Anxiety & I

It’s been 14 monthdbsince I walked out my family home with £5 in my pocket and my 4 kids. Little did I know this was the beginning of a very bumpy journey, my new found enemy had sunk its claws in and had no plans of letting go… My enemy, my self-made demon, My Anxiety!

I started having nightmares! Most nights I would be paralyzed with fearIt could take less than 3 seconds from when I closed my eyes to me being in a nasty place. In my dream, my mind I can’t move nor can I shout more than a whisper. Someone help me. She’s here, My demon has entered my dream world again. She’s holding me to the bed with her long, slim, excessively strong hands. More claws like the more I remember! I can hear someone calling my name in the distance,it’s my mum. I begin to feel myself growing stronger, my voice becoming louder the more I scream for my mum! Then as quick as she entered my dream she has vanished. I’m puffing, panting, sweating, it’s difficult to catch my breath. But I’m ok, my mums here holding me telling me everything is ok, I’ve had yet another nightmare. Sometimes 5 maybe 6 a night, I don’t know how my mum managed but she was there for every one reassuring me I was going to be ok! I can’t begin to explain how scared I was with every nightmare. I could fall asleep on the sofa for less than a few minutes, and she would be back holding me down with her claw like hand taking control of my mind, telling me I should be scared of her, to try and shout through my fear. Until one morning I knew I was going to be home alone. My new fear was where is my mum? She, my demon, will keep me in that state of mind until she comes back to save me. What am I going to do? Up until now all I’ve heard were doctor, you need help and pills! I never understood that word, that evil, overbearing and ever so powerful word… ANXIETY!! I began to read and read and read, I was so worried and scared of not having my mum to save me from my demon that it found a new way to control me… I never had a nightmare that night but I lay at my kids bedroom door paralyzed with pure fear for hours and did not close my eyes for rest once. I could not move one muscle not even half an inch. The start of the demon taking over even more of my life! I remember a while back Someone talking about taking control of your own dreams, overcoming your nightmares and overpowering your self made demon! I thought this is it, this is the only way I’m going to get the undisturbed sleep my body needed and my mother craved! Practicing this will never be complete, it took me another 5-8 weeks of demon filled nightmares, I was ready to give up (not a lot of people have the strength and the ability to master the art of controlling one’s dreams) until I did it, I actually did it! I felt the fear rise inside me as she held me down but instead of trying to shout for help, my mum, I heard my voice loud and as clear as day in my mind, my nightmare telling me to relax, she can’t hurt me and enjoy your sleep!! I’m far from religious but it was like God talking to me but through me? Very bizarre and fucking fantastic at the same time! It didn’t take long maybe 3/4 nights and they stopped. Every now and then maybe every 2/3 weeks she would make an appearance and sometimes I did scream for my mum to save me and other times I was ready for her! One year on and I still get nightmares not often will she show up in my dreams but I’m now able to stay calm and speak out loud… My son’s friend was the last person to be privileged enough to whitnesz this as I said out loud “Ben, I’m having a bad dream and can’t wake. You need to slap me , hurry Ben hit my face hard quickly ” SLAP! I was awake, sore face but I was awake! I’m proud of myself but this is the first hurdle of many and I know it’s getting a lot harder already but I have faith in myself and that alone is my will power. Slowly but surely I will overcome my demon, my anxiety by using my mind! Any advice? I’m open to all ideas! 

4 thoughts on “Anxiety & I”

  1. Well don’t get me wrong and please don’t get offended. I am a Muslim and this is a prayer for protection. Muslims all around the world say this prayer. You said you are open to all suggestion please do try this.

    اللَّهُ لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ هُوَ الْحَيُّ الْقَيُّومُ لاَ تَأْخُذُهُ سِنَةٌ وَلاَ نَوْمٌ لَهُ مَا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الأَرْضِ مَنْ ذَا الَّذِي يَشْفَعُ عِنْدَهُ إِلاَّ بِإِذْنِهِ يَعْلَمُ مَا بَيْنَ أَيْدِيهِمْ وَمَا خَلْفَهُمْ وَلاَ يُحِيطُونَ بِشَيْءٍ مِنْ عِلْمِهِ إِلاَّ بِمَا شَاءَ وَسِعَ كُرْسِيُّهُ السَّمَاو ;َاتِ وَالأَرْضَ وَلاَ يَئُودُهُ حِفْظُهُمَا وَهُوَ الْعَلِيُّ الْعَظِيمُ
    “Allah! There is no god but He – the Living, The Self-subsisting, Eternal. No slumber can seize Him Nor Sleep. His are all things In the heavens and on earth. Who is there can intercede In His presence except As he permitteth? He knoweth What (appeareth to His creatures As) Before or After or Behind them. Nor shall they compass Aught of his knowledge Except as He willeth. His throne doth extend Over the heavens And on earth, and He feeleth No fatigue in guarding And preserving them, For He is the Most High. The Supreme (in glory).”

  2. A verse in Psalms chapter 4:8 “I will both lie down in peace and sleep, for Thou alone, O Lord, makest me to dwell in safety.”
    Amazingly, I used to have the same experiences you describe. It is anxiety, yes, and specifically it is called “Sleep paralysis.” You might google it. I had the first one at age 14. They are TERRIFYING. I felt like something was trying to steal my soul out of my body, and I couldn’t talk or move a fraction of an inch. It was dark. In time I learned to speak in my thoughts (I couldn’t even whisper) the word Jesus. The Name of Jesus. The darkness backed off then. More and more it would back off as it realized I was going to respond this way. Sorry to readers if they think this sounds crazy, but I am so thankful to God for ridding me of that demon. I will pray for you, too.

  3. Thank you, I will do as suggested above. I am not religious at all but I thank you for your time spent reading and leaving your kind words. I will say this prayer tonight before I sleep. Again thank you

  4. Savedbygrace, 14 is such a young age, but to overcome this is a massive challenge and even bigger achievement, well done !! I’ve Google sleep paralysis but I suffer this when I’m awake also, exactly the same feeling but I could be standing in my hallway for over 2 hours at a time. Terrifying is correct! Most of my worst experiences in my life have been in the last year. I’m 30. Life is tough. Thank you for your words and prayer

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