I Am A Writer, Not Just A Lurker

Sooooo this is going to be short. I’m only grinding it out because megawatt managed to make me feel bizarrely guilty for *lurking* around and not actually *writing* anything, so, thanks mega for motivating (is that the right word?) to write something every once in a while.

Anyhoo. What was I going to write about, again? Oh that’s right–NOTHING. It’s so goddamn hard to get legit writing out when you’re busy. You’d think you’d be able to write more then, but nooooo, your (my) brain works funny. Ugh. Let’s go through everything I can think of right now:



(Just About Today)

Did a lab in 1st P. It was stressful (because I hate labs)(curse my non-sciencey brain)

Got assigned a geo group project in 2nd P. Stressful as heck because, let me repeat, GROUP PROJECT. Worst word combination in the world. It’s not that I have crap group members (they’re actually very decent this time) but we had a “contract” thing to turn in and we didn’t so I did it after school but my teacher was gone and I don’t know if she’ll see it because I left it in her late-work tray with a big sticky note but stilllll what if she didn’t and I failed my group oh godddd

Also my li’l freshman friend J from geography is leaving for Australia next week, and I’m sad, because he is such a smart and nice kid, and I’ll miss him next semester. Just miss him telling me about his tests and stuff. He always tells me about his grades, and stress out about them, and I always tell him not to worry, that he’s smart, that he’ll do fine, that even if he doesn’t it’s not the end of the world. I’ll miss that. I’ll miss that smile he has when he gets a really good grade (which is often–he’s a hard-working kid) and uggghhhhh I’m just MISSING EVERYONE right now but wait, I’ll write more about that in a second.

Did notes in history (3rd P). Nothing stressful or out-of-the-ordinary.

Learned what our next formal essay will be like and its due dates and such in 5th P (4th P is a self-study success thing), English. Not too much stress.

Did the first part of a multi-step accounting triple-major-grade in 6th. Stressful. As. Fuck. I turned it in, of course–the due date is tomorrow–but still stressful, because if you make a mistake somewhere when you’re journalizing, you’ll have to go back and redo it, which takes up a LOT of time, and ain’t no one got time for that.

Learned a bit about Python on codeacademy.com in CP for 7th P. It was fun–prettier and easier to understand than Java, which looks neat, but not beautiful. Still have a tic-tac-toe applet to complete and run tomorrow….don’t know exactly how, but I’ll figure it out. I (somehow)(miraculously) always manage to figure CP stuff out.

Precal for 8th P. It was nice–just using exponential and logarithmic equations to set up problems for things like interest, growth rates, half-lives, etc. Not hard. There’ll be a quiz tomorrow.



(About The Near Future)

As a junior I can exempt three finals each semester. I won’t exempt all three this semester, though; I’m fine with taking exams. I’ll only exempt physics, because I’m getting a B+ average in that class, and if I bomb the final, it’ll drag that average down to the pits of hell. Which is full of low B’s and C’s. Everything else is pretty much fine, though; shouldn’t be too bad.

We already have the geography exam review, not too bad (I don’t even try my very best in that class and still get an A); history will just be multiple-choice, our teacher’ll give us the review sheet soon; English will be two parts: one full AP multiple-choice, and then an essay. I’m very good at the multiple-choice, and fairly good at essays, so it shouldn’t be too bad.

Accounting is probably all of the units mixed, so I’m a little scared of that one. I can still exempt it if I choose to, so not too much pressure just yet. I have no idea what the CP final will be like, so I’ll have to ask. And then precal is fine–I’m good at math.

I also have a spaghetti bridge project to build for physics that’s due on Tuesday, but since I’m a dumbfuck, I’ve been procrastinating way too long. Oh well. My friend said it should only take a few hours if I sit down and do nothing but build it for as long as it takes, so……hopefully that’s true and I can actually have something passable to turn in on the 13th.



(About My Current Emotional State)

I’m sad. I’m sad all the time. I miss everyone, my old friends, my classmates. I just want to see them and sit next to them and watch them and complain with them and laugh with them and hear them talk about stupid things.

I don’t have any real friends here. Maybe just the one? And we only talk in class and in the hallways that we go down together. It’s so hard to make friends. I envy the people who talk and laugh and have fun with each other, and I wish I could be pretty or interesting or funny or smart or worthy enough to be their friend.

I wonder what, if anything, my old friends saw in me that made me worth hanging around. Chris, for example, was this super interesting and funny and nice person, and yet he took the time to talk to me even when he didn’t have to, which I still don’t understand. I miss him, so much. It’s been two years and I still miss him, and I wish I could contact him (I actually found out his Instagram account–it’s private) but wouldn’t it be super creepy and stalker-like if I suddenly tried to add him as a friend after two years of no contact, like, Hey friend, I searched up your name on social media and found your PRIVATE Instagram account after two years and want to talk to you again???

Would that be creepy, or no? I really want to, fuck the possibility of sounding weird. But then again, he probably doesn’t want to talk to me. It’s not like I’m the best person to talk to. Or even a good person to talk to at all.

I think the problem here is that I probably always miss people more than they miss me. That sounds rather self-centered. I know. Ugh. But I can’t help but feel like…..I’m the only one who’s still holding on to old memories, while everyone else has let go already.

I didn’t get to say real goodbyes to most of the people I miss. I miss them more during the holidays, and when it’s cold, and when I’m lonely at school listening to everyone talk and act so loved, and I want to curl into myself so I won’t feel so empty all the time.

I’m just sad. Sad all the time.

(Although tbh I don’t have the time to wallow in this constant sadness because I have grades to keep up, so I just ignore it most of the time. I’m good at that–ignoring my emotions until I can’t anymore and they fizz out like coke out of a shaken soda bottle, and I have an anxiety/suicidal-thoughts attack and write some stupid shit before calming down and feeling dumb as hell.)



(About Random Crap)

I am listening to video game music playlists. God the nostalgia. It’s hitting my childhood right in the feels. Wait. That sounds weird. Eh. Whatever.

I haven’t even played 97% of the games from which the music is taken, but, I don’t know, apparently Japanese video games do a hella good job making their music as criminally nostalgic as possible. They make me sad, even while the Pokemon town music makes me happy. Talk about conflicting feelings. I have too many of them. Ugh feelings.



I said at the top that this would be short, but, apparently, once you get started writing, you can’t fucking stop. Jesus. This was long. I’ve wasted too much time on this. But whatever, I don’t have anything to review for just yet, soooo……


Have a good day, and stay chill.

One thought on “I Am A Writer, Not Just A Lurker”

  1. “Sooooo this is going to be short”
    – Writes like 10,000 words

    “I’m just sad. Sad all the time.”
    Really? 🙁

    “Pokemon town music makes me happy”
    Well there you go 🙂

    Anyway thanks for creating a post after a long time! I thought you were gone 😛

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