It’s been 14 monthdbsince I walked out my family home with £5 in my pocket and my 4 kids. Little did I know this was the beginning of a very bumpy journey, my new found enemy had sunk its claws in and had no plans of letting go… My enemy, my self-made demon, My Anxiety!
I started having nightmares! Most nights I would be paralyzed with fear. It could take less than 3 seconds from when I closed my eyes to me being in a nasty place. In my dream, my mind I can’t move nor can I shout more than a whisper. Someone help me. She’s here, My demon has entered my dream world again. She’s holding me to the bed with her long, slim, excessively strong hands. More claws like the more I remember! I can hear someone calling my name in the distance,it’s my mum. I begin to feel myself growing stronger, my voice becoming louder the more I scream for my mum! Then as quick as she entered my dream she has vanished. I’m puffing, panting, sweating, it’s difficult to catch my breath. But I’m ok, my mums here holding me telling me everything is ok, I’ve had yet another nightmare. Sometimes 5 maybe 6 a night, I don’t know how my mum managed but she was there for every one reassuring me I was going to be ok! I can’t begin to explain how scared I was with every nightmare. I could fall asleep on the sofa for less than a few minutes, and she would be back holding me down with her claw like hand taking control of my mind, telling me I should be scared of her, to try and shout through my fear. Until one morning I knew I was going to be home alone. My new fear was where is my mum? She, my demon, will keep me in that state of mind until she comes back to save me. What am I going to do? Up until now all I’ve heard were doctor, you need help and pills! I never understood that word, that evil, overbearing and ever so powerful word… ANXIETY!! I began to read and read and read, I was so worried and scared of not having my mum to save me from my demon that it found a new way to control me… I never had a nightmare that night but I lay at my kids bedroom door paralyzed with pure fear for hours and did not close my eyes for rest once. I could not move one muscle not even half an inch. The start of the demon taking over even more of my life! I remember a while back Someone talking about taking control of your own dreams, overcoming your nightmares and overpowering your self made demon! I thought this is it, this is the only way I’m going to get the undisturbed sleep my body needed and my mother craved! Practicing this will never be complete, it took me another 5-8 weeks of demon filled nightmares, I was ready to give up (not a lot of people have the strength and the ability to master the art of controlling one’s dreams) until I did it, I actually did it! I felt the fear rise inside me as she held me down but instead of trying to shout for help, my mum, I heard my voice loud and as clear as day in my mind, my nightmare telling me to relax, she can’t hurt me and enjoy your sleep!! I’m far from religious but it was like God talking to me but through me? Very bizarre and fucking fantastic at the same time! It didn’t take long maybe 3/4 nights and they stopped. Every now and then maybe every 2/3 weeks she would make an appearance and sometimes I did scream for my mum to save me and other times I was ready for her! One year on and I still get nightmares not often will she show up in my dreams but I’m now able to stay calm and speak out loud… My son’s friend was the last person to be privileged enough to whitnesz this as I said out loud “Ben, I’m having a bad dream and can’t wake. You need to slap me , hurry Ben hit my face hard quickly ” SLAP! I was awake, sore face but I was awake! I’m proud of myself but this is the first hurdle of many and I know it’s getting a lot harder already but I have faith in myself and that alone is my will power. Slowly but surely I will overcome my demon, my anxiety by using my mind! Any advice? I’m open to all ideas!