I needed a way to get things off my chest, to come to terms with what Iv been though without keeping it to myself.
so I’m telling my story here.
My full life seems very up and down, I struggled though school having dyslexia, when I was 16 I found out I couldn’t have children.
But then when I was 17 in 2011 I got in my first “proper” relationship, all seemed fine at first. It felt great to have found someone who accepted me for who I am. Well so I thought.
Slowly things started to not go so smoothly, a lot of family arguments over my new boyfriend, my sisters boyfriend who lived with me my sister and our parents didn’t get on with my boyfriend, my boyfriend didn’t like my friend because he was a male and slowly I lost most of my friends and started to argue with my family a lot.
My boyfriend had a hard time at home, his mum was an alcoholic, so to avoid stuff at home he moved in too. And then of course things in the house got worse, I eventually didn’t have much of a relationship with my parents, my sister or her boyfriend.
little did I know my boyfriend had me right where he wanted me.
He started to convince me my family was against me, he told me about conversations he heard them having about me and slowly I began to hate my family. And even drove my sister and her boyfriend out of the house.
The arguments in the house got to everyone, me and my boyfriend stared to argue too, it was then when I saw a different side to him.
We was arguing and he didn’t want my parents to hear, so he pushed me on the bed and pinned me down, he held his hand over my mouth and started to grab me really hard. I thought nothing of it at the time but then things got worse, he started to get more violent, throwing stuff at me, biting me, hitting me, threatening me and even holding a pillow over my face.
But he had already turned me against my family and friends and he would always tell me how he didn’t mean to do these things, it’s just the stress of the house and my family he would tell me.
So he convinced me things would be better if we moved out, our relationship and we would get away from my family.
After 3 years of us living with my parents at the beginning of 2015, I got a full time job and we moved out, to a house of his choosing that wasn’t in walking distance of my family of course.
Things at first did seem better, I got friends again because I had a job, we had space and something to focus on.
But that didn’t last long, eventually his old side came back, worse, he was jealous of me having friends and going out, he didn’t like that I wasn’t only focused on him, and he dint like that I now have the opportunity to talk to people about our relationship.
So far to anyone else looking in he seems like the perfect boyfriend, and people told me how lucky I was to have such a wonderful boyfriend. But it’s not what he was like behind closed doors, he would knock my confidence down, if I bought new things he would tell me how ugly and fat I was but then also accuse me of cheating on him, he would tell me to go out with my work friends but then constantly text me once I’m out to check up on me, he also used my where’s my iPhone app to track where I was then question me when I got home to check I wasn’t lying to him.
After a few months of living in our new house things started to get on top of me, my sister was pregnant and that affected me massively to see how my parents was so pleased and excited and I knew that would never be me, my boyfriend also used that to his advantage by telling me no one else understands what it’s like for me other then him, and told me how no other guy would be so understanding then he is about it.
I got diagnosed with depression and it also started to affect my work too, I struggled to find the motivation to even get up for work, I’d go to work, but then dread going home, I knew as soon as I got home and he was home I’d be to blame for any jobs that hadn’t been done in the house, I was responsible for everything while he sat on his game or watched tv, I’d be to blame if he was hungry and I hadn’t done tea, then I’d have to do the pots, I couldn’t sit and cuddle and talk like any normal couple I’d have to sit in silence or go to the bedroom to be able to do my own thing, and after I did everything I thought he expected of me he would still find something to cause an argument over so he could further put me down.
I made what I thought was a close friend at work, then when I invited her to the house once and my boyfriend met her he started to class her as a friend too, i started to feel uncomfortable when they was around each other. Then I found out they had been texting each other, he reckoned they had been talking about my work performance, clearly to turn me against her. This caused the relationship to get a lot worse, he became more violent, I was going to work with bumps on my head where he had head butted me, bruises that covered my arms. They had both somehow managed to convince me it was nothing more then talking as friends and I continued to talk to her for about a week until I found her phone in his car and that was the final straw for been friends with her. But he managed to sweet talk me somehow.
We had planned a BBQ with our friends and his brothers and I obviously uninvited her. Me and my boyfriend started arguing and he went off in his car, I found out he was at her house so I changed the locks on the house and gave his clothes and some stuff to his brother and believed that was the end.
By now all my friends at work knew what had been going on. The next day he returned to find out the locks had been changed, he got very angry and attempted to break the door down, he tried everything possible to get in the house getting more and more angry, he found an open window and got half of at though but I pushed him back then he flipped and punched though both layers of the double glazed window. I had an old friend coming over to see me who knew what had been going on when he turned up my boyfriend was outside covered in blood, so he went outside to help him and calm him down, he managed to calm him down and he drove off for a while, once my friend had gone I got a load of messages from my boyfriend telling me he was sorry and everything then saying he was going to commit suicide, so of course he made me feel guilty and we “worked things out”.
My work performance got worse due to the friction between me and this girl, I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as her I was having breakdowns at work I was having hospital appointments because I was getting a lot of migraines I was a total mess.
Things continued to get worse with my boyfriend he often told me if I was ever to leave him he would come after me and burn my house down and kill my next partner he just said anything he could to try and scare me.
