It’s been a while….

Hey there, everyone. It’s late over where I am, but truly nothing compared to what the GMT tells me. For some of you, it’s already tomorrow. It’s already late in the day that has already passed. Tell me about it, would you? What’s it like in the future? What’s it like to look at yourself in the mirror as realize that you’re contributing to society in whichever way has been deemed malleable and feasible and doable by human standards? And even by those that are daring to do and go beyond what is indeed humanly possible for right now, how are you doing it? 

My own challenge of going beyond what normal humans should do lies within my own inherent polyamory. I’ve been intrigued by it, but never had the context to truly try it. Intellectually, I understand the concept: no one person can satisfy all the needs of one particular person. Villages were formed on the concept that everyone pitches in together, whether to raise a child or maintain the camp itself. Wouldn’t it be simply silly to tell one person they are responsible for all of that? 

It’s a similar concept. I get it. It would be unreasonable to expect one particular person to fulfill every single need of mine. I am a complex person with variable needs and wants throughout life. As being someone who is attracted to any odd number of people of different creeds, colors, prides, and what have you, I am unlimited in my options on that front. I like what I like. Put it as simply as that, and there is nothing I can do to change that. 

But then the hypocrite rears its ugly head. How would you feel if your SO went out with another? 
This question has been plaguing me since a dream I had about the man I’m currently seeing. We were invited to an orgy of sorts, and then some girl I don’t even know starts to make out with him in front of me. 
Let me say that I don’t mind if anyone looks at him. Hell, I find it flattering. And normally, I have played and liked the idea of — way later on like years from now — kind of “pawning” him off on someone else. All fully consensual no worries. But in this dream, I was quite distraught. I felt as though I was left out, being passed for something else… that my current dreads were manifesting themselves right before my own eyes. Hell, this was my idea. I don’t have a right to be upset about this issue. But as I break it down further, maybe it was because I didn’t personally know the woman that had seized his own amorous gaze. I had not known who she was, and I did not call her a friend as of yet. I would be alright with my friends and sharing like that, but with someone I don’t know? I’m not terribly sure about that. 
But that dream has been on my mind since it happened. Does this mean I have to look at my own morals and values to reevaluate my own polyamorous pursuits? I thought that was likely the case. So I delved into myself, and thought I am not as secure as I would think I am. I am still quite insecure, unsure, and unconfident of myself. And I want to get into a new relationship like this? I feel as though I am stepping into a formal wedding with jeans and a tshirt on. I told myself I would not be allowed to go to the ball unless I had my own suit made…. and I still deem it unfinished, unrefined, and undistinguished. My suit has all these flaps, and the stitching’s not right, and oh heavens look at these pants that have a crease in them! 
So many things still wrong with this suit and someone still wants to go with me looking so drab? 
I’m flattered, but I believe you’re confused, my good sir…. No, I can’t possibly be your date…. Well, take a look at this heinous suit — …. Really? But what about all these fringes and –… I’m imaging it?! My dear, have you looked closely enough at this dreadful attire? I can’t go in with someone looking so… bright as yourself, sir….. Oh c’mon, you look dazzling! Brighter than the evening star…. I would simply be a vagrant compared to you, I mean, unless that’s what you’re looking for….. No, no, I can hardly dance…. You still… would like to walk with me? Enter the great hall itself — with me?? Are you sure?! I haven’t prepared enough —

Just a small sample. I can keep it going, really, but the heart of the manner is that even though I am a fan of the idea, I still have to wrestle the issue of not being secure within my own faults to not expect myself to do and be everything for any lover that comes across my path. Unctuous as they may be, my flaws. I have played the part of perfection and prevented anyone from getting terribly close enough to realize I’m a person. Adoration at its finest. But now… behold, I am the one adoring. 
And fear that the more I fear, the more anxious I become the more likely my fears will manifest and I will be left alone again. What if all this will be for naught —
And there I go again on the what ifs, the maybes… the hopes of being prepared for an unnatural disaster. I have calculated every risk to ensure survival, but now I am being passed the bungee cord. I have checked everything I could check to ensure I don’t die… but I still very well could. The bridge is high… the rocks are sharp…. I know I must jump if I want to proceed, but how when at every turn I see nothing but destruction and my own death? Dare I turn back now, while I still can take a different direction, or do I jump….? 

I.

Must. 

Jump. 

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