friendship

Things I Never Told You

This is a letter to my best friend from middle school through high school. I know it isn’t the most detailed, but I am hoping that she reads this or accepts the truth when she hears it, even if it has been seven years since we spoke. I left key parts of our problems out of this version of my letter, but I thought it might get back to her…

Dear Mallory,

It has been so long since we have spoken, and there are so many things that I never told you when I had the chance. When you accused me of lying to you and of hiding things, you were right. I just didn’t have the courage to tell you the truth back then. Senior year was so hard already, and everything in my life was just making it harder. You were my best friend, my other half, and without you I lost my way. You were part of the person that I was. I regret doing all that I did to lose you so much. I regret losing you even more.

The last Friday that I actually saw you was the last day I was enrolled in high school. I told you that I was transferring to another school, and I had intended to, but things happened over that weekend that completely changed my mind. We shared a teary-eyed goodbye that day, and I gave you a hug, never dreaming that it would be our last.

That semester, I had started dating DJ. I’m sure you remember him because you didn’t like him from the very beginning. You said he had a temper, and you were right. But I didn’t care, because I was dating him just because my family didn’t approve. As soon as I left the school that Friday afternoon, I went home and he was sitting on our front steps. I had broken up with him earlier in the day over the phone because he was being so controlling and paranoid that I was seeing other people while I was in school. No one was at home yet, and we went inside so we could talk and I could hopefully give him the closure he needed to accept that we were finished and move on. He didn’t accept it, and he got mad. He brutally beat me until I couldn’t breathe, and then took it farther. He raped me. Right there in my kitchen, he raped me. And then he just…left. Like he hadn’t done a thing.

When my grandmother got home, she took me straight to the sheriff’s office and I filed a report and had a rape kit done and they almost immediately arrested him. But I was numb inside, and I saw him in everyone—my grandma, the cops, other people, even my own reflection. I didn’t want to see anyone, not for a long time. And that’s what I told my grandmother that weekend. That is why my drop forms were on Coach Davis’ desk by Monday afternoon.

You accused me of lying about going to another school, but I did not lie. You asked me what the truth was, and I could not tell you. I was so afraid and ashamed of what I let happen, and I couldn’t talk about it. I never dreamed that dropping out and not being able to tell you what happened would cost our friendship, but it did. I never meant to hurt you or make you feel like I was lying to you, but I did. I was hurting so badly myself that I never even thought about how much it might hurt you to believe that I was doing those things to you.

I loved you Mallory. You were family to me. I miss you to this day. I hope you forgive me someday, even if we don’t ever talk again. And I truly hope you are doing well.

With love and regret for things never said,

Hoping you find and read the truth,

Caitlyn…..

 

Leave a Reply

SCROLL TO TOP