Sickening Realization

My purpose in creating this isn’t to impress anyone. In fact it isn’t even for you..it’s for me. For a long time I have been relying on journals to collect my thoughts and it seems now I’ve lost interest in it. I have went through my life being unable to express my feelings in a healthy way and sometimes I was unable to express them at all. I have an inability to vocalize my thoughts to the people I am closest to, mostly because I fear that it will have a negative impact on my relationships with those people. 

My name is Aly, I am the mother of two children and I have a terrible job. I have no college education to speak of and would like nothing more than to be able to got to college. Unfortunately, having a terrible job and two children makes that an unattainable aspiration. I love my children,  they are the best things that have ever happened to me. They are the reason I do put up with a terrible job and likely why I do anything at all. I am 24 years old and have a 6 year old and a 4 year old girl and boy respectively. I started a family young, and though I do not regret it I wish that I would have been a little older in order to give them the life they deserve.

I have been looking for a new job these past few months, having been at my current job for over five years, I felt it was time for a change. Unfortunately, I have been unable to obtain new employment as a result of my poor people skills… Maybe that statement was incorrect or isn’t strong enough of a word to describe exactly what is wrong with me. I’ve lost my ability to relate with people in a professional manner. Being a Manager at a fueling station, I’ve never really had to. The best way to get by in retail management is by being a jerk and I’m sure many people who have worked in an environment, like the one I am accustomed to, has likely had a manager like me. I have no patience for nonsense or complaining from my coworkers and have been known to go selectively deaf. Maybe it is a result of the people I see and the things I have seen while working. I suppose it is the status the world is in that makes it hardest for me. At sixteen I believed that in general the world was full of people who had the best of intentions. I was optimistic and naive. I have seen firsthand how evil the people of the world can be.  Though the extent of their evilness doesn’t always present itself in violence, which are the key subjects of most news articles, I find the extent of their cruelty is generally manifested on themselves. After picking up heroin needles from the parking lot on a daily basis and witnessing some of the most incredibly selfish people in action, I have grown tired of it.  I have since stepped over to a new way of thinking. Rather than believing that the world is full of people who have the best of intentions I now believe that the world is full of nefarious people.  Sometimes I ask myself if I have become too judgemental or if my belief is actually a reality.

In general, I worry about what sort of world I have exposed my children to and what can I do to make sure, in spite of all the hatred and violence in the world, that they learn the value of themselves?

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