In that moment

Everything was perfect. The cold rain on our skin. The unabashed laughter. The freedom I felt. I hope you felt it too.

I felt sick. I knew what you were doing was wrong. I knew what they were all doing was wrong. Mami taught me it was wrong when I was much younger. I let it happen though because it had been happening for most of my life with multiple people, so why change it now?

Cruelty kissed my lips leaving me wanting in secret but never letting myself have more. On occasion I let myself lust over her only to find regret in the end. She comes to me still. I try to push her away but sometimes I feel like if I let myself indulge and have my fill then maybe she’ll leave me alone. She won’t.

It was winter. Static was in the air and everything was warm. I loved reading. Hearing the dial up tone of the internet was such a turn on I could hardly stand it. You were my best friend for many years. You taught me so much. Now I have to unlearn some of your unrealistic lessons….or maybe I need to relearn them with the new experiences I’ve had. Maybe my understanding and interpretation will be different. All I know is staying awake in the middle of the night sneaking into my parents bedroom and connecting online was wonderful. That little self discovery will be something I will remember so fondly.

The fact that you were so different from me made me so happy because you’ll be what sometime wished I could be and you’ll be accepted with so much ferocious love. I’m bittersweet about it. Honestly. I’m also jealous. You’ll have a relationship that I’ve longed for but I’ve become so distant I’m afraid I can’t have it. I fear that if I tried now there will be no point because look at me and look at some of the things I’ve done. Do you think that you’ll want anything to do with me? Don’t get me wrong I love what I’m doing, but at the same time it hurts to think that I won’t be accepted.

Seeing you so disappointed in me hurt. I don’t remember what I did but it made you lock yourself in the bathroom and cry your eyes out like I had never seen. I feel like saying sorry now would be so empty.

and in every moment we visit and talk and meet it feels like nothings changed and time hasn’t passed. It feels like we’re still as close as ever. You’re my best friend. You’re my Poosh and you’re brilliant. We can be so honest with each other. Thanks to you I’ve become more honest and because of it I can be honest with her. She’s teaching me to be even more honest in her own way. Whether she knows it or not. I hope you can meet her one day. You’d love her.

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