I’m not 100% sure what I’m doing here. I think I want to tell people about everything — tell you all of the raw, deep, naked truths about life and myself that I can’t tell anyone else. It’s weird that I can tell complete strangers on the internet the things I hide in my heart, but not my family or even my friends. Is it the judgement I’m afraid of? Or have I tried so long and so hard to be the perfect person for everyone that I can’t risk ruining that? I don’t even know.

But I’m here. It’s almost midnight — and I’m here. December 1st. I want this to be the beginning of the end. Come January I’ll be going to college, being someone different. And maybe it’s too far to hope for a transformative, Cinderella moment when I go to college — maybe it’s too much. But life has been changing lately, and my young heart is freshly tangled from all of it.

I’m 18, by the way. A fresh-baked adult. Or so people call me. But to be honest, I don’t feel like an adult. I feel like somewhere I have made a mistake and I’m just waiting for someone to catch me and say, “What are you doing? You’re not ready for this adult thing.” It’s like I’m pretending to be mature, when really, I’m struggling to make it through without wanting to run away.

But people don’t admit that. So I’m 18. And adult. And I like to write. And I like cats and I cry when I think about life and I laugh a lot and I am in love, deeply deeply in love with someone I can’t have. It’s been four years now and I still love him.

Well, maybe I can have him. It’s no Romeo and Juliet love story. It’s just that he likes someone else — my friend.

And it’s funny he makes it into this because he makes it into every thought.

And I love my family, but sometimes I don’t like them, and I give people everything and I wish I was closer to God and I’m just a girl. A silly girl who can admit that.

Goodbye, now. I’m going to get my ID tomorrow, and we must wake early to beat the lines. Perhaps this will be the start of something new. (I’m also a HSM fan, don’t sue me.) Perhaps this will be lovely.

– H

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