well its been awhile since I’ve written
no particular reason why, I guess I’ve just been busy sulking.
this past weekend was boring
didn’t hang out with Hollister model or barely even talk to him, but that’s just because he was either working or just genuinely busy. I’ve started to realize he wouldn’t necessarily ignore me purposely, but that feeling will never go away.
Because thinking back on everything, I know how stupid I’ve been about him.
I know now that he would always talk to me relentlessly in class and find me and get me to try to talk to him and walk with him to class because I’m sad and pathetic and he wanted to be my friend to feel like he’d helped someone, done his charity deed for the day.
and I hate that I’m that person, you know? because I never used to be.
people used to not even believe me when I would say I was depressed, because I truly never acted like it.
I used to have so many people there for me. and to prove it, I still have all the pictures on my wall. I still have all the drawings, all the birthday cards and all the signatures on my bookshelf, the writings on my whiteboard to remember those days by.
but those days a re long gone. either those friends have turned into depressed shells of themselves as well, turned to drugs or simply just faded away.
whatever the reason may be, I am left with no one.
no one who really cares, anyways.
I have Hollister model as a friend, only when he wants to feel charitable.
but he’s such a cool person and im such a loner, I don’t even care
I don’t understand how someone involved in so many things can have so much fucking time to be depressed.
I’m in band, im in dance, I’m in debate, I have a job, I have art club, I have school. and to top it all off, im working on solos for both band and dance, two for dance and one for band.
how the hell do I have the time to be this depressed and lonely?
how can I feel so empty?