I don’t have a closing date yet for my house. The appraiser said I have to replace the handrail on the stairs. Ugh. I have it up in the attic. It will just be a pain in the ass to put back- not sure how it will fit around that beadboard. I am a little freaked out right now because I was supposed to take that apartment on the 17th, but I will definitely not have closed on my house by then, and now I don’t want to sign the lease on the place before I go to those job interviews in New York. What if they offer me something for now? I will lose the $800 deposit on that apartment, but that’s better than being saddled with a 6th month lease. I am antsy to move up there and I want to just go, but it would probably be better if I just stayed here and finished the school year. I want to have plastic surgery on my nose and chin before I leave here, and I could do that and take a week off from school. Yes, that’s what I should do, and then go to the job fairs in February and March. I may hear something from NYC DOE by then. I am hopeful that I will hear from them soon. It may take longer since the stupid holidays are approaching. I am not accepting any job that pays less than I make now. The DOE pays around 80 and I think I can get a job with them. With so many schools, it would be hard to imagine someone wouldn’t want to hire me. I am not going to take anything from my classroom if I get to leave before the year is over. I will come back and get it once school is out. My room would look so bare without all my stuff.
I really think that if I can get out of here and move up there, I might have a chance at getting over my marriage. I don’t think I can do it here. Everything reminds me of something. Noah and I went to dinner at Outback last night, and I thought about Brent and I going there when he was a tiny baby and him sleeping in his car seat sitting on the table while we ate.
I hate myself so much for the things I’ve done. I don’t know how to not dwell on it. I was so stupid and ruined my family. I HATE MYSELF! Ugh. I don’t know how to possibly get past it. It’s so painful to me. I don’t know how to do it. Why do I always pay for every mistake 10 fold and some people skate through life with no consequences for anything? That stupid, stupid woman Scott is married to has cheated on him TWICE and he knows and he stays with her. She did something horrible TWICE. I was just a complete asshole and never appreciated my husband or that his mother was trying to do nice things for us. Because of my fucked up childhood, I didn’t understand how to behave. I have so much bitterness and hate inside me. I am jealous and spiteful. I hate to see pretty girls with plenty of money. I hate it. I am so jealous! I am so jealous of people that have no fucking clue what I have had to endure to just stay alive.