Awake at 3:00 a.m.

Yesterday we visited Matthew.  He is the same and all his meds have been kept the same.  I don’t see any improvement; but he may come home Tuesday, so I am thankful for that.  It has sunk in for me that he will never be “normal” — Jacob, either, who is also autistic, more so.  It’s kind of taking the wind out of my sails.  I always knew they would be special forever, but I guess I harbored some hope that meds could help or something.  Matthew asks every attractive female he encounters, “Will you marry me?”  and “Can I kiss you?”  At 15 years old this is not so funny as at 12.  Will he ever be able to be married?  Not if he can’t control his anger or hold down a job.  I’m just worrying. That’s no use.  I will go back to bed and try to sleep.  Matthew’s mom took him a beautiful colorful “Shark Encyclopedia” —-gorgeous book. He liked that!  He also look at my “Birds and Blooms” magazine with me, identifying cardinals, bluebirds, woodpeckers, hummingbirds, owls and sunflowers.  I was so proud of him! 

2 thoughts on “Awake at 3:00 a.m.”

  1. I know what you mean how you worry about Matthew’s future…I’ve never been able to hold down a job (well was never allowed a paid job so I’ve never had one even though I’m 28!) and because of that I still live at home…but my son arrived and I’m looking after him and there’s hope again. You never know what will happen and come along. I know how it feels to look into the future and see it as only dark and bleak, with so many odds against someone, you think how could they be ok? But Matthew WILL be ok, it’s impossible to imagine but things will work out as they go along, you’ll see. Any miracles can come someone’s way too. There’s always a way out somewhere, it’s just difficult to wait it out and live with your terrible worries. Big hugs!!

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