I have been on an emotional roller coaster today. My mum has cried badly twice today. She sobbed her heart out to my dad this morning and cried hysterically to my sister over the phone this evening. To cope I’ve just been with Harry the entire day. My mum isn’t just upset about how Will aggressively shouted at her down the phone, I learnt she went to see her GP to get the report from her that’s needed for my mums’ current work in order for her to retire through ill health…and the GP said she hadn’t written it yet because she hasn’t been paid yet. Apparently the GP spoke angrily with my mum too so now she feels everyone is against her now 🙁 When she was hysterically crying to my sister on the phone, she said that her nurse said she was suffering delayed effects of the chemotherapy and radiotherapy, that it can happen like that, you can feel more or less ok at the time but it can hit you much much later. My mum also revealed to my sister that she has been living on diazepam, that that’s the only way she can cope. Diazepam is the next thing down from Lorazepam. I always feel weird when I hear people talking about benzodiazepines. It makes me feel weird to know there is diazepam here in this house…the first thought I admit when I heard my mum talk about the diazepams was I wonder where they are. I’m trying to tell myself that’s just an old habit kicking in and I don’t really mean it.
I actually felt suicidal this morning. To be honest…I’m finding it hard to cope 🙁 My dad has been severely mentally ill since I was 12 years old, maybe since I was 10 or 11 really because that’s when he became obsessed about losing weight…and now my mum has had cancer and it seems maybe she’s not well mentally anymore either. I’m obviously not well, I do have Borderline Personality Disorder and severe depression and I’m scared of that. I am not blaming either of my parents because each of them have taken such fucking shit for me that there’s probably nothing I could ever do to repay them for it. Well actually maybe there is…if I was ok in the end they’d feel it was worth it. Sigh, there we go I’ve worked it out. This is why journals are good…my mind works far faster than it is able to cope with and that’s why I find writing so helpful. It slows and untangles things enough for me to find some kind of way forward or some kind of hope. And I just found it in that sentence.
Both my parents have really taken such shit for me and I didn’t even deserve for them to do that. But they did it because they are good people. Oh I’ve really come close to suicide, serious self harm, minor self harm, and ordering lorazepam and zopiclone over the internet today. But by not doing any of those things is what I owe my parents for all the shit they’ve taken for me going through my insanity. The biggest reason I know is I owe it to my son to never go back to those things…but also I don’t want what my parents have gone through for me to be all in vain. I’m just feeling alone. The only people I have to turn to are my parents and they are both so ill. Because my mum has been so upset today I think my dad took too much medication. He didn’t even lock up the house…luckily I noticed and did that.
Gosh wouldn’t I love my mums entire diazepam prescription or my dads entire zopiclone prescription right now…but no, I can’t and I wouldn’t. It’s just so hard. I am so alone, really I am. It’s amazing Harry is still ok in all of this. I get really upset when Will says things are easy for me because I have Harry all the time…no it isn’t…it’s hard bringing him up in all the problems my family has…my mum was diagnosed with cancer when Harry was only three months old. I worried so much and still do that he’d start showing signs of being affected by all this but thankfully every time he sees a health visitor they have nothing but praise, their concerns are always at 0 for him.
I am talking absolute crap right now. I notice that I never swear usually but seem to do so when I’m having an awful time, so I’m sorry. I have bought savedbygrace’s book and it arrived from Amazon a few days ago and I am going to start reading it…I was going to save it for my holiday in Mexico but I am having a terrible time so I’ll start reading it in the nights. And as with the problem with Will and his family I haven’t got a bloody clue what to do. I’ll go back to letting them have Harry on his own again when I come back from Mexico. I’ve decided to meet them in a neutral place this weekend coming so no arguments can start. It’s mine and Wills’ bloody faults, we shouldn’t get our mother’s to say anything, Harry is OUR child and we have to act like bloody grown ups and talk to each other, not through our mothers. Ok yeah my mum is my named carer and as my illness is to do with how I interact with others she is allowed to speak on my behalf but I can do this, I have been trying to get better for Harry and I CAN do this for goodness sakes. I CAN over ride this f**** BPD shit and cope with others by myself. I will sort this for Harry’s sake. There are just matters of trust that is all. His family and I are strangers and therefore we need to realise both families are different and do things in different ways. Not once has Will simply said “ok I’ll let you know whenever we are planning to take Harry out” or “we’ll make a special effort to make our house completely safe for Harry” neither has he said he’ll make a personal apology to my mum after yelling aggressively at her down the phone and making her shocked and frightened and in tears.