Journal Day 43 – First Titled Entry

So my entire life is under my control right? Also, titling my entries? It’s something I haven’t done, but in hindsight is something I should probably do. The problem with that is I write about a multitude of different events and ideas per day, it’s hard to come up with one all-encompassing title.

“So my entire life is under my control, right?” is a question I asked myself this morning. The entire day was ahead of me but I didn’t really have a choice of exactly what I could do. I woke up, took a shower, and then left home. The first thing I did was ship out the Macbook Pro I sold on Friday for $1450, which I spent the whole Saturday backing up, and in which I spent most Sunday packing up.

I only have three separate jackets I can choose to wear. Only one of those jackets looks good enough to be worn anywhere. Therefore, before heading to work, I stopped by a local clothing outlet to see if they had any jackets or coats I could get. I tried a few different ones, but none of them really looked or felt as good as the one I was currently wearing. I ended up leaving without buying anything.

There is so much I want in this world that I feel very unsatisfied with anything I have. Sure, I was born and spent more than a third of my life in a world country, but my standards change as my situations do. Right now I have so much freedoms and luxuries that I’m able to understand what I have, and that I can get and accomplish a whole lot more than what I’ve currently done so far.

With the sale of my Macbook Pro for $1450 recently, if I added up all the money I have and used that towards my debt, I’d be around $200-$300 short to paying it all off. Once my paycheck arrives this Friday, I’ll use that to pay off the remaining debt and for once in my life I can finally start saving up for what I want. That took forever to pay off. What’s worse is that I was conscious of every second I was in debt, so it felt like the time just dragged on and on.

At last though, I have taken one small step toward freedom. There is so much I want to accomplish, so little time, so little capability to do them all. Actually, there is more than enough time to accomplish anything I want. The problem lies in how long each will take. There’s no ‘instant’ button that’ll help me get everything I want tomorrow. Everything takes a while to get there, and that can be frustrating.

I have some minor goals I want to accomplish, and I’ll use this journal to keep track of them:

  • Pay off all debts
  • Restore vision to 20/20
  • Drop weight to 150 lbs

I’ll have all my debts paid off by this month hopefully. I say hopefully because even though Friday is certainly coming along with my paycheck, that doesn’t guarantee everything will be paid off. There might be some sort of medical emergency or accident that occurs that leaves me in even more debt than before for example. Nothing is truly guaranteed. I could even be dead before Friday, who knows?

Just the realization that Friday is a significant day will make the rest of this week move by slowly. Both a good thing and a bad thing. Even when the paycheck does arrive, I’ll only be a small amount above my debts, so I might not even choose to pay it all off at once at that point. I might choose for the next paycheck on December 23rd, again, a day that seems like it will take forever to arrive.

The rest of my day was pretty insignificant and it was repetitive. I drove off to work, I worked on things, and then went home. At home I was too tired to do anything else, so I unintentionally passed out on my bed with my contacts still on. Not really the kind of life I aspired for, but I don’t really have a choice. I have debts to pay off. I have resources to save up. Not that I should complain, I have it better than most people and I’m actually almost done with my debts, and yet there’s that longing.

So last week I mentioned that Person’s Name was leaving the company and that it was pretty hard for me to imagine Company Name without Person’s Name. Well, we had a meeting at work today. Basically because she was leaving, our team would have more resources because her salary would be added to the budget we had.

Others and I might possibly be moving up to this role called Solutions Engineer and that I might be a mentor to other people. Hmm, that’s an interesting proposal. Of course documents have to be written and plans has to be scoped out, in which I’m heavily involved in that process, but that is quite the idea. It doesn’t matter if I like it or not, I’m gonna go with it, I don’t have much of a choice.

Also because Person’s Name was leaving, I asked people in the team if we wanted to get her a present before she left. So I ended up taking money from people and I’m the one going to be ordering her a surprise gift plus a greeting card we all sign. Actually the item has already been ordered, I just need to get a greeting card from a store so we can have it ready for her by Friday.

Tomorrow my mom asked me to drop her off at work in the morning. That would require waking up at 7 AM and arriving at my workplace really early, before anyone else. It’s 11:22 PM right now and I still plan on walking outside tonight, so I would hate to have just a few hours of sleep. So I told her she can just borrow the car and I’ll be working from home.

Hmm. Should I have any complaints? My mom always goes to work around 7 AM in the morning every weekday regardless if I drop her off or not, and she leaves work at 5 PM. I go to work at any time I want, and leave before 5 PM so I can pick up my mom. I almost always make it into work before 11 AM though, but on very rare occasions, maybe just once, I have come in after 12 PM and left at 5 PM. That gave me a 5 hour day while she worked from 8 AM to 5 PM, a 10 hour workday.

Is life fair? Definitely not. My mom never complains, not even for one second, not about her work or work hours anyway. I think it’s because her aspirations revolve mostly around me doing well, and I’m doing well, so she feels okay. At the same time, I have loads of complaints. A never ending river of whiny things I’m unhappy about, because I feel like my life is so unfulfilled.

So tonight is going to be a good night for walking. I want to preserve my vision and get some exercise in as well, so I’m planning on walking a minimum of two laps tonight. I’m not coming back home until I finish two laps, no matter how many hours that takes.

Of course after one lap I’m exhausted and my feet hurt and all these other excuses, and more than likely an hour has passed by. But I still have to do another lap. Two nights ago I wanted to do three to five laps, but I ended up going home after one because, in a whiny voice: “it was too cold.

Why does the day end when I don’t want it to?


Selfie for the day

2 thoughts on “Journal Day 43 – First Titled Entry”

  1. @ RD – I am so glad Megawatt was able to help you understand your son’s need for you. And only you. More than anyone else in the world could ever attempt. Harry needs his mom! It’s going to be a good life!

  2. Hiiii mega (can I call you that or does that sound weird LOL) anyway, thanks for the comment and, pat yourself on the back for being so close to paying off your debt! Must be a weight off your shoulders, now that you’re close.
    Good luck on your minor goals and such 🙂 And have a good day~

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