This week has been a little chaotic with my studies and the upcoming holiday. In my typical theme of life, I seem to be going through everything alone while living with a silent partner. As badly as I want to confide in him, I continue to hold back as he doesn’t exactly confide in me. The other night, I talked with him about the things I discussed in earlier posts; he did confide in me a little bit and it seemed like everything was going all right but then came the overbearing silence. Its painful not to have another human to speak with, I lived like that for so many years with my ex. Days turned into months and eventually too many years of 4 walls, an online diary for an outlet and children. Somehow I was geared into reverse and stuck right back into just that … four walls, an online journal for an outlet, and my youngest child. I’ve gone out of my way to prove to this man so many things. He recited to me of infidelity in his past relationship. He expressed that his ex had done it quite a lot and I went through a wringer trying to show him that I am not that personality type. He mentioned something that we have the same astrology sign. Again … it isn’t my personality type. Astrology is a foolish chart of human predictions that are hardly even accurate. Further more, anyone with common sense would never compare two individuals and assume they have a likeness due to astrology. Grow up, you know? The paranormal interests me greatly, though I approach it with a grain of salt. The mystery is something else as is the theories and the possibility but it’s not something I would gauge reality on.
From that cheating ex to the other ex where his house is a shrine to her, I walked through hell while healing from a former abusive relationship that I left to prove to this man that I am myself! I am not anyone else other than myself. Now, we’ve had really good days where I felt like I was full of optimism. But these bad days are beginning to become frequent. He has helped me out financially while I am going through medical school. It isn’t something I have asked or expected from him. I left my other job and I have insisted that I go out and find work to cover myself until I graduate, and he insists that I should keep all of my energy and focus on the schooling. When I have brought things up he has made mention to the financial help that I don’t even ask for. Really … I am getting sick of the labyrinth conundrum and jumping through hoops. What is so wrong with content happiness between two loving people where the insecurities are brushed aside and trust is involved. I’ve given this man no reason to distrust me! I am so pathetically loyal; in my former relationship with my abusive ex, I knew he was cheating wide open but I’d wish he’d leave with one of those women. Not once in all of the years that I was with this abusive man did I ever once cheat. Not even once! Not even something as simple as a kiss or a hug! What is bothering me the most with this man is that he is categorizing me with trash and I am fed up with it. I don’t ask him for money. I don’t ask him for things. I insist he even goes to visit his ex he says he misses and her son. I go out of my way to try and make him happy only to sit in a depressive silence. He won’t ever feel I am good enough to confide in and he will most likely always compare me to some stupidity that someone else did in his past. I am more than fed up, I am damn close to telling him to go back to the ex his misses so much and let me go. I’m in love with him but apparently I will never be enough and simply because I am not that other woman. I cannot say I didn’t try.
Now that I have emptied all of that weight off of my chest; while the week passed, I learned about ITC spirit box apps and decided to play around with them to see if there’s any truth to this developing technology. Again, I take the paranormal with a grain of salt and for the sake of curiosity, I will look into something for a while and give it a try to see for myself. One of the apps will display a word supposedly picked up through the similar method of electronic voice phenomena. I went into this experiment a skeptic; I was once a representative for a paranormal forum and what I commonly saw through other skeptics using play store apps was their lack of faith in the validity of the evidence coming through them. I kept in mind that someone programmed these apps using reverse voice loops. They could have easily programmed the app to spit out generic words with a 10,000+ vocabulary to make the app user a believer by sometimes throwing a word out that becomes relevant to the user. Some familiar names and words came through and much of it was impractical gibberish. In fairness to the app’s developer, he does leave a disclaimer suggesting that these apps are in early development and were made available to the public for testing purposes. ITC isn’t new technology however, it grew credibility through the Puck II ITC system that famous ghost adventurer Zak Bagans used on his show. Again, I take his and all of the other televised shows with a grain of salt. All of those ‘reality’ shows are actually scripted and generally produce ratings by making viewers believe that everything they are witnessing is real. If spirits are real, they do not show up on ‘stand by’ cues or ‘action’ cues. Sans rant; ITC has been out in the world of spirit and ghost hunting for at least 6 years. The Puck II is a device shaped like a hockey puck that supposedly picks up noise that is unheard to human ears and on a hand held device linked to the puck, the screen will become a text-in interactive go between. You type a question to the spirit and supposedly it will answer you back using a text reply. Another form of ITC technology is the SP-7 spirit box with makes an EVP (electronic voice phenomena) session real-time. You ask the spirit a question aloud while using the SP-7 spirit box and supposedly its voice will reply to you through a speaker which is blue-toothed to the device.
Long story short; I have been testing several play store offered ITC technology apps and other than the interesting loops, I haven’t been too impressed. My curiosity and desire to veer my mind away from the silence of my existence will continue me down this road to testing the apps as I want to believe that somewhere out there exists a spirit who needs to be heard.
To keep the theme of this entry weird; the other morning while driving back from my daughter’s school, I saw what appeared to be a cigar shaped object hovering in the clear morning sky. The shape was so unusual that I pulled off the road to better observe it. I could see a silver shaped object that appears like a cigar and there was no chem-trail from movement, and no wings. Stranger yet, there was no blinking lights, either. I observed it for a good minute outside of my vehicle. It omitted no sound and it hovered very steadily and then suddenly disappeared into the day. The skies were very clear; not even so much as intermittent clouds hung around. So, what was it? Sorry alien enthusiasts, my last thought ever was UFO but I do think it was a test drone of some type, one I haven’t been able to visually locate yet in numerous google searches. Here is an airport nearby my location, and there is a military one about 60 to 80 miles north from me so I rest on the belief that it is a new design of a drone that is being tested in this area. Drones make no noise and have no chem-trails – it fits the description perfectly (except for the lack of wings, and disappearing at the speed of light.) Technology advances faster than we are aware of, and if they are making crafts that don’t resemble anything we’ve ever seen before, I wouldn’t be surprised.
Sometimes it just isn’t fun being very practical minded and level headed. Imagine the fun I’d have if I believed every word spitting out of the ITC apps and assuming that what I witnessed was otherworldly. I shall cut this short because I have an engagement with someone to buy my silent partner a Christmas gift. In the very least, I hope he appreciates it and says enough words to thank me.