Friday November 25th

I haven’t done a lot. I took 3 packages to the post office. I met a guy for an eBay sale. I took some stuff to the Room Service consignment store. I took some stuff to Goodwill. I went to Wal-Mart and bought some more boxes, paper, and bubble wrap. I am very broke at the moment- I don’t know that I would be buying much even if I wasn’t, though. I was considering the idea of not getting a storage place and just putting my stuff at my mother’s, but after actually going there yesterday, that’s going to be a negative. I will just pay for the storage place. I know I am going to need some sort of bookshelf, but I don’t know what is going to work- and what may work at my little dump here, may not fit in my long term dump. 

I tried to stay away from my mother yesterday. I went so I could see my children and my nephews. And I wanted the food, too, to be honest. She came outside where I was sitting and asked me about where I was moving. She asked me about selling my stuff. She gave me a hard time about selling Noah’s bed. She said, “I believe I bought that mattress and box spring.” She wanted it for Bethany. I had no idea Bethany wanted that bed. It was just from Overstock and not very much. Bethany makes more money that I do! That doesn’t matter. She still wants everything for Bethany and to hell with me. Take, take, take from me so Bethany can have more. I really, really hate her. I absolutely cannot be around her without her insulting me or making me feel bad. 

I did see two of the group that used to be my friends on Wednesday. They acted like I should have reached out to them. I felt like I was always the one contacting first. There’s an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry says that a person should get the hint after a while if they are always the one to have to initiate contact. I stopped contacting them, and then radio silence for months. 

I have no family. My children are all I have- they don’t care much for me- they could take me or leave me. It’s starting to look like I will live my whole life without ever having anyone love me best. That may sound stupid, but I have never been anyone’s favorite. I’m always the back seat friend, easily forgotten. 

I am holding on to a tiny shred of hope that when I move, I will be able to meet someone that will love me. 

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