Thoughts of an indigo spirit

I have come to a point in my life where I am finally okay with letting things go. There was a time that I would let it bother me, but what sense does that really make? We all have a past where we have happy memories, and we have made some incredible mistakes. None of us have a clean past, and certainly there will be memories where we feel ashamed or disgusted with ourselves. Unfortunately, there’s no option to turn back a clock and that is something we all have to accept. To hold on so tightly to something from long ago will just eat you alive—be fond with who you are today and take the lessons of your past and transform them into a lesson for your future. Forgiveness of yourself is as well a true turning point in your life where you recognize that nothing more can be said or done.

Now that I have reached that point; I am beginning to feel a lot less like a failure and more like somebody who has reached a level of maturity and I am okay with myself. Of course there are those who may beat drums and formulate lies to best serves themselves, and that is okay, too. If I let their words get to me, then I am only running in the same spot without making any progress.

I have as well forgiven others, and the things they have done to me. There is no longer any need for holding on to so much hate, aggression or any other form of angst against those who have done me wrong in the past. I am well aware of their character and know to never trust them again or let them in. This allows me the ability to guard myself without worrying how I will be hurt next.

Getting to this point really wasn’t easy for me. It took giving chances to people who otherwise didn’t deserve it or to those who are family that believe they have a right to abuse that type of bond. As lonely or crazy as it may sound to some people, family members can be your worst enemies. They take sides or rage wars and even abuse you because they believe you may not do anything about it. When you finally do, they go out of their way to get others to help them gang up on you in mass. What good memories I do have (which are very little) I will cherish but I will as well know that the people that I used to know aren’t really who they were to begin with.

The reach the level where I am now, I had to as well accept that some people who don’t really know the true story may work against me and form opinions. If you really think about it, we all have friends we confide in. A friend will always believe you are being honest with them and will become blind to the other part of the story and mostly because they feel they are being told the truth. Back in high school, all of us are guilty of lying about something or someone at one point or another, and think about how many of the friends in that circle believed the lie. The same rule applies to the rest of our adult lives. What makes me the better person is knowing absolutely that, and refraining from putting my own friends in a position where I am placing them against someone else. It’s utterly ridiculous as I believe we all deserve to learn someone for ourselves and not base our judgments on hearsay. It can also be said that two certain people may not work together. Maybe they work with someone else better whom they are more compatible with and therefore do not deserve judgment or assumptions placed on them. Let it go … it really isn’t worth it.

What I have thought about the most since moving on is the act of judgment. In my last mod, I had a philosopher as a professor and he made the class think about just that, judgment. He asked us to think about when we go to WalMart; do we look at the other shoppers and in our heads form some sort of judgment on them based on how they’re dressed? I have to be real honest, I have never once judged someone by their attire. I personally wear whatever is comfortable and do not go out of my way to dress a specific way because the bulk of society would want me to.

Judgment can become a very ugly thing. Who is anyone to judge somebody else? Like I already mentioned; we all have things in our past, some good and some bad. No one person among us is perfect or even normal (whatever normal actually is.) If you randomly ask any people pleaser, he or she will tell you how depressed they are because among their circle, someone will find something bad about them because that is what people do. They scrutinize and label everything while judging someone;s character. You could be the nicest most kind hearted person in society and there will be somebody out there who will hate you for it. The recent presidential debates are a great example of how people can become. If you voted for Hillary, the Trump supporters would judge you and vice versa. God forbid you’re free to think and make your own choice without someone out there pointing a finger.

There was a small amount of time I learned Christianity. Honestly, I really didn’t know what to expect, but I told myself that whatever opinion I form will be based by the group’s pastor and not the entirety of the religion itself. Each church or group of believers have a preacher or a pastor who leads them based on his or her perception of the faith. From the place I attended, I learned that they saw me through the judgment lenses because I read Angel Oracle cards on myself. They as well worked at trying to convince me that LGBT is sin incarnate, and that some of my beliefs came from the devil. I’m thankful that I was open-minded enough to understand that this was their opinions only because their pastor was uncomfortable with those specific areas of humanity. After I understood that I was wasting time in this specific congregation, I picked up the bible myself and came to the conclusion that I do believe there is a creator but he isn’t going to send me to hell because I use Oracle cards which are messages from angels. Christianity in bulk really seems to have a dark cloud around it based on many individual experiences with various congregations and in fairness, it’s easy to see why even I think it becomes a form of brainwashing. Am I judging here? A little bit, yes. Not because I want to down-talk the Christian faith, but because I saw for myself that the congregation is led by one person’s perceptions of the faith. So my point with this is that there is a huge difference between unfair judgment based on something such as looks or attire versus personal judgment based on first-hand experience.

Being a human with emotions can be hard, but we are all trying the best that we can and we shouldn’t ever look down on others. It simply isn’t our place to do so. People look down on themselves enough in silence within their own thoughts. Life shouldn’t be this constant battle where others make us feel so little of ourselves. It should be about happiness, living life, and doing the best we can for ourselves and our children (if you have any.)

2 thoughts on “Thoughts of an indigo spirit”

  1. You have gained a lot of maturity and truth. One of the most famous quotes from the Bible is “Judge not, that you be not judged.” And we must not judge ourselves either, we are all human. I admire very much the things you have written here. I hope you will give Christianity a second chance. You ran into a lot of theology. Really, it is about having a relationship with Jesus and believing in His love for you. Accepting His gift of grace. Be careful of any other religion or concept that doesn’t center on His goodness and grace. His love. I wish I could send you a copy of my book. It talks about this very thing. Know God loves you and that is a perfectly good reason why you should love yourself and be kind to yourself and others. Again, I enjoyed your very insightful journal entry. God bless. Hugs!

  2. @ savedbygrace: I have not given up on Christianity what so ever, just on congregations who kind of become closed minded so to speak. I definitely speak to Jesus nightly in my prayers and I haven’t lost any of my faith what so ever. Just because that specific congregation didn’t want to work more on Jesus doesn’t mean I feel the whole of Christianity is the same. I stay strong in knowing that and often read the bible when it calls to me. God bless to you, too!

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