The last day of the rest of my life…

Not really sure where to start, so I’ll just ramble. There’s something that happened a long time ago, and it never bothered me then, but it definitely does now.

I was having some problems in my relationship. We were new young parents, and we weren’t very good at treating each other very well. I worked full time, went to college, and took care of a child every day. I didn’t get much attention of any kind from my boyfriend and eventually I didn’t care anymore. When he did try, I was so frustrated that I didn’t want it. I started pushing him away and starting fights just so that I could be left alone. 

I went out with a coworker after work one night and ended up meeting a man. He was very shy and gave me the attention I had been seeking. I ended up giving him my number before heading home. At the time I wasn’t sure if I would respond, or if her would even try to contact me. The next day he asked me to go out with him. I was excited. I didn’t respond right away because I didn’t know how I would feel. Eventually I agreed and we went out. He was so sweet to me and I ended up spending almost he entire night with him. 

We went out a few more times and I did end up sleeping with him a couple of times. eventually the excitement started to wear off and I didn’t feel like I wanted to spend as much tme with him as I did before. 

I was going through some pretty rough shit and my grandpa, who I was very close to, was down to his last few days. I decided that I would try to make things better at home and start spending more time with my boyfriend. One night we were hanging out together at home and things were actually going pretty well. 

I’m don’t really remember exactly what happened, but we ended up getting into an argument. I was overwhelmed and needed some time alone. I left our house and drove around just thinking. I didn’t have anywhere to go really, but I knew that I didn’t want to go home yet. 

I ended up getting a message from the other man and decided that I would go to his house since nobody would know where I was. I told him that I was really upset and having a hard time so I would come hang out, but I wasn’t sure how I would be feeling. 

When I got there, he introduced me to his roomate. I don’t remember his name, but he was in his unit in the army. He said that he knew I wasn’t really feeling that well and asked if I wanted to watch a movie. 

We went up to his room and started the movie. I was sitting on the edge of his bed and he asked if I wanted a drink. I did. He returned with s disgusting glass of cherry vodka and sprite. I remember that it tasted like cough syrup and told him how terrible it was. 

I don’t remember much after that. I remember that I woke up a few hours later to him on top of me. I tried to push him off, but I couldn’t even lift my arms. I think I might have told him no, but it felt like one of those dreams where you try to scream, but nothing comes out. I blacked out again. Later I woke up to him tossing my phone onto the bed and asking why it kept ringing. I said I didn’t know and got up to go to the bathroom.

I could barely walk. I kept falling and ended up crawling into the bathroom and locking the door. For some reason my clothes were in there on the floor. After that I just wanted to be home. I layed on the floor and struggled to get dressed while I kept passing back out. I sat there in the corner by the tub and told myself that I would just stay there until I could walk and then I would get the fuck out of there.

I don’t know how long I was in there, but I alternated between vomiting black and passing out again for quite a while. I eventually made my way downstairsand snuck out the front door. I bolted to my car and locked the doors. I knew that I couldn’t drive yet, but I didn’t want to stay there. I drove around the block to a vacant lot where they were building a new house. I parked in front and just cried for about an hour. At that time I had no idea why I was crying or even how I felt. 

I eventually made it back home and went straight to bed. I layed there for most of the day listening to my boyfriend yell at me for leaving and trying to find out where I’d been. I wanted to tell him everything, but I couldn’t. I was embarrased that I didn’t remember what happened, and I wouldn’t tell him where I was.

I still didn’t remember what really happened, but I eventually got up the courage to tell him where I went. He took my phone and called this other man and told him to leave me alone and that I had a boyfriend. Since this guy was mad, he told him that we had sex the night before. This made my boyfriend furious. He confronted me about it. 

That was when it triggered to me that I was slipped something in that drink. I had never felt like this before and I was a party girl since high school. I didn’t deny sleeping with him, but I also didn’t tell him that I thought I had been raped. 

Eventually we worked things out and have been together 10 years now. I love him more than anything and I can’t believe he would stay with me after I did something like that. 

I spent a lot of time thinking about that night. I was never sure that I would consider it rape because we had slept together previously. I was young and very niaeve. Later I had a lot of strange dreams. Some that I couldn’t remember, but always felt so depressed after waking up from them. One was a reoccuring one. I didn’t ever remember the whole thing, but I always felt like I was trying to scream and nothing was happening or I was trying to hit someone, but I couldn’t swing. 

One day about a year ago, I was sitting alone smoking and drinking, and I had a complete vivid flashback to that night. It came out of nowhere and I couldn’t stop replaying it over and over again in my head. At that moment, I realized how wrong that was and that there was more that happened. 

Since then, I have thought about it on almost a daily basis. 6 years later and it was only bothering me now. I don’t really understand why, but I felt like getting it out in some way will help. I just had this urge to write it down while I remember everything that I can. 

I looked into reporting it, but the statute of limitations in my state is up. Because he was a seargent in the army, I looked into the codes for them as well. The statute is also up. I felt stuck. I decided that I would try to contact him again and ask about what happened. I just felt like I needed to know. I was planning on telling him he had nothing to worry about since it has been too long for me to report it. 

Somehow I remembered everything about him. I can perfectly describe every scar and tattoo. Even the way he smelled. I ended up finding his facebook profile. It showed that heis now married with 3 children and still living in the same area. I opened the chat messenger and wrote out the message 100’s of times. Each one of them I deleted instead of sending. I put the phone down and didn’t send anything. I couldn’t stop arguing with myself about whether I should destroy his family and get some sort of gratification or revenge for myself, or just leave him alone and let his children grow up believing that their father is exactly who they think he is. 

I’m just at a loss with myself. I wish I had thought this way sooner. I wish I had reported it. I wish I didn’t feel like I couldn’t talk about it, like these things don’t happen to people like me.

 

One thought on “The last day of the rest of my life…”

  1. I reread this twice and it reminds me much of myself. I forgot big bricks of time but knew that something had happened. My ex was very abusive; though at first he was a boyfriend, he turned into a monster who raped me, burned me, beat me there is so much there … he had even given me a date rape sort of drug one time and like you, I kept passing out and was extremely confused. Eventually, I began to have these severe nightmares and one night it came in clear …. and when it did, it felt like time had stopped. My counselor told me this is the effect of severe trauma and he had a diagnosed name for it though I work awful hard at being a strong survivor who will not remain in the victim mentality. What I found to be most therapeutic with overcoming the trauma was writing it out in a journal and seeing a counselor and doing trauma therapy. There is also a very good free book I discovered online by Doreen Virtue which helped me overcome a lot of my nightmares. I am still really working on myself and I know I have a long way to go but I am empowered by knowing that I now have control. By not contacting him in Facebook, believe it or not, makes you a bigger person BUT it is considered rape because like me when I was attacked, you did not give consent! He really should be reported but since it has been so long, it may be hard to prove if at all. But the most important thing is that you do recognize what it truly is, accept it, work at putting the trauma behind you and do it only in your own pace. Don’t let anyone tell you how slow or fast to go, also do it when YOU are ready. A lot of people will try to tell victims or survivors stuff like “get over it” or “you’re making it up” but they are not you and they have no idea how it felt to be you as this happened to you. If there’s anything at all I can tell you, it’s that I know most people will not understand but I also know that there’s people who will and who will respect you. You are a strong person by not contacting him alone, I know that took a lot!

    Shine on!

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