No Shame – Confessions of a 10th Grader’s Journal

So back when I was 16 in 10th grade, my English teacher created this assignment that everyone in the class had to write at least one journal entry page a day, not including weekends. She would collect and skim over the different entries at the end of every 2 weeks, so you had to have at least 10 pages ready every submission.

This is what first got me started on writing journal entries. I’ve been doing it for years since then. Some of these entries are extremely personal, and I knew that the teacher would be reading them, yet for some reason I was comfortable turning them in.

I have very mixed emotions regarding how I thought back then, I look back on the entries and sometimes feel shame, sometimes feel pride, it’s a mix. I’m just seeing that my writing style is similar to how I write today, it was just less refined and more spontaneous.


Bullying event:

It became Thursday and during my first period class, some kids picked on me. They called me retarded, ugly, and other stuff. For no reason, actually they were jealous and it was obvious. There’s no reason to hate me, I usually get along with everyone. Not with these guys though, I had an A in the class, they had Fs, I was actually good looking and they weren’t so much. So they kept making fun of me for what seemed like no reason, however, I do not know who these people are other than the fact that they are in my class and talk a lot in the back row about really stupid things.

So they kept making fun of me, ganging up on me and I stayed silent, however they were relentless and kept on insulting me. After the bell rang, we left and I didn’t think about it until 3rd period. I started crying but I tried to hide it, so no one bothered me. A lot of people knew I started crying and were whispering, but I hid my face in a book to let them know I can handle it. I don’t know why I started crying, it wasn’t for me, no, it was because I felt sorry for them. How pathetic to pick on someone defenseless and wasn’t fighting back.

I could have definitely beaten them. I would have just yelled out something to get the classes attention which would have made them leave me alone. I didn’t however since I couldn’t think with all their insults flying at me. That 3rd period day for me was ruined, I didn’t learn anything during 3rd period. So after that, I went to 5th period and the first thing I did was report them to my counselor. Their names are X, X2 and X3. I don’t know who these guys are. I’ve talked to them maybe once or twice and they still insulted me even though they never knew me. I am pretty sure they got into big trouble for doing what they did. Calling another student a retard is not acceptable behavior.

The previous event and this next one occurred on the same day. There are a few paragraphs of fluff in between about classes and tests that I skipped.


First Date?:

I feel so much better now. I need to feel unstoppable, like how a kid feels. I need to feel invincible. Because I am, and everyone who has that attitude is too. So anyway, I called Person’s Name yesterday and scheduled for her to wait for me after the bell rang. According to the dictionary, that is a date. I’m not going to say that was my first date although I’ll say I’ve had one. So she did that, agreed to stay after the bell rang and she did. She had her 2 friends with her when the bell rang and then I approached her to talk to her like we scheduled.

We did that and walked around the hallway, taking the long way to the lockers. Maybe I power walked, but it was not after I got home and thought about it that she struggled to keep up I think. She did fall down while we were going up the stairs. It was a pretty normal conversation, I talked to her like I was trying to make a new friend and I couldn’t bring myself to smile. I had to force myself to smile.

That wasn’t good, the thing I noticed was that she kept asking if that’s all I called her out to do. When she asked me that, I would just say, no way, and ask her some other question. Nothing personal. I felt different at the time because of what happened in 1st period. So we eventually split up in the hallway when I wanted to go one way and she wanted to go another. I went out my way and she hesitated to go to my path too but I gave her a wave and she went her own way.

Just the way this is voiced sounds so immature… Ahh, can’t believe that was what happened. No regrets there even though it was extremely awkward, I cringe a little though 🙂



Something else that happened that was sort of interesting was that I found a small puppy with a collar near the retirement home. So it was this small puppy, it was wet, it was poor, it was sad. So it was hungry, injured and all messy. It was about the size of my shoe, it was really small I felt that my entire foot could crush it. So I said “Come follow me.” And he didn’t follow.

