Coming to terms

With life.

With myself.

With my actions and some of their consequences.

Slowly but surely.

I used to sit outside with my dog and look at the stars. It was so relaxing to have my life put into perspective whenever I looked at the sky at night. I miss that. My world has shrunk since the last time I’ve done that and I’ve been having some serious tunnel vision. While it’s been the best most wonderful time of my life that I will never take back it’s also been the scariest most raw and honest time in my life. I feel like running away. I feel like running away into an impenetrable fortress. I want to protect myself because I’m just a little kid inside this growing adult body. I want to hide myself in the shadows. I want to be a ghost. I can see everyone but no one can see me but they can still point their eyes in my direction and just that faux acknowledgement satisfies me. At least I thought it did. Recently I’ve been craving more, but I feel like to be acknowledged you have to acknowledge. I’ve been so self absorbed hidden in my mental fortress that I feel like I’ve forgotten how to communicate effectively. Maybe I’ve never known how to truly communicate. I hate that it takes me a really long time to reply to someone vocally, but if asked on paper i would probably answer promptly. Why is that?I feel like I should now this answer already. I don’t though and I feel quite dumb.

I’m happy I wrote all this though. More…scrambled self discovery awaits me.

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