Stupid Girl

I have had this strange talent of a built in warning system since I was 5 years old. I would dream something and within weeks or so, it would become true. It’s really kind of scary at times because I will dream of something about someone such as events involving my significant other and I don’t want to believe it. Of course, like any common human who has dreams, some of the dreams are redundant blips of nonsense kind of lapped together in a surrealistic kind of fashion.

Before I go further, I kind of got that extra shove from a fellow journalist who goes by megawatt (thank you deeply sir, you remind me this is severely anonymous so holding back is denying myself.) I left an abusive relationship where I was isolated, gaslighted, and physically abused so these actions have left a mark on my psychology. I was raped, burned, belittled, bullied, kicked down and treated like property instead of a person. It’s obviously behind me now and I have learned to forgive and let go but for everyone to better understand what I am talking about, they must first understand what I have survived and since surpassed. Maybe in future entries I will bring out certain situations as they pertain to a current problem I may be facing but for the sake of being understood, I wanted to bring my truth to light. That dark past was as well the driving force for me to use what was once known as Open Diary and I hate to admit it, but the ability to write anonymously in that diary saved me in a lot of ways. It took me out of the situation as well as allowed me to talk with people outside of that house; something that I wasn’t able to do any other way. It was 24/7 of those same walls and the same pain without relief. Above all; I am thankful to have since left that situation and moved on.

Back to the dreams: Several years ago, I began to have recurrent dreams of the same person and circumstance and what happened from that was the dreams were warning me of something to come that would hurt me. In the moment of that time period, I didn’t know what to think but I kept a journal of every dream I could recall only to reveal the harm and the person doing it.

Now let me tell you a little bit about my current situation and my significant other. We’ve lived together for over a year by now. Around the house are photographs of his former girlfriend and her son. Also, there are valentine’s balloons and other bric-a-brac that lovers give another to show their love. At very first I said and thought nothing of it. I was the newcomer so to speak so I just figured that he was into hanging on to these items for sentimental value. To let you know I am not the jealous or petty type, I would never even mention these items but I am doing so because of this: he continues to tell me I am the only one and he is 100% devoted to me and these words are lovely but the house is a shrine to his former love. The stories are as well. He tells me all these stories about how great she was and the things he’s done for her, and it is wonderful I am just a friend listening. But here I am with my life on hold in what I thought to be a partnership with this man who lives in a shrine of his former love.

The most recent story was about the gifts he would buy her such as jackets and how she wouldn’t wear them. Though I didn’t show it, I sat there heartbroken and crushed because nobody has ever done that for me, including him. I don;t really care about clothing and belongings; I am the type of person who is happy as long as I have food and shelter. The rest is just stuff. So, for me it isn’t the stuff that bothered me, it was the romantic gesture of it. It was me sat there thinking that all I ever wanted was one person on this earth to love me enough to really show it. Bringing home a gift of any kind is a romantic gesture even if it was just worth 1 dollar. It shows the thought was there. Actually, I’d be happy with a gift he made even; again, it’s the romantic gesture of it. Hearing about his romantic feats with his former lover is just a gigantic slap in the face. I tried to be reasonable and understanding but it is truly getting to me.

Now the recent dreams began with him from the beginning of this relationship. They contain situations where his former lover and him meet up and he shoves me away and acts like the connection is reunited. The dreams have taken on forms of different places and different situations but they have all been about her and him. My rational conscious is calling me a stupid bitch for not taking the warnings seriously. I’ve gotten by all this time by telling myself that it is just the fear from the past coming out. I have to be honest here; I have gone through therapy and years of counseling and reaching out and I have gotten over the past. There is always that little bit that exists there, but I have worked on myself for years with overcoming the past abuse from my old relationship.

My abusive ex was a huge cheater, and he lied about everything. I stopped caring long ago and kind of existed when I was with him. It helped me to really see the monster for what it was and as well get me out of bad thinking.

This what I am going through now is telling me that I am living in someone’s shadow. He may not ever come out and admit it but it’s painted all over this house and his own stories of her that he wants that life back. This big part of me is close to just walking out and leaving him a note stating just as much but the foolish part of me loves him way too much to walk out. So now, am I setting myself up to fall? My dreams are screaming at me with this nightly scenarios and I am not talking once a week, I am talking nightly. I have been fighting sleep to avoid seeing it repeat itself over and over again.

At least this time when I do fall (and I will fall hard) I can only blame myself because I have been ignoring all the warnings.

I hate love.

2 thoughts on “Stupid Girl”

  1. I cried during reading your post, because remembered that felt the same pain, and went through a similar situation. I did not asked for anything from him, and he did nothing for me, he constantly talked about his ex, what she liked and what is not, about their relationship, but inside me at that moment was screaming a silent scream, wich wanted shut up him and to cease hurt me, but I could not even ask him to shut up, something was holding me. Later, I understood that it was the fear, that if I give my opinion, I will not be loved by him and somebody else in a whole. This was my first man, 1,5 year I waste with him, after him, I survived a some phobias about ex-girlfriends, I unconsciously waited in the current relationship, that his former is better than me, that he wanted her and early or later will throw me 🙁 . The second guy too disgusting behaved towards me, mentally humiliated, I felt worthless, stupid, and even believed it. After more than three years, I found the strength to send him. Uffffs….
    Then I fell in love with another, thought it a great love, but he also proved, that he such, who do not want to do anything for me. One year and four months we lived together and all this time I earned money, but he did not, all this time he was “looking” a job, twice he found something temporary, but the benefit and real help for me and us it is not brought, I planted on my shoulders the terrible egoist, he was doing nothing even at home. It was a terrible disappointment … I threw him too. I became to be often illnes, a lot of smoked, sometimes drank and crying, I did not felt myself feminine, sexy, I was wiped out … and did not wanted anything. It was a terrible period. But all that shit made me realize that I made it myself. That was my choices, my decisions. I did them, because I did not loved myself and was very suggestible person. Now, I trying to look for something that I like, what I’m interested in this life, I’m looking for something that will please me. I realized, that we are not should never love others stronger than us. I hope my story will help you …

  2. Dear Alice_les;

    Your story not only helps me, but it reminds me that I am not alone, and/or inferior to the situation in itself. I guess there are those of us who are romantic dreamers who want that ultimate love that we’ve grown up reading in poetry and stories. I keep hanging on to faith and telling myself that this guy isn’t in fact romanticizing the past even though everything points right to it. If and when I do uncover just that, I will fall having known that I didn’t give up and I have tried out of deep passionate love for him. I will hide someplace alone and give up on love altogether and live out my years as the destitute artist that I am. There won’t be any shame in this because I will go out knowing I did try.

    Big loving hugs to you.

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