So I was like, screw that, and walked away. His one leg was injured and he was limping wherever he went. Obviously a stray dog, but I didn’t care and I asked the people in the building about it, they didn’t care. They’re too old and grumpy to care about life. Well, that’s true, that dog’s life doesn’t matter in the real world, so there’s no point in caring. But neither does my life matter or his, so who cares.

The puppy has most likely passed away by today… I really don’t know why I had these kinds of thoughts at the time, especially relating to a puppy. It’s so abnormal, right?


Sleeping in class for a final exam:

Okay, so enough about the day when I made it to class on time. I made it to school late today because I woke up late as hell and tired as hell. I was so tired and my parents were screaming the whole time that I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it. So I make it to class late and I think the teacher excused me, I was only about 5 seconds late today and I was tired as hell.

So Spanish class is the class I despise the most. It’s so easy for me because a lot of my Spanish friends speak only Spanish to me that I know it so well. So I despise it because the people in it make me fall asleep. I sit next to the two quietest people on the planet. You try to make jokes and they’ll just be like haha for one second and the conversation ends, just like that. Dang it!

So, knowing how boring that class is, I just quickly did what I always did, fall asleep. I fell asleep in that cslass for 45 minutes and no one bothered me. When I woke up, it was test time, the teacher was like, “alright guys I am going to pass out the tests now… here are the instructions, blah blah blah.” Then when he gave us the test, it was a writing test, he said we had one hour to finish it. I couldn’t help it, I fell asleep for the first 30 minutes of the test.

When I woke up, the people next to me have just barely started writing. I quickly started writing that thing and finished about 5 minutes before time was up. I think I aced that test, it was easy as pie! How easy was it? I literally wrote the whole thing without spending a second to think. It was just that easy. Of course I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t ace it, I didn’t try on it.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that was my final exam for Spanish. I don’t know why, I just didn’t find it important. I converse with people in Spanish all the time, well, only when Spanish people are around. I speak Spanish better than anyone in the class except for the teacher, and most likely the other kids, even the ones with straight A’s in the class, will never be able to speak Spanish as well as me, even though they actually study for that class.

Well, I don’t care about that class, it’s useless to me, I already know Spanish and that class is the class I would go to if I wanted to forget how to speak Spanish, the way the class runs is just so boring, it would make anyone think Spanish is boring.

I don’t remember any time when I fell asleep during any of my classes. I don’t remember a majority of the events I wrote about in 10th grade.

Also I was bragging pretty hard about being able to speak Spanish and the class being easy. It was mainly because I did talk to a lot of Spanish speaking people who only spoke in Spanish to me. I remembered sitting next to a Spanish person on the bus and we’d talk every morning in Spanish. I don’t remember how to speak Spanish now, I can obviously understand a little bit and communicate in it a little bit, but I’m nowhere as proficient as I was.


Computer “Genius”:

Some miscellaneous stuff that happened in the class was on Monday, the kids asked me to do my SGA rap. I did it for them confidently, which was the first time I’ve done it when someone asked me. Today, I played a computer game on the computer in Spanish without being caught. Usually he tells us to stop playing games, but I played and disguised it like I was typing something on Word. Some girls were joking at that, but I was too tired to care.

The girls in that class call me a computer genius, it was because I taught them some stuff on it. Like how to get on Facebook while in school and change the default computer background. Haha, it’s fun to be complimented, yet I hate to brag. That’s what it feels like right now, like I am bragging about this stuff. Maybe I am.

Oh yeah, I think that was back when most people didn’t have a smartphone yet, so we had to use the actual computers to get onto sites like Facebook. I didn’t get my first smartphone until I was 18 in 12th grade.



How I became the most popular kid in school:

Oh yeah, something else that I really wanted to write about really badly but I never did for some reason. It was the feeling I got on the day that I had to make my SGA speech.

            This is the best personal story I am going to tell since I wrote history with this speech. Because it’s so good, I am going to start from the very beginning, focusing on some key points. So it was in April 22nd or around that time, that I started hanging posters of my campaign. The reason why was because I thought that was the date I would be giving out my speech. That’s the day I thought the speech was due, so the night before, I started thinking about speech ideas. It came to me quite easily, rap a speech. It was such a brilliant idea that I never forgot it even when I woke up. Usually ingenious ideas such as these go away when you wake up in the morning and you try and recall what it was, but you don’t remember. But for some reason, this idea stuck.

