4 weeks 5 days


Yesterday a 1:30 pm doctor’s visit confirmed the biggest news I’ve gotten thus far in my 26 years. 

I’m pregnant; a first time Mom and I’m completely overwhelmed and ecstatic all in one. Based on my last recorded period I’m an estimated 4 weeks and now 5 whole days along. It’s completely soul jolting to hear the words ‘YES’ like that, despite my incessant doubt after three… yes, THREE at home tests where all showed positive. I’m struggling tonight though because after a somewhat great day, amazing news, and some down time I went and did what I always do and I ruined it. I’m not sure why I always feel compelled to go looking for information I’d rather not know but I do, I did and now I’m perturbed. 

The thing is I love the man I’m having this child with. I honestly deep down in the very arteries of my heart believe I chose the best man to raise children with. He is everything to me and I want more than anything to make this relationship a lifelong journey. I want to grow old with him. Even have more children down the line.

I can’t seem to shake what I came across though. It’s rocking me in my core because on one end I know I cannot judge anyone nor can I surmise anything about the person asleep next to me based on an action (a seriously foolish one), back in 2012 at that but honestly it bothers me… I keep thinking I know this person and stuff like this just makes me wonder if I really do or if yet again I’m setting myself up for a disaster waiting to happen. A heartbreak that might ruin me completely because I truly know I can’t manage much more… 

I have this tiny little being beginning to form in my belly, that in months will turn into either my first born Daughter or Son and I’m worried about everything. I’m worried about making the right/wrong choices, I’m worried about carrying to full term, shoot I’m even worried if I’m making the correct choice to keep it. I don’t wanna fuck this up. I don’t wanna have a child with someone who won’t be in my life long term. I don’t wanna feel like this. Why does my gut tell me I can’t trust this person? Why do I feel imminent pain heading my way? Why can’t I just mind my own business and press on for TOMORROW and stop looking back at yesterday?

I can only conclude that my obsession with the past is somehow directly correlated with everyone seeming to repeat their pasts while dating me…  I know I have trust issues. I know I don’t know how to just let it be… it’s so stressful. I’m stressing myself out. I’m pregnant and that’s horrible for my baby… I haven’t slept and he just fell asleep knowing I wasn’t okay but that is beginning to be a norm. 

I need to try and sleep because I’m supposed to be seeing the DSS office today to apply for Medicaid. Man oh man I’m scared. Today is also the day I rummage up the courage to tell my Mom too… I definitely need to pray this out.

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