GOODNIGHT TO ALL BUT A GOOD DAY TO NONE!!!
I have written two letters so far, in which both have left me in tears. I have written them to my friend…ex-friend?…in regards to how I am feeling because of preceived (or actual) abandonment.
I have…no one to essentially talk to anymore besides my therapist, who says I am grieving the loss of a rare and good friendship. This grieving process is very difficult to deal with and makes it so that I no longer want to make friends with anyone…ever again, at least not the kind of friendship that has left me floundering. I have made the analogy that the person that I depended on is gone like a boat on the horizon. I of course then stated at the end of the letter that (because i secretly hate myself) if her old friends ever abandon her (again but I didn’t put that in the letter) that I am still here, A lonely island waiting for someone to find.
I needed this type of release in writing. I don’t have much time to enable me to write. I live with my parents who have custody of my two nephews. I help out as much as I can right now, especially with christmas. My mother had surgery about two months ago and has only just returned to work due to complications. This means that christmas for the boys is up to me. The amount of work and stress and anxiety I am going through is so difficult which makes the fact that I am also grieving for the loss of a fantastic friendship (while it lasted) twice as difficult.
I feel that I am not enough. Every friend (minus one) has used and then tossed me away. In the beginning of the friendship everything is golden. The communication bridge goes both ways, there is hanging out, and having fun. Its all good, then at some point its me communicating and attempting to set up hang out times. A little while passes and I just get tired of the only one making any effort, so I eventually stop calling/texting/emailing…so on and so forth. EVERY
I don’t understand it at all. Friendships are supposed to mean something. Its a relationship. Guaranteed its not a lovey love love relationship but still a relationship. Did I miss the memo that states that friendship is supposed to eventually fade. I just don’t get it.
The worst thing about being so beat up about the loss of my most recent friendship is that I have a group of friends…not seriously close friends, but friends…. that have that innate ability to tell when someone is hurting or something is wrong. I feel that I can’t go see these friends because I don’t want my other friends to be seen as a bad friend when they figure out all the shit I am going through. I also now that of someone asks me how I feel from that group I am going to burst into tears. and I hate crying. I really do. It is apparently good for my body, but I really can’t stand crying…maybe in private but in public, it just isn’t good.
What I want to do with the two letters I have written so far is to mail them to this friend and just call it a day…but I think I have to work up to that. I also would like some feed back from my other group of friends…just for some outside perspective…and to vent. I really need a ranting buddy. My life is just way to stressful and christmas isn’t even done…maybe after the holidays I can take a break…from my life. Go to the other side of the country to visit the only person so far that hasn’t……let me down.
Enough of my rambling.