As the title says.
I had an emotional breakdown today but it’s all good now.
It happened during success. I was sitting alone at the table after my first three periods, usual usual usual, but something in my head felt super off and I didn’t understand what was happening until I started to absently write random stuff in my poetry notebook and my handwriting started turning to crap because I was shaking.
I scribbled almost a whole page about how devastated I was feeling. It wasn’t pretty. Seriously. It was horribly ugly and melodramatic. But the scariest thing about it was that I actually, for about twenty minutes, felt simultaneously like I was going to cry, scream, and/or kill myself.
Nothing really happened to bring it on, actually, so it was rather unexpected. Funny. I thought I was going to kill myself because I was/am lonely and stressed and exhausted and embarrassed and helpless and hopeless and despairing.
It was all internal, though, of course. Nothing came out. I didn’t cry or make weird noises. My head and my chest really hurt though–it’s surprising, how much they hurt. And I still don’t know why I had such a strong reaction to the fact that I have some tests and a lab tomorrow; they’re nothing, really.
I can’t wait until I can sleep for ten hours a night during Thanksgiving break. I’m so tired, all the time, and I can’t help but feel that crushing loneliness when I see my classmates being so happy and buddy-buddy with each other. It’s just jealousy and envy and a shameful kind of loneliness.
Shouldn’t be wasting any more time. I have three tests and a lab to study for. I just don’t feel so good, that’s all. I feel sick. I felt nauseous and dizzy when I was having that breakdown–I wanted to throw up or maybe just lay down on the floor and press my cheek to the nice white tiles and sleep or maybe die. I don’t know what’s wrong with me; obviously something is wrong, maybe some kind of serious mental or emotional or personality disorder, but it doesn’t really matter. I just hope nothing like this ever happens again. It’s happened before–abrupt tunnels of despair and suicidal thoughts–but it hasn’t for a very long time, the longest time.
Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. I hope so.