I am going to start with why I decided to come here and spill my life to strangers. Therapy today was rough. Learning to love myself has become the most challenging obstacle in my life.
Little back story, I was diagnosed bipolar about 2 months ago, instead of being prescribed medication my therapist and I agreed to see each other consistantly (once a week) to see if maybe we could find out the root of everthing going on. Turns out theres a lot going on, haha. What we do in therapy is called ERDM, reprocessing of the brain surrounding traumatic events in a persons life. I processed my ex for example. Just couldnt get over him, we had an intense relationship and I continually thought about him even 4 years later. We reprocessed and I have never felt better about him and I’s situation. Im never anxious, sad, worried, bitter, nothing negative towards him at all, and its not like I forgot I just have no negativity surrounding him anymore. It is completely amazing how it works.
Back on track here, I have came to the sad conclusion that I do not think highly of myself. I have never had the ability to live out my experiences and speak to them. I hide my emotions and what I think because of how people will react to me. I feel like I am not lovable, I am not someone that people want to be around. We discussed today that I seek that connection, someone who will love me and fill that void and I have literally done that my whole life. Relationship to relationship and everything is so wonderful for about 3-6 months and then boom, im right back to where I was. Not loving myself. I let someone else fill that void I have when in reality I need to fill that void myself and then SHARE myself with someone else. I so very badly want that connection with someone. Someone that will love me for me and in my mind I know that person is there. I know there is a person out there that will love me unconditionally I just hope Im ready for them.
ugh, off track again. today my therapist wanted to do some processing around the idea of me not feeling lovable or good enough. He looked at me and said “sara, youre good enough.” He asked for my immediate response, “I wish I was” Then he said it again, “sara, youre good enough.” this time he mocked my response, “I wish I was” then asked my immediate reaction… I was so sad. like crying a lot. I apoligized to him cause I always do when I cry and I proceeded to tell him I wish I didnt feel this badly about myself. I wish I could reflect on a day and not feel insecure about something I did that day. Its exhausting over analyzing every situation and I just cant take it anymore. Therapy helps a lot. Im so extremely thankful for it.
Till we meet again.