long time no see

well its been awhile since I’ve written

no particular reason why, I guess I’ve just been busy sulking.

this past weekend was boring

didn’t hang out with Hollister model or barely even talk to him, but that’s just because he was either working or just genuinely busy. I’ve started to realize he wouldn’t necessarily ignore me purposely, but that feeling will never go away.

Because thinking back on everything, I know how stupid I’ve been about him.

I know now that he would always talk to me relentlessly in class and find me and get me to try to talk to him and walk with him to class because I’m sad and pathetic and he wanted to be my friend to feel like he’d helped someone, done his charity deed for the day.

and I hate that I’m that person, you know? because I never used to be.

people used to not even believe me when I would say I was depressed, because I truly never acted like it.

I used to have so many people there for me. and to prove it, I still have all the pictures on my wall. I still have all the drawings, all the birthday cards and all the signatures on my bookshelf, the writings on my whiteboard to remember those days by.

but those days a re long gone. either those friends have turned into depressed shells of themselves as well, turned to drugs or simply just faded away.

whatever the reason may be, I am left with no one.

no one who really cares, anyways.

I have Hollister model as a friend, only when he wants to feel charitable.

but he’s such a cool person and im such a loner, I don’t even care

I don’t understand how someone involved in so many things can have so much fucking time to be depressed.

I’m in band, im in dance, I’m in debate, I have a job, I have art club, I have school. and to top it all off, im working on solos for both band and dance, two for dance and one for band.

how the hell do I have the time to be this depressed and lonely?

how can I feel so empty?

how?

One thought on “long time no see”

  1. It’s weird, isn’t it, how you can be so busy and yet still feel like life is so pointless? It’s the worst feeling. But I think everyone goes through it, to some extent, so you’re not alone there. I also don’t think you should be so hard on yourself by thinking that HM was just hanging out with you because it would be a “charity deed”. I know it’s hard because I struggle with it too, but you don’t have to feel like everyone who is kind to you is only doing so out of pity or anything like that. You’re a genuinely interesting person on your own and I know HM talks/does stuff with you because he likes you as a person and not a charity case or anything.
    And people do care. It’s hard to believe that–fuck, I can hardly make myself believe it when I’m down–but somewhere out there, maybe very close by, is someone who would care if they could. That’s something to keep in mind even when you’re lonely.

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