He I started to be too wise to what he was doing and he didn’t like it, he tried to make me think I was going crazy because of my antidepressants and hid my tablets from me, during this argument he put a knife to my throat and told me how much he’d love to slit it. After a work meeting one day I’d planned to go into town shopping and get dinner with two of my work friends my boyfriend was constantly texting and ringing me to come home, he was getting really angry and feeling out of control, and even had my dad who was at my house texting
Me asking me to come home, when I got home, he told me dad if I ever go missing he knows where to come looking then he put his arm around me and grabbed my arm, I knew he was really angry, when my dad left I ran upstairs to get away from him, he came after me and started shouting in my face, then he pulled both ends of the scarf I was wearing and strangled me with it, I believed he was going to kill me and I started to feel myself passing out, but then he finally let go.
After that he played the guilt card by crying and saying he doesn’t know why he did it. I said no more about it but knew I had to do something, I went to the bathroom and rang my friend who I’d just left and told her what happened and she told me she was ringing the police, I begged her not to but she didn’t. The police never came.
Thinks started to get better again for a few days, but he started picking me up from work to make sure I wasn’t staying behind to talk to anyone.
I’d spoken to the managers at work about what was going on, but In the end they sacked me and their advice to me when I told them I beloved he was going to kill me a as was leave him or get on with it we all go though rough patches but you have to leave it out of work. I was so scared of going home.
To my surprise he took it well, obviously glad I couldn’t talk to about stuff at work anymore. But been out of work and away from my friends gave him more of the upper hand. The abuse got worse my depression got worse and he expected me and more from me.
After a while he felt how distant I was with him so he came up with the idea of getting a dog, which he used against me when reminding me of the consequences of leaving him.
Been out of work gave me the chance to think things over, i got back in contact with my friend (gay friend) who came to see me when i chucked my boyfriend out. I slowly opened up to him about stuff that was happening and he started to helped me decide what to do.
My boyfriend didn’t like that I was close with him again and believed he and my other friends was filling my head with rubbish he threaten to “chin” anyone who came to our house and started to constantly check my phone and question me at any point I picked my phone up, I became a prisoner, my friends backed off though fear of him hurting me if they text me and I was manipulated into not seeing my gay friend anymore, I don’t dare text him.
With my depression getting worse I was sent to counselling, but she seemed to focus more on my relationship then I thought she would. After a few sections she advised me to go to a women’s centre as she believed I was experiencing domestic abuse, and I hadn’t even told her much at all.
I decided to do any contacting to people though a new email address and also got back in contact with my gay friend and one of my work friends tough twitter and told them to email me. When I got an appointment from the women’s centre I told my boyfriend I was at counselling and turned my internet off so he couldn’t track me.
The outcome of that appointment was very unexpected, not only was I told I was experiencing domestic abuse I was told I was high risk and that she wanted to send my case to a place called MARAK and I was given another appointment with a support worker.
I met up with my gay friend while my boyfriend was at work and we spoke about what was said at my appointment.
My boyfriend had decided to play silly buggers again and I caught him the texting another girl while his brother was at ours for tea. I thought after everything that I’d been told lately I could use this as a way out and leave him, I confronted him on it and he started arguing with me, he started grabbing me and pushed me on the bed, on anger I shouted Iv had enough I’m leaving you anyway, he pinned me down and dug his fist into my face and said your not leaving me are you, he wouldn’t get go of me until I told he I wouldn’t leave him, but he still wouldn’t leave me alone, he picked up a baseball Batt and started hitting me on the legs with it, I shouted for his brother but he just made it look like he was messing about so his brother laughed it off and went downstairs, I tried to follow but he pulled me back and grabbed my hair further threatening me then punched me in the ribs and attempted to push me down the stairs.
I then got a message from one of my friends and tried to hide it before he saw, he grabbed my phone and I tried to get it back, there was a struggle and he put my hand with the phone breaking my finger, his brother got my phone back for me then went home, later I told my boyfriend I think my fingers broke and I feel faint. He told me, good, I can do worse and if your going to pass out make sure you do it at the top of the stairs. The next day I ended up lying to my mum about what I did to my finger so she would take me to hospital.
A few days later I had my meeting with the women’s centre and they logged everything and had me take photos of any bruises or injuries.
The outcome of my case going to MARK was that I had to tell a family member about the abuse or the police would, because they believed he would eventually kill me, or I had to leave.
I didn’t want to tell my parents so me and my gay friend along with the women’s centre came up a with a safe plan for me to leave.
October 2015 I got some clothes and important stuff and took them to my friends when my boyfriend was a work. And I planned to leave on my nieces christening as my boyfriend wouldn’t go to that. On the day I left early in the morning and planned to get ready at my parents so I had an excuse to have the rest of my belongings with me, and I told everyone I was arguing with my boyfriend because he wouldn’t come today.
That was it I never went back.
My boyfriend went out looking for me sent me messages to try get me back tried anything and everything, visited my family. But no one knew where we was, no on knew where my friend lived so he couldn’t find out, the next day the women’s centre sorted out getting me a restraining order and I had police come and take a statement from me and I pressed charges.
It went to court on year later and all he got charged with is for my finger, he couldn’t get charged with anything else because of lack of evidence, and the police not turning up to the call when he strangled me. He got community service and an indefinite restraining order.
I had to tell my parents everything eventually but I did I slowly in bits, after a week when everything had settled I moved back in with my parents, and also emptied the house while my ex was getting questioned by the police, (I had bought everything with my savings).
I’m now suffering with, depression, anxiety and PTSD, yet he’s now engaged to his new victim. I’m still waiting to get the help I need, I’m out of the relationship but it doesn’t stop there, he still haunts me everyday and in my dreams too. I’m on edge waiting for him to follow thorough with the promises he made for if I was to ever leave him.