Every time I start feeling sad, I immediately become as sarcastically cheerful (and cheerfully sarcastic) as humanly possible and suddenly have (comparatively) outrageous levels of productivity as a result of unexpected spikes of sheer spiteful energy.
This is probably some sort of bizzarro emotional defense mechanism that will ultimately cause me to have some sort of mental breakdown or in other words cause me to become completely Done with everything and actually Die but whatever, it doesn’t matter.
My dad slapped me once for this. He got angry because I was being too emotional and he didn’t know how to handle it (or at least that’s what he told my mom who then told me).
So I bury everything. I cried before bed the other day (was that really Friday night?) and it felt like I was dying. It was exhausting. It also made me feel terrifically useless, which is a feeling I hate, so I’m not planning on doing that again any time soon.
I’ve been building my spaghetti bridge all weekend. It’s crap, and I just freaking KNOW it’s going to fall apart before my teacher even hangs the tester on it, but it’s there and that’s most of the points already. It’s cool. It’s actually kind of fun, taking hours and hours on this tiny little thing (it’s just 14 inches long, 3 inches wide and 2.5 inches tall) and I kind of like doing it. It took my mind off everything, because I had to focus (partially because the type of glue I bought is CRAP and it gets everywhere and dries in annoying white threads all over the place) and I had an excuse to watch (well, listen to) Dan and Phil play Undertale (Sans I love you and your cheesy puns as well as your speech font) for several hours while I built the thing. It’s mostly done, but I still have a last bit to add to the bottom to strengthen it (much good it will do, since the rest of it has a 95% chance of collapsing into a little heap the moment I set it on the table) but WHATEVS.
My schedule for this week is LOADED. Here it is:
Monday: Precalculus test w/ calculator + geography project and quiz + continue accounting RCE simulation + hopefully finish CP tic-tac-toe applet. Also pick up exemption card.
Tuesday: Bridge and accompanying paper due + precalculus test w/o calculator, finish accounting RCE sim if not done by Monday + finish CP applet if not done by Monday, possible 2nd argumentation paper.
Wednesday: English Gatsby party + possible GSA meeting (?) + probably something else as well that I’m forgetting right now.
Thursday: Turn in 1st formal essay draft for English + review for accounting, CP and precal finals.
Friday: Accounting, CP and precal finals.
Next Monday: History and geography finals. I’m exempting the physics one.
Next Tuesday: English finals, then early release, and start of winter break.
Also, my mom is a badass bitch. Nothing else, just saying. She’s tough and she doesn’t take shit from anyone. Mom is a badass. Be more like mom.
My current heroes are Dan (senpai!!!) and Phil (*squish*), Hayley Williams (~ ~ please bless me with your new album soon), Sans from Undertale, Victor Nikiforov from YOI, and Yurio from YOI. I mean, Yuuri is a hero, too, but I identify soooo much with Yurio, because he’s a rage-filled teenager who is obsessed with his phone, and he does things out of pure, unadulterated spite. Which. Saaaame.
I wanted really badly to die on Friday (that was Friday, right?)(I have no concept of time when I’m sad) and it was peculiar, because I don’t remember crying like this in a very long time. Hmm. Interesting.
But, like I said, it doesn’t matter.
Anyhoo, time to start being productive again. Have an essay draft due Thursday, of course, and a more pressing bridge to test on Tuesday.
I’m too busy to stay sad for too long. Ain’t no one got time to be sad when they’ve got 948, 732, 349 things to do in eight days.