Venting some more

So it should be said, that I have more or less been dating this person since all my shit blew up. Yes, I know I am still married technically. Legally. Plot twist, he lives in Korea for a year…just enough time for me to get my shit together?

 

We talk every single say. He elevates me, thrills me, romances me even. He sends me little gifts. He seems perfect. We fall asleep on Skype together nearly every day. We will Skype for hours and hours. I love him, I do. 

 

Here are my insecurities: When we first began talking, we would talk about hot and heavy things. I’d get off to the sound of his voice while sitting in my car. He’s ask me if I wanted to “see it” and I’d enthusiastically get involved. I think you see where this goes…we had fun. Once we got to know each other, how I felt about sex. I love it. I touch myself all the time, I believe it’s amazing and healthy. He’s tell me how good my ass looked on Skype, and proceed to whip it out. I loved it. 

Flash forward to now-again, remember it has not been that long. He avoids any sex talk like the plague. I have stopped sending him sexy pictures, texts, etc. I was thinking it’s because I made the mistake of telling him I have a sort of… DDLG kink… He seemed not to mind, but ever since that whole thing he has totally cut me off sexually. I really really really don’t think he is getting it somewhere else, but it still makes me feel terrible. I have brought it up to him and asked, “what do you think?”. His answer? “I understand”. Like what a fake answer… seriously. He tells me that I am beautiful, he tells me I am pretty, he says he loves me..every day he says these things. This is why I am racking my brain. I am acting much cooler to him that I actually feel. It is killing me. He’ll jump into the tub while we skype and even the faintest hint of it…of HIM…of that ridiculous body. Jesus he is so nice to look at.  He’ll tell me “good girl” and I get so fucking wet. I TELL him that… 

NOTHING.

WHAT have I done? Is he teasing me, or is he not attracted to me? Did I scare him with all of my BDSM talk? I really don’t know what to think, and it’s taking a toll on my self esteem, which again I do not want to admit to him. I like him thinking I am cool, calm, collected, confident. I am getting kind of pissed about it actually. I told him he won’t hurt my feelings and to just lay it on me.  

 

NOTHING.

Then I find myself questioning it all. Not our relationship. I feel we do have something special.

He is an intellectual type. Always learning (he is 31, I am 26). He is always reading. Always questing for knowledge and truth. Maybe I have just seemed too shallow about the whole thing, and he wants to make sure we are compatible mentally/spiritually/intellectually without all the sex talk. He is very adamant that it takes more than a tight pussy and pretty face to win him over, so maybe he is just making sure.  

Sometimes I will think the dirty talk is back, and I get so excited. TODAY, he said your nose is so cute I want to kiss it. I was like oh yeahh? he goes: “yeah, stick my tongue in it”

me: “Are you mocking me?”

Him: “yeah lol”

SO, I guess I am a joke to him? I don’t know, it pissed me off considering how sexually frustrated I have been and how much he just doesn’t give a shit/doesn’t express himself on the subject. 

AT any rate, it hurts. I am hurting, I am a mess, and I have no one to talk to. First world problems, I know.

We shall see.

–aaand litrotica time, because…needs. 

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