it’s not okay to go up to someone and tell them their physical flaws. I’m glad that it isn’t okay to do that, I’m just saying no one else will make this judgment about myself except for me.

2-smaller-rotated

I have no idea how it works. Despite being overweight / obese, I look completely fine. I had a friend that at his peak weight weighed 4 pounds less than my current weight now, him and I being the same height. When he weighed these 4 pounds less, he looked like the most unhealthy bastard that ever walked on the planet. Huge stomach. Fat face. Very terrible. I can’t begin to describe how bad or sickly he looked, but he looked even worse than me at 186 than me at 235.

Maybe because I only eat healthy foods like fruits and vegetables that I look okay despite my weight. I get a lot of antioxidants, vitamins, folate, phytonutrients, fiber, etc., on a daily basis. He ate lots of pizzas and drank lots of alcohol to get to 186. That’s probably why he looked like crap. Still, he lost all that weight now, and he weighs around 170 pounds today in mostly muscle and the difference is huge.

When I say that I only eat healthy foods, I mean I cannot even stomach any other kind of food. My body has been conditioned unconsciously, because I didn’t put any effort into it, into completely avoiding any types of unhealthy food. If someone gave me a burger and fries for example, I’d give it to someone else. It isn’t even something my body considers food anymore.

It’s like how as an adult a lot of people avoid hard candies or candies in general because it’s not appetizing at all to them, that’s how I feel about burgers and fries or pizzas or steak. I just can’t even imagine myself eating it just because of how my body automatically rejects it. No effort at all on my part in avoiding those kinds of foods, it’s pretty amazing. How did I ever like that kind of food in the first place?

That basically sums up my day. I woke up, bought groceries, read a bit of the book “The Edge”, went to the office, took selfie comparison photos, went out with a group to celebrate a friend’s birthday, and got intoxicated and wrote those first few paragraphs in the beginning. I thought it was a wasted day. I didn’t get a single thing done.

Observant Bystander didn’t really do anything either today, which I said wasn’t good because we’re supposed to help each other to not have lazy or boring lives.

 

 

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