This is what I was going to say in the AA meeting I missed tonight

I ended my relationship with alcohol 6 days ago, it has been quite emotional. The first couple of days I kept bursting into tears I felt like I was coming out of a bad long term relationship. I knew mine and alcohols relationship was harmful but I just couldn’t imagine my life without it. I still can’t!

For years I have used alcohol as a comfort blanket to numb my feelings, to put me in a place where I work on auto pilot and don’t have to use my brain to think.

Once I had one drink it was as though a switch had been pulled in my brain and I would need drink after drink. I drank myself into black out almost every time I drank. Cider and wine were my light drinks which I drank at home alone or during the day, and I loved those little cans of gin and tonic because I could get away with drinking them anywhere without getting funny looks! I would even fall asleep with them next to me instead of a glass of water.

On the weekend Saturday morning after a Friday night bender I would drink gin for breakfast and thought it was acceptable because it was the weekend. I would often go out on a Friday and return back home to my student halls on a Monday wearing what I went out in on a Friday night, and didn’t think I had an issue I thought I was funny!

It’s really easy for me to slip back into my old ways as I still sometimes don’t believe I’m an alcoholic. Like a friend today messaged me saying he was home for Christmas and I replied that I had given up drinking and he laughed and said why are you even bothering you will never give up.

He wasn’t saying it out of malice, everyone knows how much I like a good old drink. They see me as the crazy out of control drunk and think that my weird irrational behaviour when I’m in blackout is just my personality that I’m actually having a blast. They have no idea what happens behind closed doors the number of times I have sat drinking alone, how I have drank myself into panic attacks, almost burnt houses down attempting to cook… i once tried to boil my electric plastic kettle on the oven hob, I’ve tried to microwave a pizza in its box and once tried to cook my friends cardigan in the oven.

Today my aunty came down to visit me and handed me a bottle of Prosecco as a gift, she has no idea of my issues with alcohol so i thanked her and as soon as she left I ran to reception in a panic and handed it in as an early Christmas present.

I already had thoughts going through my head of how it would go really nicely with the orange juice in my fridge, and that wouldn’t really count as an alcoholic drink.

I need to constantly keep reminding myself that I do have a problem with alcohol. I may have been in the early stages but if I carry on my life will quickly get worse, the week I decided to get sober I wasted 3 days in bed after serious benders feeling suicidal and too depressed to function.

I am currently in my final stage of doing a masters, so far I have only been scraping through as alcohol has been my priority over my studies. I’m in a very fortunate position and need to make sure that alcohol doesn’t take this opportunity away from me.

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