My mind is full of thoughs I have to get rid of but It can be a mess

Well..Hello.. Its been a tough week and.. idk how I feel anymore.. My mind is like a huge mess.. Well Idk why I fell in love with a guy  I did not really know.. It felt like it felt like a love on the first glance but… idk he dont love me he left me prob he lied wt hurts is that I really loved him although I did not know him.. Well my few online friends I have they dont really talk to me and school…I just come there and nobody say hi or anything I am too shy to say hi already cause everytime I say hi or they ignore it or idk.. Why would I keep saying hi to someone who never in a year said hi to me first at leat once.. well god my english sucks rn.. The day  that boi left me well.. I cried all day and night I beti cried like 6 or 7 hours I could not calm myself down… The reason I am so much hurt is he was a sweet guy and cute and a nice person as friend but.. he left me thats why I miss him he was not a jerk… but he left me anyway.. I really never felt love irl thou guys would make fun of me they would beat me and insult me once a guy beated the shit outa my face.. I hate their sarcasm: “I bet everyone wants you” also.. I am so different person than most of the girls in here.. They’re I can say bitches that cheat on every guy dey have fuck with everyone.. hurt otheres judge insult.. I am not like that I do respect everyone but not the bitches I dont judge others by their looks i judge dem by their behavior.. I am really sick of them.. I am different person.. I cannot share my feelings easily like just tell them how I feel.. I can only express my feelings by writing and drawaing and through my creativity I can call myself an artist a person that find beauty in everything.. Not all eyes can recognize the real beauty.. Beauty is hidden and  not eveyone can see it find the beauty in everything.. After the crying all night It was firday it was morning 5 am I had to get up to catch train for school I did not want to put makeup I was so fucked up messed up i did not had will for anything I finally decided to give 2 more drawings to a teacher who saw my talent my drawings and he offered me to put some of my drawings in classroom so people can see it he said that one class admire my drawings.. damn dis english grammar etc dont judge ik im bad at it.. Anyway that day I can at school with those crying eyes and my nose wasliterally red and I I could smile I smiled because I could show my drawings to literally everyone in school so dey can meet me.. who I am.. I am an artistic soul.. They think they know me but they have no idea.. They actually know nothing about me.. If they could just let me express myself who I am trough something else no words.. Also I cannot talk about feelings on croatian language  I speak irl only english idk its just  my thing..  Today… ya its saturday and I had to go to school.. Only my school has classes on saturday its insane wasting peoples time..anyway half of the things we learn at school is pointes..  For example math when ill need all those formulas etc.. Rn i got so much to say.. But I cannot make an order so its kinda messy just like my mind… Okay sooo today i had only 5 classes and I had to wait a train 2 hours soo I went for a walk..  slow walk..alone..till I reach train station..The weather was gloomy it was beautiful to me tbh.. Its autumn all the dead leaves.. I was listening to relaxing epic music.. It felt like fairytale.. Walking so alone I was watching the nature and tried to think calm my mind.. Find beauty in everything.. After I reached train station I was so sleepy tired relaxed.. I finally came inside of train but had to wait anyway.. I saw a cute couple the girl and a guy with glasses well William had glasses so he reminded me of him the guy that left me.. I felt smt in my heart like pain… The girl and boy they were hugging and cuddling and kissing.. and I I felt kinda pressure in my chest in my heart my eyes were shining felt like I just wanna let my tears fall like a summer rain.. But i tried not to cry cause I was in train.. I just.. I felt empty inside.. my body.. my heart.. Guess its cause I never felt love but I want it so hard.. All of girls in my school already talked to a guy just like talk.. I never reall talked to a guy If we dont count fighting with them and me asnwering on their insults.. Why am I so alone.. Why did I date only well.. guess its cause I am lonely irl.. and i just wanna feel love.. See I never really liked god since lets say me and god had a fight I stopped believing in him thou.. Idk if he exist or not nobody knows that but i feel like some force do exist weather its bad or good idk.. A week ago when I  felt so lonely I asked myself why am I so lonely why everyone hate me.. And at some point I was talking to a god.. I said I just dont wana be alone Please give me someone give me anyone just not to be alone.. a week later I met will.. The guy who made me happy well yea I met him online in that stupid game.. He is a british guy I  liked it cause I’ve always wanted to move in UK Lodon or anywhere in UK i just want to be there… And when i met him I knew its not an accident.. Before I met him I was watching a show I felt lonely and something made me to get on that game and there i met him I was so thankful to a god that I met him It felt like god listened to me like he gave me soemthing saved me.. I was also so happy that I met will he was a nice guy caring.. I felt loved.. But he left me so I I was really shocked I thou I found the right person for me.. someone who will never hurt me..  I thou it was a destiny but.. He he did hurt me.. Now he is gone I wonder what he think about me or does he even think about me at all.. It was a huge faliture for me I was disappointed but yet I am a fighter a strong one.. When that happened I was aking myself and god at the same time why why why that happened what did I do wrong I asked god literally yelled in myself why did god take him from me why  god took my little hapiness I had I was happy for few days and the happiness is gone now.. I’ve always wanted a boi simillar like me.. Someone that behave cute I dont really care about the looks a cute personality makes a boi cute.. I’ve never felt hug or a kiss..never felt that beating of 2 hearts at once.. Never felt a touch never felt somones hand someones skin.. Breather the warmth of a hand.. Anythin.. but htats exactly what I wnt to feel.. I am really sensitive person and shy and People made my depression People are not born sick or with depression other people make dem depressed and sick.. Its all cause of people your around weather they respect you or not.. I have really bad expierinces with people.. I got nobody.. Why I keep saying that all the time “I am lonely” yes i am and i want the loneliness to stop forever.. Also at home my dad drinks and everything I am in a poor family.. My dad drinks he gets mad fast.. I am just scared of my mom making a wrong step or saying something what can make my dad really mad he is also able to kill since he was in war.. I cannot see future but I can feel something bad is going to happen.. Well idk what else i should say I just feel like wiriting poems or idk.. Fucked life.. Also as I Love drawing and Its basicly my hobby I want something i my future I want to be an artist.. Well there is the only one art academy in my country in main town.. Its the only one and not much ppl are accepted on academy I hope I finish high school pass the final exeam and go for my aim… What i am scared the most is that I will fail.. also years are rushing so fast I am 16 rn but as time is running ill be 20 soon.. I am just scared that I wont find my love cause its all I need i need a lover.. If i had a lover i would never cheat on him Id be a perfect person all I want is give my life to someone feel that I am alive feel that someone needs me… I dont wanna be alone forver.. Forever is a long time forver has no end….

Leave a Reply