The Cycle….

It seems that I am berated by her about every 3 days.

It happened again today.

She asked what I wanted for Christmas and I told her just some underwear and socks. I tend to buy my self gifts year round, so I do not want for much. Materially I am rather happy sine I have models and trains, guns, all sorts of toys. For a period I was buying toys from my childhood in an attempt to regain something lost in the living Hell of my childhood.

I guess this is all a part of my PTSD. 

And of course when I am pain free I am very hyper, that is the ADD kicking in. If I hurt my brain is filled with a thousand screams of pain from all over my body, so I appear sedate when all I am really thinking about is how bad I hurt, or the burning of the nerve pain, or the numbness.

Any way…

So today she is texting me wanting to know what brand and style of underwear I want, I was on the road and unable to answer her texting. I had told her earlier I would come home and she could take my clothes off to look, I thought that was a sweet sentiment, but all I got was a text of how she had been trying for months to do that.

Yes we have not done that is a long while, but I find romance when someone is in the pain she has been rather distressing, plus there was the walking boot she wore to bed and then the casts, just not right I think.

So needless to say that hurt.

I get home from work in a grand mood, happy, whistling Christmas Carols, I felt good. I had taken my meds and the pain was gone so I was walking on air.

I put my stuff away and talk to her Mom, then she lights into me about how she has to get this order done as it is Cyber Monday. The time was 4:15pm and I told her there was plenty of time left in the day to complete her order.

But the yelling and rage just flowed more and more from her mouth.

I came downstairs and sat holding my head and crying, when her Mom walked in and apologized saying she had no right yelling at me and being mad.

But that did not ease the pain.

I felt like that little kid again and my mother screaming at me. This is the skeleton in my closet that I cannot keep sealed away.

We had a great few days and she has returned to taking out her rage on me, just like my mother did when she was mad at my Dad.

So I again shall fall asleep tonight praying that our Lord will be a loving and understanding God and allow me to come home tonight. I have returned to praying for death each night.

I want peace, I want the rage to stop. I want to feel like I belong again, instead of the feeling of being in the way.

I am trying to thin down stuff, my junk. Tomorrow I am giving a large bag of Harley T-Shirts to a guy at work. And I am giving him the leather vest I got her, since she detested it so grandly when I presented it to her. I know he will like it and appreciate it.

When I am down like this I cannot get anything done. I have dirty dishes and clothes washed and dried that need folding and put away. I should vacuum but don’t care. I had great hopes of after New Years redecorating the family room with new furniture, but now I can care less.

I just want peace…

Oh death come for me I pray.

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