            I didn’t start writing the speech immediately, I made the posters first. After the posters, then came my speech. I had about five minutes to write it, so I came up with the most random things I could. First was that I was going to assume that everyone in the theater was bored and they needed entertainment. Second thing was that I was going to have the speech memorized, and bring up a blank piece of paper on the stage. I included this in my speech of course, writing down that I would say        that all I brought on stage was a blank piece of paper. It’s part of the speech, it wasn’t improvised. It was written, not made up on the spot. The next thing after that, was that I was going to thank the academy, then start my rap. I was going to lower the mic and then do the beat on the pedestal while rapping. The thing is, I was not quite sure if the pedestal could support a beat, I mean, if it was hollow or not. I wanted to know ahead of time whether it was hollow or not or else I would have to have had tapped the beat with my stomping.

            After planning all that out in five minutes, I was in a rush, I printed out a really badly written speech and the bell rang. I headed into the sub school office to get my posters approved. I didn’t want to turn in the speech until after the coach knew that I was a candidate. So I gave her the posters and went to my next class. She told me to just leave them at her desk, so that’s what I did. I came back after school when the school was empty and started placing the posters at the most obscure spots. It was literally an easter egg hunt with those posters. You had to try to find them, and there were 3 versions of it. One said, “Need a leg? Vote for Megg!” Some freshmen standing outside of Mr. X’s class were looking at it and talking about it. I heard “That’s clever as hell, but no one’s gonna see it.” I smiled and walked back into the class after that, of course they wouldn’t know it was me. Megg is a girl’s name and I do not look like a girl!

            So I eventually ended up asking if I could go into the theater so I could prepare for my speech better. They said sure, when’s your speech? I said tomorrow, and they said, are you running for SGA or SGA class council? I said class council. Then she said that class council speeches weren’t until May 17th. Woo, that was a long time from then. I felt relieved, I also thought in my head “alright, you gotta get a girlfriend before May 17th,” as I walked out of the room.

            So time passed, eventually it was the day right before the speech. Well, it was a Friday. So I wrote the speech in my 5th period class, in like 5 minutes again. Actually, it might have been way less than that. I remember being stressed out about finishing all my activities already so I could get started writing the new speech. I felt like I had to make a new speech because the old one sucked. This one however, it was brilliant. I made no revisions to it after it was written. I emailed it to myself and got it approved the same day. She asked me to change a few things, but I told her that I would. I actually never made any changes to it, it was because it was originally brilliant.

            So here comes the day of the election and I am in a class with 3 candidates. My 2nd period class is chemistry and my two friends, X and X2 both are wishing me good luck, neither of them thinking I was gonna win. People are crowded around this one kid named Person’s Name as he was writing his speech on a notecard. I read his speech and that’s when I got scared. This guy has an improved speech too, what if he decided to rap on the stage as well? They kept on talking and eventually they got to the part where they found out that I was running for election. This kid named X said “Megg, you’re not gonna win….” He whispered the last part because no one talks to me like that. He said my name loudly and then drifted off into nothing. I said “We’ll see about that!” Not confidently either, because I wanted to hide my plan. So the bell rang and I forgot that I don’t have my speech with me.

            I ask the teacher if I could print it out from her computer, she said sure. I printed it out and X asks to see it. I tell him he’ll hear it eventually. I put it into my pocket and the bell rings, everyone leaves except for me, X and X2. They talk and walk around the class around the tables and stuff, while I go off to one of the black chemistry tables and put my paper on it. I started doing a beat on it, that’s when I became confident about it, because my beat which was made up on that spot, made sense. I promised myself over the weekend that I was going to practice a beat on it and practice the speech at least once, which is why I emailed it to myself, but I never did.

