For Christian Devine, the distempered sociopath.

You and I will always have unfinished business. For that, I do sincerely blame you. I have always wanted to resolve our issues and let go of hostility. You know how that has gone for me the past month. I cannot make peace with what you have done while you continue to pile it on top of the mountain I’m trying to move. It is selfish for you to expect my friendship or cordiality while you take actions that harm me, and then get irritated when I am hurt. I hope one day your hypervigilance quells and you realize just how unfair you have been to me recently.

I want to have a peaceful heart. I want to let go of all of the hurt you have caused me. The cheating, your sham marriage, the lies, the abuse just in the past few months alone, they’re all so much. No one is to blame for my actions. But you are to blame for many of my feelings. I have tried to understand why you do the things you do. By your own admission, you have never shown anyone the evil, dangerous side of yourself that you show me. I have been drowning in confusion and desperation, trying to figure out why and what I could do to be spared from the emotional torture you inflict on me.

I listened to all of your concerns at the beginning, and I was ready to be what you told me to be. I really tried to get to know the “real” you this time. You never did let me in; you never even took me seriously. To be lying to me and hurting me over the phone while you were on dates with those girls, sleeping with the others. I want to ask, “How could you?” But I already know. You never wanted to love me. You never wanted us to love one another. I firmly believe that you wanted ownership. To obtain me, to control me, just to feel like you could. Well, you did. And you ruined me, for the third time. I have to tell you that you’re fabulous at spinning and manipulating. You’re great at what you do. I fucking hope you don’t do this to anyone else, now that you have gotten most of it out of your system. Anyone else who reads this very well may think I sound crazy. Imagine if they knew the truth about you.

For the record, I do miss the Christian Devine that I fell in love with. Even if he and I were never going to work, I would much rather have spent time with someone who genuinely cared about me and my well-being (even if he would put his first). I wish you respected me, but I cannot be upset that you don’t, as I never made you. That’s my fault. I won’t ever say you never did anything for me. I won’t pretend you didn’t at least half-ass it sometimes.

As for the positive end-note, just think of our happy memories and traditions. You know what rituals I held dear. You know what I loved and didn’t. Cherish the memories, or don’t.

I wanted this note to convey a message, but I cannot get through the overwhelming sadness I feel.

The good news is that it’s over now. Accept that as my gift to you, and your family that I so desperately wished I could be a part of, especially on this day. Of all the people who will feel relief over this, you & yours will feel it most. At least I can give you that. I’m sorry you never saw any other type of gift in me.

I love you, I guess.
That’s probably the worst part.


The distempered sociopath.

“Yes, there was a broken man in the abyss. I reached down to help him out, but every time my hand almost touched his, he would slip, fall a little deeper. Tunnel-visioned, I followed. Adamant to get him out, I descended. ‘I’ll help you; I’ll save you.’ He would slip, and I would step deeper into the dark. I realized it too late: he wasn’t slipping… he was luring me.”

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