I started cryyyyiiing the other day while watching YouTube videos, and, as I was doing (or rather, monumentally fucking up) my EYE makeup while doing so, I blinked a lens of optical secretions out and MADE MY HAND TWITCH THE MASCARA WAND INTO MY ACTUAL EYE. I could literally SEE the black sticky tar ON MY EYEBALL. So naturally I panicked and went to flush it all out in the sink but not without starting to cry even harder because stuff in my eye and disastrously ugly makeup (my *suuuuper awesome makeup skillz* are about as well-honed as my ability to socially interact with other people without fucking up and getting side-eyed with that magnificent you’re a weirdo look) and sad YouTube videos and general emotional instability and life and the state of the world and death and war and–
I was literally sitting at my desk with my face wet (from tap-water, not tears)(okay, my face was also wet because of tears) sniffling and continuing to watch sad videos, all the while thinking, what the fuck are you doing. It was fun. Very relaxing. Very confusing, as life generally is. I’ve been really moody and emotional these past few days for no reason (or well, no REASONABLE reason)(that sounds weird) and I was ready to blame it on 1. the holidays 2. genetics (my dad’s side of the family isn’t so happy or even mentally stable) 3. school and 4. some as-of-yet undiagnosed mental or emotional disorder that has been fucking up me and my emotional state for the past–life–of my life. I was even looking for scientific (medical?) explanations as to why I was feeling so badly and even had a panic/anxiety/existential/all-around everything attack at school the other day for no reason which I managed to halfway convince myself happened because I have (?) bipolar disorder or something like it.
But today I woke up dying of cramps and I was like, okay, this is fine, and I realized that my monthly gift had descended upon me like some sort of FUCKING DEMON BABY FROM HELL. A demon baby that lives in my uterus. Although that doesn’t make sense because you have your period because you didn’t have a baby and your uterus basically starts trashing itself and the nursery it made without your permission as punishment BUT what I am even talking about, I’ll shut up now.
But for those of you who get grossed out by the mention of periods–
[insert meme of Kermit sipping water here]
Creepy Stalker Guy got nervous when I almost MENTIONED the fact that women have periods once. Hmm. What do you think that says about him?
Anyway. I KNEW I WASN’T A WEAK ASS BITCH. It’s just my period. Not trying to feed that stereotype of women/some men/people with uteruses becoming harpies on their periods (ALTHOUGH ACTUALLY COULD YOU BLAME US IF WE LITERALLY DID TURN INTO HARPIES AND RIPPED YOUR BALLS OFF FOR ASKING US WHY PERIODS ARE SO BAD)(because hello, I have blood coming out of my uterus while a fancy electric egg-beater from Satan’s Kitchen stirs up my guts)(also fuck you) but I feel better knowing I can blame my emotional instability on hormones and not just some potentially dangerous emotional disorder, although I probably do have one anyway, I just don’t have the time/money to seek a diagnosis or treatment, because ain’t nobody got time for that.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, the sad YouTube videos were those video lists of top ten or five or fifteen saddest moments on YouTube/cartoon shows, some of which I have never heard of in my life. I had originally been watching those scary videos about top ten most disturbing things on the deep web or top twenty scariest commercials and the like, but those made me paranoid and angry (even more so than I already am) and I stopped.
Also, I’ve been having really fucked-up dreams. Yesterday (well, more accurately, it was this morning) I dreamed that the tip of my left little finger had been sliced off, and I was looking for the severed tip on the ground and was screaming while someone took me to get it sewn back on. You can just tell how sane a person I am by the kind of dreams I have.
Tomorrow school starts again yaaayyyy. I like School: The Concept and I luuuurrrve learning but I could do without the crippling loneliness/awkwardness that is the mental equivalent of a bully kicking you in the face in front of new people and people you kind of know but want to be friends with but can’t because you’re not interesting enough and they don’t need you anyway whoops just revealed a bit too much about my insecurities. I haven’t been bullied since middle school (seriously middle school sucks. I have never heard anyone say that they enjoyed that time) unless you count last Tuesday when five kids rode past me on their bikes and shouted Hey Ching-Chong! at me, is that bullying or just good-old racism (well they’re basically the same thing anyway) and I’m leaving this shithole of a city the minute I graduate (it’s not that this place has a high crime rate or anything like that, it’s just stupidly boring and small and hot and generally UGH).
I don’t even think I’m making sense anymore (do I ever? be honest) and I’m just really out of it because crying (more crying yesterday. Slightly deranged, fangirly happy crying in the afternoon because I was watching Yuri!!! On Ice) and tiredness (I stayed up until one because I’m a dumbass) and a whole host of other stuff.
WOW I sound depressingly fucked-up. And rather incoherent.
I sound like one of those **crybaby millennials** that my dad complains about.
Anyway. I am going to go *do stuff* and cry some more. See you later and stay chill.