Six days from now, I will be on a flight to New York, my home. Although I do not want to leave my beautiful island, I think it is finally time for me to return home. I do not want to admit this. I had always thought that when I would finally leave New York, as I have been dreaming of doing all my life, I would never return. However, that simply cannot be the case. You can hate a place with all your heart and soul and still be homesick for it. I do not even know if I hate it as much as I used to. Maybe I just did not like the person I was, or the circumstances I was in. But, I have changed a great deal since then. I have no idea if anything is going to be the same as I once knew it when I go home. These past few months have been incredibly life-changing, and although I wouldn’t want them to have happened any other way, I cannot help but wonder if I have somehow lost myself along the way. Am I still the same person I was before I came to Hawaii? I do not think I am, because of the things I have done. Or, am I still the same, but more experienced and simply more grown-up? Or, have I changed into an entirely new person? Does the Sasha I once knew and greatly adored and appreciated still exist? Is she still inside me? These are the things I wonder. I think she is; I think I can never fully lose her, she may just be buried under a plethora of confusion and distraction from living an entirely new and different life in an entirely new and different place. The problem is, I need to get her back. I miss the person I used to be. And I know I can get back to being that person again, in combination with the person I am now, and find a way to balance the two into the person I really want to be. I just need to find a way to start to look for her again. And, I think going home, to the place that shaped me and made me entirely into the person I am, will be the perfect way to reconnect with myself. I miss being the independent, confident Sasha who constantly stared at herself in the mirror. I miss being constantly inspired, constantly looking forward to great moments in the distant future. I miss feeling incredibly passionate, incredibly proud of myself all the time. There is no doubt I still feel these things, it is just that I have to remind myself about them. My inner voice is much more passive rather than active. I’m not sure. I don’t know. I’ve also been really confused about what I want to be about lately. I haven’t fallen completely off the radar, but I have gone on a crazy streak and gotten incredibly wasted several times, even causing me to make out with a complete stranger. I do not feel terribly guilty about this, as it was more of an experimental thing. It made me realize as of right now, what I want to do most with my life is live it to its fullest potential, and regret nothing. However, I also want my life to be meaningful and fulfilled. I want to do great things that will make me feel good about myself and my life, while simultaneously living a life that is an amazing story worth telling. What I want the most is direction and confirmation. I need to know that where I am and what I am doing is exactly where I should be. I think it is. I think I was destined for greatness; I was destined to climb these mountains, swim with these exotic creatures, and face my fears in the greatest environment possible. I worked so hard and risked so much to come out here. And although it has not been perfect, I really cannot complain. The most trouble I had run into is my emotional instability, in which I feel extremely lonely at times. That is inevitable. Loneliness is an inescapable factor of the human condition. I may have slightly fallen off the path, but that’s okay. Nothing in life is going to go perfectly. I am incredibly lucky for the way things have gone so far, and I need to realize that things could be a lot worse. Nothing is even majorly wrong here despite the fact that I feel different, which is inevitable. I think my greatest concern is that I do not love myself as much and I feel detached from the person I used to be. Once I go home, I’m sure everything will fall into place again and I will be instantly reconnected with the person I once was. I actually cannot wait to go home. As much as I wanted to escape that place, it is important to go back to the place where you came from. When you lose yourself, going back to the where the start of it all happened can help lead you in the right direction. The arrow must be drawn backward before it can be launched forward. Sometimes, in order to move forward, you have to go back. Six days from now, I will be home, surrounded by the people I love, the things I am familiar with, and hopefully, as the person I love and know to be the best possible version of myself.
Note from the Universe:
I can imagine that from your perspective, it must seem like some truly awful things happen in time and space. So, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to weigh in.
Sasha, you live in a world of illusions. A world that springs from a much deeper and far greater reality. And while at times the illusions are indeed ugly, with your physical senses you only see the tip of the iceberg. If you could see the whole, you’d discover that the unpleasantness was only the tiniest piece of a most spectacular puzzle that was created with order, intelligence, and absolute love. You’d see that contrary to appearances, in the grandest scheme of things, nothing is ever lost, no one becomes less, and setbacks are always temporary. And you’d understand that no matter what has happened, everyone lives again, everyone laughs again, and everyone loves again, even more richly than before.
Hubba, hubba –