I’m kind of a mess. I’ve been emailing with L again. It makes me happy. It makes me smile. It makes me awfully short tempered with my family 🙁 . Why is it always this way? I’ve forgiven myself a thousand times over for the affair. It was a hard lesson learned. But a good one. An invaluable one. I learned that I will never ignore my emotional and physical needs ever again. And yet here I am reaching out for L again. What is missing? Is it the stress of the holiday and family coming? My BIL is bringing a woman and her son with him when he comes to visit. I am completely fine with this. But it is indeed a big change. All any of us want for him and the kids is for them to be happy. My dear sister – rest her spirit – wants him to be happy. I know she does. My sister will never be replaced. We all know that. I don’t believe my BIL will ever consider anyone he is with a replacement for his late wife. But companionship – he deserves that.
(I’m starting to feel better already as I write – amazing how that works).
Perhaps this funk that I am in is also a call to remind myself of what I have an what I could lose if I don’t pay attention. I have a lot. I am abundantly blessed. I have a caring husband. I have an amazing daughter. I have an amazing son. I am healthy. My husband and children are healthy. I have love. I love myself – more now than ever. I have friends. I have parents who are alive and very well. I have 2 brothers and their families whom I love and who love me. I have enough abundance to have a Thanksgiving dinner at my house for my family. I live in a nice community. I live where the seasons change and I can love and appreciate each one for its unique beauty. I have a car to drive. I have a job that helps contribute to our comfortable life. I am blessed.