Dealing with things I don’t want to deal with.

                                Childhood Flashbacks  

                        I had a dream about uncle Bert’s camp last night, or this morning actually. Woke up with tears in my eyes. In the dream I knocked on the door of U.B.’s camp and a woman answered. In my dream, and in reality, I knew/know that uncle Bert has been dead for several years. So i walk into U.B.’s camp and they had completely remodled the entire inside. It didn’t even look at all what his camp looked like. They added an addition to the back. I was pissed and heart broken and crying and I kept saying, you ruined U.B.’s camp. I walked around in shock and kept saying WTF? I went out the new back door and looked around and I was crying. The next door neighbor, who in my dream was the owner, even though in real life U.B. was the owner. And I talked to the guy and I was crying and saying, what did they do to U.B.’s camp? The guy remembered me from when I was a kid, and showed me a few things left from when the camp was U.B.’s. It was just some old chairs and writings on pieces of paper tacked up on one the back walls in U.B.’s hand writing. I cried. The owner felt bad for me and said he would evict the tenants and remodel the camp back to the way it was, and rent it to me for $40 a month.

                  Carol, or anyone else for that matter doesn’t understand. To her it is just a building and uncle Bert is dead, so get over it. To me, because of my crappy childhood, uncle Bert;s camp was the happiest memories of my childhood. I went there from the age of six months, which I just read in mom’s journal, until I was 18, every single summer, the entire summer. There was uncle Bert, aunt Alice, mom, and us three kids. The three of them would sit in directer type chairs on the screend in porch and drink, except mom, and all smoke cigarettes, get drunk and laugh. sometimes uncle Bert and aunt Alice would piss off mom because mom thought they treated her like a child. I don’t remember too much of that part. I remember sitting on the sofa, in typical 70’s flower material, in front of the fireplace, all of us, and just sitting there quietly staring into the fire and sometimes talking. When the fire got warm, the heat would make me fall asleep.

                    I remember me, Sharon, and david sitting on the side of the road playing in the dirt and waiting for big tractor tailers to pass by so we could do that arm pump thing to ask the driver to honk his horn, and when he did, we’d be all excited. I remember when Sharon stepped on a hornet’s nest and got stung by a hundreds of hornets, I remember us three kids walking the abandoned railroad track behind uncle Bert’s camp. One time we walked for miles, it felt like. And at one point I didn’t want to walk anymore and said we should go back now. Sharon and David didn’t want to come back, so they kept walking and I went back to U.B.’s camp. Mom asked where Sharon and David were, and I told her. Mom, uncle Nert and aunt Alice all flipped out and got pissed at me because I was the oldest and I let them keep walking. All three of them went searching for them. I was told to stay at camp, and I could hear them screaming Sharon and David’s names. When they all got back, I got my ass spanked for not being responsible and I was punished and couldn’t go outside for two days. I’m not sure why I remember so many things from all my summer’s at uncle Bert’s camp. 

         Since mom died almost two years ago, I finally went back to the shrink to deal with my shitty childhood and the guilt of mom’s death and the time with her I wasted because I thought her bipolar was too much and would effect mine. 20 years went by and I didn’t keep in touch with mom. The guilt from that rips my heart out. What sucks the most is that about two months before she died, she Facebooked messaged me saying, “I’m not going to live forever you know.” and I never answered back. The guilt from that alone is heart wrenching. I have avoided talking about my childhood with every shrink I have ever been to. I just couldn’t and wouldn’t deal with it. I dealt with the rape when I was 18, and I dealt with the near death car accident in 1988, but I always refused to go any where near childhood stuff.

                           With mom dying, I cried like a baby and thought of all the times over the past 20 years that mom thought of me and cried. The guilt, and sadness of her death was consuming me, still is in a way. So i decided to go back to a shrink to finally deal with my childhood stuff and mom’s death. It hasn’t been easy at all. It’s been four sessions so far and all we talk about is mom stuff and I bawl the entire session. I usually just leave unpleasant things that happen to me hidden in the back of my mind, in a vault so to speak, because I either do not want to deal with it or it is too emotional to deal with, so I hide it back there in the vault and ignore it like it never happened. I’m 53 and I pretty much screwed up the first half of my life, the past five years excluded. I wanted to live the second half of my life free, like free of everything I have held inside for years, like childhood stuff and now mom’s death. Carol and I are going on a cross country road trip until we kick the bucket, in two years in an RV. I didn’t want any emotional baggage stuck in my head while on the road. I want to be free and really experience and feel the delight of every moment. So that is why I am forcing myself to finally deal with this stuff now. It sucks. Mom memories and emotions are right on the top of my brain constantly now from talking about it in shrink. I hate it, but it has to be done.  

                                             Why couldn’t I have learned the importance of family at a younger age? I took off when I was 18 and partied, went clubbing, did drugs, (Pot isn’t a drug to me, so I mean other drugs.), and was a whore pretty much. I wasted so much of life. When you are in your 20’s you think you will live forever and shit will never happen to you and age 53 seems like a hundred years from now. I thought that too. Time really is so very short and we don’t realize it when we are young. The days add up and eventually you start noticing yourself saying things your mom would say, like, close the door, we don’t live in a barn you know. Then you start to notice that weird hairs grow in places they shouldn’t, like the middle of your stomach. You notice your boobs don’t seem as perky as they used to be, you notice the top of your hands are a bit wrinkled and you are starting to get crows feet around your eyes. Then after that, as the days and years go by, you finally notice that you aren’t cute and young anymore, even though on the inside you still feel cool. Young men don’t realize that as they age their ball sack will start to need a bra because they start hanging low. None of us realize that time is short and that all of us will get old. When you see an old white haired lady sitting on a bench, that will be you in several years. It will happen to all of us and we can’t stop it. It’s not until around age 50 that you realize that, wow, holy crap, what the hell did i really do or accomplish in the first half of my life? Now is different, there are computers and some young people get rich from computer work. I don’t want to waste what is left of my life. I want to be baggage free, be genuinely happy, actually SEE life and SEE and hear the things I never really paid attention to before. I want to learn new things that I always wanted to learn but was either too lazy or too drunk to give a shit about actually doing it. I have matured more in the last five years than I have in my entire adult life. So forcing myself to go to shrink again and getting out all the baggage I have been keeping inside, will help me reach my goal of living FREE for the last of my years.                                        

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