            So now that I was confident, X and I walk around the hallways for a while before going off to the theater. When we get to the theater, the freaking door is locked. So the kids are standing outside and I say, yo, follow me guys. Then X and X2 are following me and we go inside using the back door into the theater. There were a few other candidates in there, and they were all popular as hell. Damn, no way was I going to win. So I go up to the pedestal with X and X2 behind me. I walk up to it and I find the mic on the pedestal. Oh sh**, what a brilliant idea. I tapped on the pedestal ONCE, just to see if it would echo on the mic, IT DID! IT FREAKING DID IT! That one tap went around the entire theater. I smiled and walked to the edge of the theater and the seatings. I sat down on that part while the guys stood up on the low side. I now knew what I was going to do, and I was so confident. So they kept talking and I kept acting like I was embarrassed, hell no was I, but I had to act that way so the guys behind me would think that I was not their competition.

I was nowhere near as popular as them, and when I did go there, they all looked at me like I was an alien from outer space or something. My friends X and X2 left me alone and I shook their hands and high fived before they walked away. I walked to my seat and I was jumpy. I felt like I had to get up. So by this time, half the theater was filled and I decided to stand up. I didn’t want to be seen because I was too freaking hyper, my heart was pounding hard because I was so anxious to go up. I wanted to go up NOW!!

            So I stood up and I walked around the stage, I found an exit door, curious, I decided to open it. It lead outside, I never knew that before. So that’s where that door goes. I mean, it is obvious it goes outside, but from the outside, there’s just this random door on the side of the building that I never knew where it went to. So it goes outside, and I think a lot of people looked because a lot of light went inside. I closed it and sat back down. Then I looked at my competition, they all disregarded me, none even talked to me, just gave me a hostile stare.

So I stood up again, and looked at this other door, I went inside and I found out it lead to the back of the stage. I had no permission to open these doors, let alone go inside them, and yet I did. This was all done in stage too, so the other kids and the authority would have seen me, yet no one interjected. I went inside the door and I was in the back of the theater. There were some ladders, some lights, some rope and a bunch of other things. It was a good exploration, I kept going around doors and I ended up in the drama hallway. After that, I wanted to go to the bathroom, so I had to calm myself down and I went back in. This time though, I was in there for a while, the entire theater was full and all the candidates were up on the stage.

There was only one seat left and it was at the edge. Boy I hated sitting at the edge. So I sat down the first seat, and I felt like I didn’t fit in. It was because I sat in the edge. No one talked to me still, until this guy came around and was going to arrange the seats in order of last names. So first up was Person’s Name, because his last name was C. Then there were like 6 other guys before me before I sat down. I was freaking impatient. That’s when I remembered the blank piece of paper part from my speech. I quickly opened up my backpack, took out a notebook for my Chemistry class and I ripped out a page. I hoped that other people saw me do that, because it is part of my speech. So now I had two pieces of paper, one was blank and the other one was with the speech on it that I originally wrote. So Person’s Name was to my right and X was on my left. Person’s Name’s arm was touching my arm as soon as I sat down. It’s because I was a little closer to her than I was to X. It was good to feel that warmth, it gave me comfort in my hyper moment. I said hey to X and he was like, hi. That’s the only chat we had ever had.

So then the speeches started, Person’s Name was first, and I don’t remember what he said, but when he ended, he said “Remember, MAKE YOUR MARK!” then he pointed to the crowd and they yelled out “PERSON’S NAME!!!!” Holy crap, there was no way I could compete against those cheers. Those cheers practically broke my eardrums. No doubt this guy was going to win. So then the other guys go on up, one by one they go up. There were 16 of us in total, the most competitive class in SGA elections, and this was my first time running. Eventually, Person’s Name goes up on the pedestal and leaves this empty space to my right. I felt less comfortable then. He makes his short little speech. It lasted a good 30 seconds, then he sat back down, the cheerings still going on. Everyone has been cheered on so far when they walked up and when they came back down.

            Now here comes my turn, the announcer announces “And here is MEGG GAWAT!” I stand up, and slowly make my way to the pedestal, trying to hold in a smile. I was happy as I was walking up, everyone else wore tuxedos and nice dresses, while I wore this tie-dye shirt and some light pants. I had to do that for attention. I had to do that to make myself stand out from the rest of the guys. I had to wear something colorful, haha.

