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“The End”

I don’t know why November and December are such sad months for me. I remember between the ages of 12 and 15 I would always cry my heart out in my room for hours at the end of Christmas day because I felt I didn’t deserve all the presents my parents would have given me that day. In my early 20s I’d usually celebrate Christmas as an inpatient or having leave for Christmas but I knew I had to go back to hospital afterwards. Last Christmas was odd because my mum hadn’t long since come out of hospital after her hysterectomy and she was already having chemotherapy. I think my mum had her mini stroke the night before Christmas Eve where she was rushed to hospital and was kept in overnight. She wasn’t back till the evening on Christmas Eve.

But the beauty of getting through all those hard times I guess is that this Christmas could be different 🙂 It hasn’t happened yet so for all I know it could end up being pretty wonderful! Harry’s first trip to Mexico…and mum deserves to be with all her family again after the cancer. Plus dad will be coming with us for the first time in like five or six years or something ridiculous like that! The last few times me and my mum have gone without him because he wanted to stay home with Saskia as she was getting old. Of course September this year my mum and I went through hell to get her seen by a dogstrust vet because my dad didn’t want to let her go. He still believes she was fine, when she was suffering so much by the end. It’ll do my dad good to go to Mexico again. Our family always missed him and wished he’d come along too whenever he stayed at home with Saskia. My dad is much better in Mexico; he has a shower every day and eats proper, regular meals. He doesn’t just drink milk and pepsi forever! At the moment he reeks of pee 🙁 He hasn’t changed out of anything the past week, neither has he showered at all 🙁 Anyway, to hopes of a good Christmas, I hope Harry enjoys it 🙂

The sky is perfectly pure

Blank as a sheet of paper,

No inky clouds

No piercing sunlight

Not even a single drop of rain,

Just silence

And a white, unblemished sky-

This is how I like it.

 

The sky is perfectly clear

Bare trees standing still,

Blackened by shadow

Yet outlined in silver

Reaching towards the moon,

All there is is silence

Accompanied by a starlit sky-

This is how I love it.

 

I feel so calm and mesmerised

Gazing at the millions of stars,

It’s as if they watch over me

And ease my mind

With their wordless song of beauty,

There is only silence and me-

This is how I end it.

 

I wrote this on a December when I was younger…I think I meant it as a suicide thing at the time but looking at it now I think it could be open ended, could almost be a positive, like the end of a bad time or something. Anyway it’s rather crappy, but I do love stars 🙂 I’m a bit of a star gazer.

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