entry 1

Who would have thought I would have ended up here at midnight turning to social media as an emotional outlet. I’m supposed to be studying, well not even that probably sleeping. What do you do when in the billions of people occupying this earth you have but not one to actually talk to, I have a partner sleeping soundly in our bed, two beautiful children sleeping in their rooms. but I am awake. my days melt into each other, than my weeks melt into another. I work, I study, I have a family.

It wasn’t always this way, I met my partner a year and a half ago. My past was a colourful one, mostly red. I was another statistic. another “victim” “survivor” whatever is supposed to make us feel better. societies throwaways. I’m in a country where you will get a sentence for marijuana possession but not for hitting your partner. In a country who protects the men who abuse or slaughter the ones they are supposed to protect. despite feminism its still very much a mans world. they just like us to think its changing.

I open my eyes every morning, I lay there fighting to get up everyday, I need to for them. but I am no more than a broken plate, you can fix me, I function, but I wont be the same, I constantly wait for the other foot to drop, a 26 year old shouldn’t feel this old. I still get asked for ID at the bottle shop, I guess that a plus.

I’m alive another plus. December 16 2014 I almost wasn’t. The man that was supposed to love me, well, wasn’t so loving. All I could think about was my children.  December 17 2014 was the last day I seen him, after two years of hell, I locked every door, I hugged my babies, and I was just glad to be their with them. I never let him back. he tried, he threatened, but I grew a backbone, and I would have killed him rather than let him near me and my children again. I hear their screams for me as I go to sleep, it haunts me, its my fault. I should have left sooner, its my punishment. my consequence. my guilt to carry, my reminder to never ever let that happen again. I will always be their protector.

So here I am, its now nearly one am, I’m still awake, no one I really trust, not a true friend. I lost most of those, my best friends, all three of the past ended up sleeping with my partner. I guess I just don’t see the world as brightly as most anymore. I’m restless.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have emotions anymore, until it comes to my children. if it wasn’t for them I would question if love was even real. but for them I have an undivided obsession, and endless amount of devotion, I’m scared for them, of the world I brought them into, what society will do to them. how it will mould them, change them. if they will be able to withstand it all and come out unscathed. but I know as long as I am alive, Ill be as fierce as a mother bear with her cubs.

Though she may be little, she is fierce ….

 

3 thoughts on “entry 1”

  1. Michelley, you chose a good social network here. People care and you can say anything you need to. I know how you feel about your babies. Mine is grown and I have teenaged grandsons that I adore. They are both autistic and I worry about them. But I try to pray and trust God with them. You sound like a wonderful, devoted mother—-and strong. Not broken. I know you were broken, but I think a lot of healing has happened and more will come. I’m glad you wrote your story on here. I hope you get more comments welcoming you. Bless you.

  2. I know what you feel like. But by genuinely caring for your children and doing your best to keep them safe and happy, you are doing so much already. I have read so many sad stories here, a lot of people are not as lucky as your kids, having a good mother like you. Welcome. You will never be alone here.

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