            So then here I come, halfway around the stage when the entire place cheers me on. “GO MEGG!!” “YEAH!!!” Most of them are laughing their heads off. I was laughing my head off too, I joined them in. It was because, like I said, no one expected me to win considering I was the least popular guy up on that stage. The cheers were REALLY loud! No joke at how loud they were, they broke my eardrums too! I was laughing up on that pedestal because they were giving me such an awesome pity cheer! I literally planned out walking up on that thing with silence, because no one knew who I was!

            It was awesome up there! I felt happy and then I let the cheers die down before I started my speech. I said my introduction, then I went to the part where I say that “You know, I would come up on this stage with a planned out speech, you know, to show that I was responsible…” Then that’s when I looked at the crowd and I saw some of them laughing already! I continued “but I did not. I came up here with a blank piece of paper!” Then that’s when this enormous laughter and cheers came from the crowd! I didn’t expect it to be like this! I was confused here, yet I was really happy the crowd liked what I was doing. I kept my speech up and after about 2 more lines and I said “okay, well…” Then I placed my mic back on its holder and that’s when even more cheers and clapping came!

            They thought I was done with my speech, thinking I hadn’t planned anything and that short speech was all I had! I got a louder cheer than Person’s Name’s exiting cheer! HAHAHAHA, man, to see the faces on the crowd was priceless. They were cheering in awe and clapping, cheering so much! That’s when the announcer started walking up to the pedestal, as if I was going to sit down. I started lowering the mic, so it would be in the same height as the pedestal. I hadn’t planned on putting it on the pedestal just yet. So I lowered the mic and here he comes walking. I make the announcement on the mic “I’m not done yet.” So he goes and sits down. The crowd is still happy and laughing at this point, while I kept on playing with the thing, trying to get it in exactly the right position. He stands up again and starts walking towards me, I say “Dude, I’m not done!” I’m making these hand movements signaling him to go away. That’s when the crowd just purely started laughing out loud! No cheers or clapping, they were just laughing their heads off!

            So then I was a little pressured to rush and I was like, okay, I can’t get this to work, so I’m going with plan B! I put the mic on the pedestal and I start doing the beat I practiced in my 2nd period class earlier. The mic, being placed on top of a hollow pedestal, echoed the beat throughout the entire theater. It was literally booming, like the hip hop music at a party. That’s when the crowd was like “OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” and “AWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!” I looked at the crowd and they all had their eyes wide open in surprise! They haven’t seen or heard of anyone doing this before!

            After doing the beat for a while and letting it shimmer into the crowd, that’s when I started my rap. I start saying the words and I lose the beat a little because of it. After about midway through the rap, the crowd started clapping with the beat! It was really exciting! I kept that rap up and beat up for a while, then I am approaching the end of my rap. I eventually say the last word and I keep the beat up going for a little bit longer past the words. I end it with one last thump and then the entire crowd went WILD!! “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” They screamed, and clapped and everything!!! I let them cheer and clap and everything for a while, then I interrupt with “Thanks guys, vote for Megg!” And the cheers became louder! I just had a ball up on the stage, I started to walk back to my seat and I just waved at them without any eye contact and proceeded to my seat. I couldn’t help but smiling through that. My good friend Person’s Name who sat on Person’s Name’s right was like “That was a good speech man!” I gave him a high five behind Person’s Name’s head.

            So the rest of everyone went, until eventually all 16 of us went up and gave out our speeches. It was a good day that day. Everyone went up and after the end of that, people still continued to cheer me. Coach X asked us to listen to her but some kids kept calling me and congratulating me! Oh yeah!

            After the end of that, I walked out into the hallway and so many people came by me and said “You’re speech was awesome!” All throughout the hallway, people kept congratulating me on a job well done. It was a great experience, there wasn’t a second that passed by when someone wasn’t congratulating me that day. It was such a good day, even the people who normally didn’t like me, started to like me that day. The people who normally didn’t talk to me started talking to me. It was unusual, but unusual in the best way possible!

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