Having been out of the hospital for nearly twenty-four hours and having suffered from several anxiety attacks up to this point, I think it is high time to get my Generalized Anxiety Disorder under control. I cannot afford to be having anxiety attacks during labor with my son. I have not been meditating lately, or practicing my Craft. I have decided to start meditating again for fifteen minutes upon waking up and prior to going to sleep. I believe this will help relieve some of the anxious feelings I have been having. Aside from that, I am going to make a huge effort in reconstructing the way that I have been thinking, particularly with the recent thoughts I have been having about pregnancy. I intend to set time aside each day to write about some of my fears and try to alter my perspective on those fears by addressing bringing up the more optimistic side of the situations. Hopefully, this will help me get into the proper mindset that I need to be in for labor.
The reason I had several anxiety attacks last night after getting out of the hospital was because I had been diagnosed with pre-term labor. I was already unsettled from having contractions 3-5 minutes apart, so when the nurse came in and wanted to give me terbutaline to stop them and a shot of corticosteroids I went into a full-fledged anxiety attack. I was scared about how the medicine was going to make me feel. I am not entirely sure why I dislike feeling anything other than “normal,” but I have reason to believe that it has to do with feeling like I have no control over the situation. After waiting for an hour or so to make sure my contractions stopped I was sent home. About three hours later my heart rate picked up and I began feeling a pounding sensation in my chest. This sent me into another anxiety attack to the point I was trembling. I eventually managed to calm myself down and call the nurse who had given me the medication. I asked her if the sensations I was feeling were normal, to which she replied yes. She told me to take a deep breath and try to relax and get some rest. She said the sensations would dissipate in time. I was unable to sleep the whole night. I had to take great care no to overthink what was going on, otherwise I would have another attack. I focused on my breathing and gave myself pep talks for encouragement. Eventually, my body grew exhausted and I forced myself to sleep in the early morning. It took nearly twelve hours for the sensation to fade away completely.
Having endured something so frightening to me, it gives me a sense of empowerment. I feel like I did an excellent job breathing through the feelings I was having and managed to come out on top. In essence, I faced one of my biggest fears: medication. I feel a bit of residual fog from the medicine, but I feel relatively okay. I wouldn’t want to go through the experience again, though. I am glad my son did not come early and that he is safe. I hope he will stay put for another four weeks at least (that would put me at 36 weeks gestation). I am almost there. I made the sacrifice for my son and I did an amazing job. I can do this. I am safe. I will be okay.