I was listening to the friend zone and they were talking about how to be the best you and listening to ur own voice. Your voice or ur spritual compass, even of u dont believe in god we all have something that we cant see that is guiding us in life. Sometimes u listen to it and sometimes u dont, u might call it ur gut or instinct.
Lately i have been distant from god and not praying like i should be, i often hide in church from everyone so i dont have to answer their questions bout how im going. Those questions always give me anxiety cuz i dont kno how to answer it, i always say “im good” “just working” “focused on school”. What the fuck else am i supposed to say. But what Maya said on the podcast that stuck with me was when she said when she started listening to god and praying her life moved forward. As well as her own hardwork, but she said that she tried with her own power to fix things but it didnt work until she finally let go. As in let God control everything.
I am a control freak and i come from the school of thought that “if u want something done yourself, do it yourself” and that still rings true for me. I hate working in groups cuz there is someone who never does anything. But im slowly finding out that there is nothing wrong with working in groups, it always turns out better when a bunch of hands do a project. And im seeing a relationship with God as a friend or personal trainer. He is there for support and love, and not judgement and hate. We only see christians bash “sinners” whenever they do something wrong. And they tell them to repent, which is why everyone hates us. When christ called us to love.
Im slowly realizing that i dont have to talk to god in poetic form or have my hands raised up way high like my mom says.I can be myself and talk to him about anything. Just do it, just pray even if it feels weird at first. He listens to me.
Im about to go into the nursing program to be certified in april and im nervous but excited. I feel like the light is at the end of the tunnel and at the end will be a rich reward. I cant even wait for it, but i kno it will be HARD WORK. No one said this life would be easy, especially not for me.