Journal Day 40

Compared to the past 10 to 20 entries I’ve made recently, today was possibly the most boring and most normal day I’ve experienced.

I woke up at around 7 AM, most likely being woken up by the traffic driving around outside. I didn’t get out of bed yet, I just laid there thinking. The piano chord from “Clubbed to death” kept playing in my head, reminding me life was meaningless and short. Reminding me to live my life. I suddenly had this idea to send Obs an email.

I got up from my bed and opened up my computer to first check my email. There was a comment on my latest post (Journal Day 39) from Savedbygrace and she gave me possibly one of the best compliments anyone can ever give. Her exact words were: “You do write a lot, and you write WELL. As I was reading this entry I caught myself thinking I was reading a novel (I’m sleepy too). It reads like a novel, better than most. Don’t ever stop writing!”

I’ve never received a “Don’t ever stop doing X” comment before, but I’ve often gave those out. I gave that kind of compliment/advice to people that fully deserved it, to people whose work I greatly admired and really didn’t want them to stop. The fact that I received such a comment gave me a quick burst of energy and confirmation. This was still morning, I still wasn’t fully awake yet, but I was somewhat energized and feeling better about myself. Because of the energy I got from Savedbygrace, I was able to write Obs a personal email with the ideas I formed while lying down.

After sending the email, I jumped back onto the bed to go to sleep. Am I lazy or just really energy inefficient? This question will come up again. But I went back to sleep and I slept for about two hours not waking up until around 10 AM. Around 10 AM I decided to just get up and take a shower. I did my usual business in the bathroom and trimmed my beard off today too. While trimming I could hear my mom who was off work today yelling at me to get up from bed and go to work already. I knocked on the inside of the bathroom door a few times letting her I was already up, she quieted down.

When I exited the bathroom I let her know that I could go to work whenever. She was not used to the concept, neither of my parents were. I put on some clothes and went over to the kitchen to take my selfie for the day (which will be at the bottom of this entry). I left home and drove to work.

Arriving at work things were pretty normal. I felt adequate. Not energized like yesterday, not tired like my first few journal entries. Just adequate. I set up my computer at my desk and I went to the kitchen to get some water and some nuts to eat for breakfast. While getting some water there was a new person there who started last week I believe, but I never really got a chance to talk to.

I started grabbing some nuts from the container and placing them into a paper napkin I used as a plate. This new girl whose name I didn’t even know, walked by and stood really closely to me enough that we made eye contact and I was forced to introduce myself. She introduced herself next, and I don’t know how the conversation sparked, but we talked for over 30 minutes to nearly an hour in the kitchen, just standing there, eating bits of the food we grabbed, while talking.

There was so much I learned from her life though, she became very open very quickly and started talking about the kind of life she lived to end up where she was now. It was just a reminder that I should have zero complaints in life. She told me that in college she worked full time while going through school. So she would work for 8 or more hours a day, studied afterwards, and somehow still ended up getting good grades. She also lived in a campus dormitory which I knew from experience was extremely expensive. Then she says she was able to pay off all of her debts while going through school, no scholarships. Paying off school before graduating is something I thought was impossible.

To compare, she went through school taking up 16 credits a semester while working a full time job. She was able to graduate with a good 3.5 GPA and also paid off all her student loans. For me, I wasn’t able to handle just going to school, I didn’t even take on a full time or even part time job at the same time, and my GPA was terrible. I had to drop out of college because the payments were stressing me out and so was the required studying and how quickly the college pace went. I didn’t even have to pay off my student loans acquired from my first year, my mom said she would take over that and it took her 5 years to pay it off.

To compare again, she went through school taking 16 credits a semester while working a full time job, graduated with a 3.5 GPA, and paid off all her student loans. Today I’m working a full time job that I get to set my own hours and pace in. I’m studying at online schools where I get to set my own hours and pace as well. But again I’m struggling. I’m struggling to handle these two things that she was able to nonchalantly take care of being bogged down by set schedules and traffic and dorm stress. That… I don’t know how she was able to handle that. I take less than 10 credits a semester, my drive to work is smooth, and the most important thing is I set my own pace for anything I do.

I hate taking on multiple things at once. I think she had a different reaction to handling two separate but important tasks: work and school. For her she was fine divvying up her day dedicated to both. For me, I just completely hate it when I’m doing two things that aren’t related to each other. Why work at a job whose subject is about X when I’m studying about Y in school? My brain has this conflict in which it tells me to just work on one thing, not two things.

I’m so glad someone was able to open up to me so quickly though. I felt comfortable talking to her, sadly I had to cut it off when I knew we could have kept talking forever. I told her “haha, well I should get back to work now. I’ll slack you.” Slacking you means: “I’ll message you on this chat platform called Slack” which our company uses. It’s like saying “I’ll skype you” or “I’ll IM you.” I never did Slack her though.

Other than that, the work day was entirely the same old normal thing. I got lost in what I was doing so often though. I used to be so laser focused and any action I did I’d have put all my thought and thinking into it. I did that for most of the 2 years I’ve been working here. Today though I would do something normal, like open up a page, then forgot why I did that, “Why is this page open?” I think I just didn’t care or pay attention.

Nothing else happened today. Most boring day. Ever. Well, it didn’t have to be. My friend and I were supposed to work out, I called it off. I was invited to a LAN party, I said no. Those LAN parties are pretty fun too, they last the entire night, there’s lots of beer and pizza and other foods. But I didn’t feel like it.

megg-gawat-day-40-selfie-smaller
Selfie for the day

2 thoughts on “Journal Day 40”

  1. First, I agree with SavedbyGrace, you do write very well. You have effectively described a basic day in such a way that I couldn’t stop reading until I got to the end to be greeted by your selfie.

    I am currently in college, and I have roughly a 3.5 GPA – it is medical school so as you can imagine, nothing I am learning is really easy. Like you, there is no way I could maintain a job while going through my courses, let alone pay my student loans off before graduating. I have some payments in, but I know it will be years before I am college loan debt free.

    From your explanation of feeling good about somebody opening up to you, am I to assume that interaction with others so quickly is not that common for you? If so, I can truly relate to that. I am introverted, and what usually happens to me is that people will vent to me and go on about themselves because I am a very good listener, but nobody ever really asks me how I am doing. I want to say things to them about it such as “stop using me” but I don’t know how to be mean to others. I am also shy and will become passive. (PS: irrelevant to that statement but thank you for sort of ‘shoving’ me to understand this place is completely anonymous, I have since withdrew from holding back)

  2. Thanks Butterfly :)! Yeah, medical school must be insanely difficult, but it looks like you’re doing very well in it so far! Keep it up!

    Well, I’m used to conversations opening up quickly, but not in that kitchen environment. Usually you just go in there to grab a drink or a snack, and the longest chat you’ll have with someone is a few minutes, we went on for nearly an hour just standing there. Whenever someone keeps talking about themselves I also rationalize that “I’m a good listener” but in reality it’s probably because I don’t talk or add as much XD

    No problem about pushing you to open up more. I’m sure you already knew or would have found out eventually, you just needed that confirmation from someone.

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