Busy busy busy!

My sister came down from Reading on the Thursday and stayed with us till today! That’s why I’ve not written here. Harry loves his Aunty Ali 🙂 She’s the classic fun Aunt. I’m anything but fun, it’s just the way I am…I always end up feeling stupid and I do prefer to be quieter! Ali came down because it was my dads birthday on the Thursday then my mums on the Friday and her own birthday is in four days time! I love it when my sister comes down because she helps me and my mum so much. But the thing is, since she’s had her own life now for so long she has no patience anymore for our dad’s severe mental health conditions…the pair of them ALWAYS end up arguing badly and they did, which made my mum extremely upset, and me too of course. I try not to say too much though. My dad is really not well at all now; he only washes about once a month, he wears exactly the same clothes including underwear for like a week and a half, he doesn’t eat dinner with us anymore he just drinks Pepsi and milk and snacks on things like custard, cakes and biscuits all the time 🙁 My mum is so fed up she is paying for him to see a private psychiatrist because there are no psychiatrists on the NHS…dad lost his psychiatrist forever ago and so he was actually being maintained by my psychiatrist at the time…but then my psychiatrist had to leave 🙁 Now I’ve been discharged from mental health services but my dad can never be discharged. The NHS have left him alone way too much.

After my sister argued with him I tried to talk to her. We always end up discussing how he was with us as children which makes me feel low. Apparently her and dad argued because he made an extremely racist comment when they were watching TV. She obviously told him not to say things like that and my dad said “don’t talk to me like that in MY house.” Now my sister has banned him from ever staying in her new house 🙁 I understand where she is coming from; the argument they had happened on Saturday and I think on the Thursday before my sister arrived my dad and I were watching TV and he made an extremely foul and disturbing comment about disabled children that I cannot repeat on this since I choose my entries to be public 🙁 It is extremely embarrassing and I am ashamed…but I know it’s just his illness. The man I used to call my father would NEVER have said such obscene things about people a bit different from him. I didn’t react to his comment about the poor disabled children on TV, I just said “I feel terrible about the parents, it must be so awful to see your child in such a state, they are so brave and dedicated to try their best to look after them.” My dad didn’t say anything to this.

Ali ended up discussing the past we had with him when we were children and she says he should never have said all the things he said to us, especially me. I know that now though; but my dad is too ill to ever see if from our point of view, he is too ill to see the error of his ways, he is so ill he probably doesn’t even remember now making such a racist comment. My sister spoke of the things he said to us…I remember all to well unfortunately, things that destroyed me and my sense of self worth and that’s why I started to self harm at age 12 🙁 My sister suffered major anxiety as a result of my dads illness. For me it triggered terrible self harm, then depression and suicide. Psychiatrists say that these kind of traumatic events triggered the Borderline Personality Disorder in me. I remember when I was much younger that my dad eventually refused to go to my parents evenings because he said “You’re going to fail everything anyway so there’s no point.” I was so upset by this that when my teachers asked why no one would come to my parents evening I said “my dad can’t be arsed, that’s why” and I got into so much trouble for using the term ‘arsed’. I was called out of my class by the head teacher and given a serious talking to, a de-merit and detention. My dad was so upset when I ended up doing so well in all my GCSEs though that year. My mum told me “Just be proud that you’ve proved your dad wrong.” But I think the damage had already been done though. My dad would say other things like he understood why I had no friends. He said I was a freak and that all I do is make myself look uglier and uglier. This was when I became a goth. The worst thing he said though was that it was all my fault he became ill, that I was the reason he was so unwell. Back then I actually believed him because I was only 12 or 13. I felt awful because obviously I felt like I’d done something seriously awful making my dad ill which has made my mum and sister so sad. That’s when I started trying to commit suicide. I never said about my dads comments though because whenever I told my mum she said it wasn’t true and that our situation wasn’t that bad. I thought I was making a huge fuss out of nothing so I never said anything. Eventually I thought I actually was just making a big deal out of nothing and hated myself even more and the self harm and suicide attempts spiralled. I started going out with people with questionable characters and really bad things would happen with each of them. I kept dropping out of college and ending up in hospitals for years on end. I was not allowed paid work, I never finished my A-Levels…I hated myself more and more. I was letting my dads words back then make me what he called me…a failure. I was letting his words destroy me and become a failure. But things have changed now 🙂 I can do it. I wasn’t the one who made my dad ill. He became ill because of his work.

I told my sister it was ok, and to basically feel bad for our father because…he was told back in 2004 that he would never experience good mental health, he would not experience any more improvement…they basically wrote him off and he had to retire within a week and that was that. He has only ever got worse. He’s no longer the man he was, his illness has taken away all that he used to be, and now he’s just an empty shell…that must be awful. My sister is still angry and still says he’s banned from her house. She says that she knows he’s ill but there is still no excuse for racist comments and comments against the physically disabled. Sigh, we’re supposed to all be staying at her new house the day before we travel to Mexico via Heathrow…as she lives in Reading she offered a while ago that we travel to her house on the 13th and spend the night, then head on to Heathrow which isn’t too far from her house. But now she’s banned dad…how are we supposed to do that? We wanted to break up the journey to make it easier on Harry to travel. It’ll certainly be a long journey for him.

I wish I could make the argument better and make everyone feel better. My dad has been extremely unwell mentally since the argument, well much more so than normal…I think somewhere he does know…? I know this has been a depressing entry really but I’m ok. What my dad used to say back then just wasn’t true and I will never become as ill as he is. My little miracle came along (the above photo Harry was only 3 weeks old!) and things have changed 🙂 I need to keep preparing for Mexico we leave in 23 days!

  1. I do not judge people who are seen as different and I accept people for who they are
  2. I forgive my father for what he used to say to me and I know none of it was true

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