The burn of my discoveries has killed my soul. Now I will have to pretend, smile, and fake it through the motions but at least when the roof caves in, I won’t feel anything. I used to believe that loneliness would encapsulate me into certain death—now I believe that it will reinstate the strength I had long ago lost. After all; while motioning through life in the midst of my own company I am assured one absolute thing … Nothing and nobody can or will hurt me any further. The constant feeling of loss would never completely leave me because deep down my sub-conscious knew the entire time. The red flags have been in my midst. The uncertainty as well snaked itself around me without giving me a moment to breathe. Had I taken off the blinders, I may had been able to recognize the misrepresentation. The soul-killer is that I knew better and had learned through fists and tears in my former life. Simply put, I am the world’s biggest fool.
My road was designed by my ability to hold on to that little bit of hope. Like anyone who has had real bad luck in love, I wanted to believe and I wanted it so badly that it forged away my intelligent mind and replaced it with my emotional conscious. Being a young-at-heart dreamer is suicide in the worst form. For there is no worse penalty than to walk with this knowledge in the well-laid paths of deception. Foolish peasant I remain …
I’m sat here tonight with the same lugubrious and hopeless outlook I possessed that midsummer week at the beachfront. The only difference is the environs and the culprit. Why does this keep happening to me? One could say it is my inability to accept what I recognize. One could as well say that I am accursed by my overbearing desire to be loved and to have that same level returned. The hopeless romantic entwined in my genetics has damned me to this repetitive heartache.
As I suspected; I will not become the sole and only love of anyone affections. Misrepresentation will continue at my doorstep. So, now I ask, why?
What is it about me directly in that I don’t deserve the respect and honesty that I notice so many others receive? Perhaps they view my past abuse and assume that I will be an easy target as all Indigo light-workers can be. They see our pure and true hearts and probably come to believe that we won’t collaborate their deception with their red flags and will be ignorant to the truth. Ah; but they would be wrong. The truth, my friends, has a way of revealing itself in the likeliest of moments.
This isn’t a defeat, but moreover a turning point where I need to plan my overall outcome wisely. Because I am in college courses, I have not been employed. This will now change … If I am lucky, I can take a parallel step to a medical facility who informed me in the past that I could return as long as I agreed to take specific courses to work one on one with the patients. As an artist I do confess that accepting that baton isn’t a personal satisfaction choice. As a light-worker however, this is my ideal field as well as a cushion to ensure that I only need myself.
Secretly I feel damned, used, raped, foolish and worthless. Being compared to anyone else is a soul-killer because all of these people my entire life have taught me that being me wasn’t enough. There is however a voice deep down that says “maybe they aren’t good enough for me.” Either way, the tears have since dried and now I must maintenance my dried up, algid heart while I somehow exist in these newfound truths.
Revelation 21:3-4 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”