Lessons learned

I recently split with a guy that I had been dating for a few months. I knew the moment I saw him, he was not Mr. Right. I always felt like I was walking on egg shells with him. Not for reasons people may think though. He told me he was damaged. My overall thinking is generally positive, I couldn’t wrap my head around a person being seriously “damaged”. 

Now that we have split on mutual terms, though we do not talk anymore I now feel comfortable googling a certain event that probably took him beyond the point of “having a past” to “damaged”. This man lost his teenage soon.  I never felt comfortable asking questions and he did not like it when a person “snooped”. I respected him and waited for him to tell me what he was comfortable with me knowing.

Having been split for a little bit now, I just googled his son’s accident. I can not imagine hearing the news in great detail that I just read. To have your son leave one evening and to never return. I have a son, he is 2 1/2. His life is just beginning and I know my world would tumble if I lost him. I will likely not have any more kids as pregnancy is dangerous for me. I never was able to put myself in his shoes the few times he met my son. I realized it must be difficult. He has other kids, but that does not replace the pain you will have for the child you lost.

I knew early on that I didn’t think I could be in a relationship with a man who has known as much loss as him. He mentioned having nightmares. Reading the article I just did, with the amount of detail that was in a public article. . .my heart sunk. He only told me it was an accident, I read in further detail. To hear that. To know that will forever been on the internet to haunt you. How do you look in a mirror when all you see is the reflection of your child. 

I know another who has lost a child, a female friend. He son was just a little older. It is hard for her, she is haunted just like he was. . .but she tries to push through it. I am not saying my ex was weak, he was far from that. He was physically strong but I cannot imagine the mental and emotional strength it takes to wake up every morning, replaying the last time you saw your child, the last words you said, the last smile they gave you, the things you wish you could say to them today, thinking of how they would have grown, what their children would have looked like. . .I pray to God that I never have to know that kind of pain.

I have been so very blessed to not know death first hand. I cannot imagine how I would react, how I would feel. My grandmother died and it wasn’t until years later that I realized there were things I wish I could say to her. I didn’t attend her funeral. We only talked speratically. I have seen a dead body before. A teenage boy died when I was in high school. We all went to his funeral. I didn’t know him personally, but I can still see his face. He was so young. My friend was driving the car that was overpiled with people when she slammed on her breaks and he flew through the windshield. She is super religious and a very happy person. What kind of demons haunt her?

I realize we all go through things we go through for different reasons. It breaks my heart. I stayed in that relationship hoping I could help him. I felt wrong needing him when I was in time of struggle. We grew together for only a short, short time then grew apart quickly and very far. We all know pain, the pain that we know though we may not be able to relate to another. I wish I could have been his ray of sunshine like I had in the beginning but I am going through a lot of my own struggles right now that as he pushed me away, I let him. 

I don’t know where life will take him. I hope he is able to remain strong for his other child as he has. I hope someday he can find the inner peace he told me he longed for. I hope that he his able to either get back with his ex wife whom he still loves deeply and she loves him or that he is able to find someone who can love him and care for him in all the ways he needs to be loved.

My heart will always remember him. He was once kind to me like no other, for that I am grateful. He has helped me realize that if I person says they are damaged, not to rule it out as truth. He taught me a lot about myself; the patience I can have for another, the strength I can have to trust and believe in someone the way I did. Some people just aren’t meant to be together and it sucks we couldn’t make a friendship work. I pray that God watches over him, even though he doesn’t believe in God and thinks religion is a joke. I pray to God that before his days ends, he is able to have inner peace and be truly happy again. Never to forget his son but to stop living in the “what if”. Events in our lives have happened for reasons we will never know, learn from it. Learn to love and live every day as if it was our last. That is my wish and my prayer for everyone.

 

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