Not Much Better…

And it continues…

I thought things would be better, but they are not.

There is a distance, a very familiar feeling, much like 30 years ago when my first wife and I divorced. 

My first wife, Jan, started growing distant, and I was filled with dread, as if I knew something tragic was about to unfold in my life. We had been together for 8 years, married for 7 of those years. It all started out grand, but I became a drunk and an addict. Honestly leaving me was the best thing she could have ever done for herself as I would have only drug her down with me as I spiraled out of control.

As the break up was beginning she was starting to be sick a lot, major headaches, stomach aches. And of course she started distancing herself from me. I found out the stomach issues and the headaches were due to the stress of getting the ground work laid to have me removed and then her filing for a divorce.

I have much the same feeling now. Debbie seems happy to be around other people, our friends and family. But alone with me she huffs and grumbles. When we are alone together she stays involved with her phone and at home it is the same. I often say something, but it earns no response from her. And at night she is up until late as she is either busy on her note pad or her phone. She plays a few games and surfs Facebook, but it all seems to be a way to avoid me. 

Then for Thanksgiving all our plans fell apart, only her mom is coming over. SO I thought we could either go out for a Turkey Dinner or just have a cookout here. I suggested making Chili.

Her and her mom went to the grocery to get the  ingredients. I started browning the meat and trying to prepare it because she was in such agony from Physical Therapy. I must inject that in the past two months it has been a rarity for her to be downstairs. I have been doing things my way. I rearranged the spice cabinet since I do all the cooking. Huge fucking mistake! Tonight she was unable to find the spices she wanted. I told her to tell me what she needed and I would get it for her. She said she did not like that, she wanted to search through the spices and pick things that struck her. SO in my attempt to do something different I made a wreck of her system.

I feel so fucking down and out. 

I feel like I do not belong here. I feel like some strange visitor that has mucked up her life, her home. I feel like an unwanted animal that has den’d up in some one else burrow and they have just walked in.

I just want to vanish, to evaporate into a mist and just drift away.

I fall asleep at night praying to God that I will not awake here on Earth, but rather in His arms. I want to find peace. I want to belong. I am tired of feeling out of place and time.

I have started missing my meds and my blood glucose numbers reflect that. I just don’t care. I do continue the use of my pain management medications as I hate the pain and numbness.

So who knows…

I went thru my t-shirts and I have a large trash bag full. I am going to talk to a fellow at work and see if he wants them and should he not be interested I will just throw them in the garbage.

I got tired of Debbie looking for a leather vest, so I gave her the one I bought her for Christmas. She did not like the fit, not even wanting to unlace it for a loose fit and she complained about the neck. I mean it is still stiff, not broken in and with a leather product one should give it a little chance to form to your body. I told her I had purchased two, I will keep mine and give the other one to a friend or throw it away too.

Our friends are going out of town for the Holidays and have asked me to take care of their cat. I at least have an excuse to get out of the house and away from her. I figure her mom will stay with her while I am out. I plan on going over and feeding the cat and then taking off for a long ride on my bike and fuck the bitching I will face if I come back. Might get lucky and get slaughtered in a Holiday traffic accident!

It is sadly strange how few people know how I feel inside, of how this gloom and doom is devouring me.

When I am out I always have a smile and light heart, I mask the agony inside. I alway joke and appear light hearted and care free.

If only they knew the real person inside……….

One thought on “Not Much Better…”

  1. I know I’m not much help…I’m pretty useless and insignificant really…but I wish you felt better and I’m really glad to see you’ve written again. I was quite worried about your last entry…I’m still worried about this one but really glad you’ve written again. I know how you feel I really do especially about the going to sleep every night and hoping you’ll die in your sleep. I’m sorry you’ve had a rough time with drugs and alcohol…I’ve been addicted to prescription drugs and it was terrible. Just wanted to comment to say you’re not alone and I’m worried, you are important, I just hope you carry on through this and things won’t feel as horrific as they do now. I also know what you mean by wanting peace too…I still want that and think about it sometimes even now!

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