What’s my usual Sunday? Sundays are the day I spend doing laundry, making my food for the week, and cleaning the kitchen. I try to squeeze in as much homework as I can in the end. Sundays used to always start with a bit of yoga, but I haven’t been able to get myself to do it anymore as of late.
The pressure of grad school is consuming me. I can’t even fathom doing yoga again until this semester is over. But, I am hopeful that once finals are over that I can check out a yoga studio between my apartment and campus. I really think this is going to be a good thing for me. I want to go every day. I want that to be my goal someday. But I just can’t right now. Depression is making everything I do so much harder.
Another thing I want to do every day is write in here. I think I’ll use it as my motivation to focus on myself again. I don’t want to lose myself, and this can be a way I can find who I am again: a girl who is sick but wants to be the healthiest she can be. Emotionally, physically, intellectually, and socially. I want my relationship with my husband to turn around again. I don’t want to lose him. If I can’t find myself again, I’ll have no chance of keeping him. I need to make sure I put as much effort into keeping our relationship healthy as I do keeping myself healthy.
I heard the washing machine stop. Time to start another load. Then onto the other mundane tasks of my Sundays. Cook. Clean. Study. Get exhausted by the end. And when I’m done, I’ll report back here to keep myself accountable and make sure I did it all. It’s crazy that depression can make it so hard to do what used to come second nature. Everything takes more effort. But this is how I’m going to make sure I do it every day. I am accountable to you, now. So I will cook my meals. I will clean the kitchen when I am done. I will study biostats. And when that’s all done, I will come back here. That’s what I’ll do for me today. Because writing in here as been therapeutic for me already, and I need to make sure that I come back here before the day is over.
I can’t let myself down.