Perhaps the budding seeds of doubt have telepathically exposed themselves to my fiance. While asking him a general question through electronic means, not soon after did he finally open up. Perhaps it is me; I begin to shelf reaction factors into what I will call the past-theory. The past-theory interprets as this bank of knowledge learned through past encounters with others which could quite possibly make me contradictory. My earlier complaint was that I am being compared to his past occurrences; to be fair to both him and myself, we have both endured some extremely painful relationships in our past. As we grow together in this relationship, I have to remember that both of us are recovering from old wounds, and not just myself. It doesn’t hurt to admit that some of what I had shared was a stressed version of myself emptying out negative thoughts.
We hashed out some deep thoughts concerning our feelings for another of which he has said from the beginning and continues to say “I know I am lucky to have you at my side and I know it.” Maybe that too begins to cause his withdraw and silence. From the beginning of our relationship, he was very insecure about himself and said things to me like “I’ve never been with a beautiful woman before” and “I’m not exactly in shape.” As far as beautiful, I have never felt that but he insists that I am; the person that I am falls in love with who somebody is as opposed to their outer appearance. I couldn’t tell you anything about physical attraction other than I know that we live in a society where looks are everything to some people. Another one of his concerns was our age difference. To say the least, I am quite a bit younger than he is but it isn’t so unreasonable that it becomes ridiculous. We are both mature adults and without revealing my exact age, I got a Nintendo with Super Mario brothers for Christmas during my childhood. It was considered new back then. So, professionally speaking (those of you in the work force will get this) I am a Gen Xer and he is a baby boomer. Like appearance, the age difference doesn’t bother me. It would only be a problem if I was still a teenager and he was curving towards 40 – so as you can tell, insecurity has been a big issue between us.
Am I the only one who does have struggles with negative thinking? For a good part of my day, I would like to say that my thoughts aren’t negative at all. In fact, I am mostly outgoing and known as the positive motivator among peers. The problem with being the empowering voice for peers is that I don’t say those same things to myself. How is it that I can instill faith into the faithless and yet I can’t even motivate myself in those dark moments? I will remind myself that those dark thoughts aren’t exactly true though my mind would like me to believe that they are. This then goes back to past-theory; because I have spent much of my life to this point in so much duress, my past conscious would like to pick out reasons x y or z out of the past-theory as a way to convince my present conscious that those negative thoughts are true. That ugly head of doubt then raises itself from the nether and works at arresting me into an illogical thought-pattern that comes equipped with methods to suspend me there.
While I work at overcoming these problems, I then begin to feel troubled because now I am causing my fiance to wear some undeserved masks. The shrine house situation doesn’t help me, the observer bias is built from my initial reaction when first viewing the home. Because it appears as a shrine, I have since formed this belief that it is, in fact, a shrine. There have been moments where I have wanted to question him about this observation, but I become afraid to even ask damned if you, damned if you don’t which will suspend me in limbo regarding the house until I do finally ask.
After we finished our engaging conversation; we went back to my original question in which I had asked for a fellow classmate. She was inquiring about something her employer had asked of her which was what she thought her value was and why is she the best fit for the current position. To me, these questions seem absolutely normal from an employer, they do like to gauge people by their responses and that is why these questions may come up even after you’ve been in the position. My classmate said that she felt the question was insulting and purposely aimed at her as a method of singling her out. My fiance was a suit and hired people for a quarter of his professional career so I had gone to him for his opinion. This quickly turned into something else entirely. I have to give him some serious props; I have studied the human conscious and psychology for more than 6 years and I didn’t pick up on something that was too obvious once he revealed his observation. Once we troubleshot the classmate’s inquiry between us, I also recognized where I missed the problem altogether.
My initial thought when the classmate asked of my assistance was that the employer was simply getting a feel for his current employees. Nothing about her concerns had said to me that she was being singled out. As my fiance dissected her claim of insult, it became clearly obvious that she is actually placing herself at a higher value with the assumption that she is better than everyone else. What hit that home for me was past observations of her complaining about every professor ‘insulting’ her in some fashion. My error of recognizing her shortcoming stems from my indigo spirit – I have a large desire to help others and may sometimes miss the ill-intentions that are constant in the person’s character. My fiance literally stated that nobody would hire her if she upheld this image of wrongdoing during a professional interview. He went on to say to me; “Stay away from that person, its viral and deadly because that type of person will never be satisfied or happy.” All of this came out of his professional interpretation of her stating that the generic question was an insult.
I shall cut this off here and go study.