My scattered thoughts much resemble pieces of a broken glass. No matter how hard you try, you can put that glass back together, but it will never quite be the same again. You can see the glass in its entirety once more, but not without its cracks.
Sometimes I can see the end of my day before I even begin to walk the beginning. Not like seeing the future but more. like analyzing possible paths I would take based on the current circumstances of my life. To put it simply, I can accurately predict my day, though I know i’m not the only person who does this.
Lets take tomorrow night for example.
I know that tomorrow night, when I am alone in my bed. I’m going to look at my phone, fiddling with the screen, waiting for her to text me. She might, she might not, but whether she does or doesn’t, when I finally get around to closing my eyes, i’m going to cry.
For a brief moment, in between the tears, i’m going to battle my past memories, a sad attempt at burying them, burying her smile, her touch, her laugh, her eyes, those words…
I’ll turn on my stomach and bury my face into my pillow and let a blood curdling scream to help release the pressure from my chest.
And then when i’m done, and I settle into the silence, i’ll be okay.
But this may be true for every night.
Every night until I can live through a day without feeling the pain of losing her.