I don’t even know how to feel anymore



I think I’m in love.

I don’t know how this is possible or what exactly this means for me, but all the signs are their, all the signs that showed me I was in love with my ex boyfriend and my previous exes.

I keep thinking about him. All the time, even when there is not reminder of him, but EVERYTHING is a reminder of him.

Yesterday he barely texted me at all, yet it showed he had been active since I had sent my last message, and I got super anxious. I don’t know how I’d go on if I lost my only current friend and the guy I believe I have more than light feelings for.

Plus, I took an online quiz, which makes it completely official (gag)

Tomorrows Thanksgiving and it’s honestly not going to feel like it.

My grandma got sick a few days ago and had to go to the hospital for bowel blockage. The doctors told her it was more than likely just a temporary thing that would fix itself, but last night she went back to the hospital and they decided to perform surgery on her to fix the blockage.

She had the surgery today and it only took around an hour to complete. I called her during Biology today to tell her I loved her, just in case.

But she made it through, and she’s sleeping as we speak.

The reason I’m telling you this is because now we can’t have our family thanksgiving at her house. Which is totally fine, since I know she will be better after this and it will make a hell of a difference and yata yata yata. But my dad works all night tonight and all day tomorrow practically (stupid black Friday, starting in the middle of Thanksgiving now) and all day Friday, so I’ll be alone most of the time.

You have no idea how much I want to hang out with Hollister Model. I really want to text him to ask him to hang out, but he has work until 8 and tomorrow is thanksgiving which is strictly a family thing, and Friday he probably has to work too. or he has better plans.

Honestly, if Hollister Model isn’t an option, I’d literally hang out with a fucking mutant spider if it meant not having to be alone. I’m at the library until my Dad gets off of work (which won’t be until super late) because I don’t want to go home to an empty house.

I had a bunch of midterms today, because teachers hate us. Biology, History, and Psychology, all of which I believe I at least passed. I know for sure I got a 64 percent on the History test (its a scantron so we get our results instantly, which is a mid D in our grading system. Pretty sure I did alright on the Biology test but I know I at least got a B on the Psychology test.

Psychology has always been a huge interest of mine, and if videography doesn’t work out for me, maybe a career in Psychology will do me some good. Even though I have more issues than all the childhood actors turned drug addicts in the world. So who am I to be a fucking psychologist?

I constantly am thinking about Hollister Model, guys. I know he doesn’t like me and probably never will, and I’ve vented on this situation with two semi close friends of mine PLUS wrote it all down her anonymously and yet I still feel like I’m going to die.

How do I get over him romantically so that I can focus on us just being friends?

I will do anything.

Except tell him. Because that’s way off limits. Even if it is the only thing that will release me of this pain (you might think I’m being dramatic but I’m literally not)

I’d rather feel like I’m drowning whenever I think of him or see him then have the way we are change because of me telling him I like him.

Comment your thoughts.


2 thoughts on “I don’t even know how to feel anymore”

  1. Your life seems way more exhilarating than mine and I’m jealous.

  2. Dear, this will sound very odd. But there is something that can help you with your feelings. Try praying for this friend/boyfriend. Just bless him. Ask for health and good things for him. It will be your way of loving him. And actual changes will come into his life because of your faithful prayers. And he need never know. I hope it works out for you —-the girlfriend/boyfriend thing. I know the prayer will work to ease your pain. Hugs.

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